tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post948283867832851497..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages June Workshop - PostonMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-28826360527546761952012-06-06T20:48:04.765-04:002012-06-06T20:48:04.765-04:00I very much agree with Lisa (and the other reviewe...I very much agree with Lisa (and the other reviewers). Bring the unique up early. Also, if you're not quite convinced about cutting the dream, you may want to take a look at this post by lit agent Mary Kole who just posted about this a week or so ago: http://kidlit.com/2012/05/30/and-it-was-all-a-dream/<br /><br />I also just finished Hook by Les Edgerton and starting with a dream and/or waking up is one of the biggest no-nos he lists for beginnings. Like Ms. Kole said, it's been ruined by so many people doing it and misusing it, so even if yours is good, it's probably not worth getting your query tossed out for it.<br /><br />I'll also add that it may be more powerful in regards to the mom's odd quirks to chose one incident to really flesh out and make meaningful to the protag and flesh that out here. Maybe a time that spooked the MC because she didn't know what was going on with her mother, making her mother almost a stranger to her. It seems like that's something you've got here underlying both her history with her mother and their current situation, but bringing it out in one incident might drive that home. You could even flesh out the moon incident, starting with her just gazing, but then Mal hearing her start whispering to it and being spooked. I think wrapping some of the MC's emotions around the odd hints of her mother's past might make the current situation read as more ominous and mysterious. <br /><br />Great job so far!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-92217566440792367032012-06-05T18:02:42.297-04:002012-06-05T18:02:42.297-04:00I agree with the others. You have a way with words...I agree with the others. You have a way with words. I don't think you need the dream, at least not right now. Maybe you could incorporate it later on into the story?Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-65943368602769543112012-06-05T12:03:37.791-04:002012-06-05T12:03:37.791-04:00Your writing is beautiful! I agree that you need t...Your writing is beautiful! I agree that you need to start without the dream or waking up because there are agents and editors that will stop reading right there. You wouldn't believe how often they see it. Though honestly, it was so nicely written, I personally would keep reading. :D That does make it hard though to look at this as something "different" which is what you want. Especially with so much paranormal/werewolf stuff out there. Show us what's different about yours (the writing and the character to start with) without giving us reason to even wonder if this is "another" one of those stories. Does that make sense?Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48852814802167875712012-06-05T00:01:47.897-04:002012-06-05T00:01:47.897-04:00Okay, so it's quite obvious that you can write...Okay, so it's quite obvious that you can write. There are some really great moments here that tugged me gently through the story. This one was spectacular: "That didn’t frighten Mal as much as the thought that the moon might talk back." <br /><br />The line that I absolutely love is this: "Home was just a word to Mal." And dare I suggest you make it first? Set me up that way and then tell me all the stuff about how her mom left, etc. I think that would paint some beautiful imagery. <br /><br />Overall, I would definitely keep reading. I think you did a great job setting me up for the mom being some kind of witch, or werewolf, or something to do with the moon. The dream at the beginning doesn't bother me as much as some others I've seen, mostly, I think, because of the length of it. It's short enough that I know the "real" action is going to start soon enough. (I still want the "Home" line to be first though... Maybe Mallory can be dreading going to sleep, because then she knows the dream will come? Just thinking on screen.) <br /><br />I will admit that I like story that starts somewhere, instead of mentioning a place (the train) and then delving into backstory about how the person came to be at the place. You have this here, but since it's woven together so well, I'd go with you a few more pages to see what you were going to do next. <br /><br />Hope this helps!Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-1118811938253559682012-06-04T17:50:09.101-04:002012-06-04T17:50:09.101-04:00Writing wise, you're very capable and you'...Writing wise, you're very capable and you're able to communicate the story effectively. I echo Angela's comment about considering not starting with the dream. I read a lot of blogs, and a lot of first pages, and the general consensus is beginning with a dream sequence is overdone. I personally think your story starts the second she announces going to foster care. I think once we know who this girl is and a few things, she can mention her bad dreams.<br /><br />My other point, and I realize this may be nitpicky: I used to work for a foster care agency and my mother was a foster care worker for like 20 years. Most readers are not going to pick apart state regulations, but based on my experience, no child put into foster care is put on a train by themselves. The one exception might be if she were going to live with a relative, but she would know where she was going (even if it was a seldom seen aunt). Foster families live in the community where the agency is, so she wouldn't need a train unless it was a local type train in a city, and she would definitely be escorted by a social worker or police officer. Sometimes both. Usually there are too many people hanging around when a kid is transferred rather than none. <br /><br />That may sound sticky, but I think it's essential to get the framework right. If you have an answer to this already that's not in the pages yet, it would serve your story to make it clearer. The other thing is, to be removed from a home takes a lot these days. The protag would be aware that her family was dysfunctional, she might be in denial about it, and also shocked to be taken from her mother, but I don't think she'd have to dig too deep to figure out why. Most older kids I worked with in foster care had it together more than their parents and often covered for them. It wasn't a mystery, but it was difficult for them to let go.<br /><br />You have a lot of great elements here, I hope this feedback is useful to you. I like seeing stories about foster children, and each story is unique, some terrifyingly so.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-40242184617469911452012-06-04T14:55:53.319-04:002012-06-04T14:55:53.319-04:00You've done a great job with hooks here--the m...You've done a great job with hooks here--the missing mom who seemed perfect with the cookies and stuff, but in retrospect did act oddly at times; Mallory being sent to a foster home for the first time (sometimes you see the theme of 'kid jaded by the foster system' happen too frequently, but I think you've put a good spin on this with her wondering what it's like but not truly knowing); the strange dreams. All good hooks!<br /><br />I wonder if starting off with the dream is needed. First, opening this way is something agents see a lot, and should be avoided unless it is paramount. To me, I feel like you have enough going on here without needing the dream to pull us in--just show is a girl who is scared at what is to become of her, yet also deeply upset at her mom's abandonment. <br /><br />You have a fabulous setting--a train--which again is not typical and so also works well to keep us reading. I think the dream can and should come later as your story set up without it has enough legs to make it compelling. <br /><br />One thing I would like to see a bit more is how Mallory feels about her mom leaving her. Some of the things she thinks leads me to feel like she isn't surprised by it (Mal knew that was a big, stinking lie. Mom wasn’t bound to turn up anywhere. If she didn’t want to be found, they wouldn’t find her.) but other parts--not seeing it coming, portraying mom as possibly Wicca or something, but otherwise a caring, loving Mom (all smiles and kisses, and baking cookies or cinnamon buns when Mallory was upset)--these things are at odds. What does Mallory feel, other than abandoned? Betrayed? Hurt? Angry? Worried for her mother, because this was not like her at all? This needs a bit more I think. She almost seems too accepting of her circumstances, if anything, and that strikes me as odd. <br /><br />You have some really fresh writing here, and some nice metaphorical phrasing. There are two phrases that I think could be freshened though: black as sin/ black as my heart. So, just thought I'd flag those two for you to consider.<br /><br />You have a small POV break here: <i> Mom would twine dandelions into my hair </i> from third to first. <br /><br />Great beginning and I hope something here helps! Thanks for sharing. :)Angela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.com