tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post9196126342287667779..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages October Workshop - Entry #4, Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-45433371160276921022011-10-22T00:58:46.058-04:002011-10-22T00:58:46.058-04:00Thanks for the input! As always, it is very much a...Thanks for the input! As always, it is very much appreciated. The scars/bruises make sense within the story, but perhaps there is a way to maintain the integrity of that story point without pulling readers out of the story... I'll have to think on that some more. And good catch on "everyday" - totally missed that! Hope you all enjoy this week's revisions!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8027392445981807912011-10-21T01:04:12.070-04:002011-10-21T01:04:12.070-04:00Hi Jenny,
Really nicely done! I agree with the co...Hi Jenny,<br /><br />Really nicely done! I agree with the comments by the others. Plus, I have the same small nit at the beginning I had last time: I'd like to know there's a hill at the cemetery a little bit sooner. No big deal. <br /><br />In the second section:<br /><br />His blood-encrusted shirt pulled against his skin as he peeled it away. Two ragged scars ran along his shoulder blades, bloody and hot to the touch. A bruise spread across his neck, seeping up from his chest and shoulder. He pressed against the dark purple splotch and winced.<br /><br />To avoid the repetition of so many "his" pronouns in a row, perhaps start with "The blood-encrusted shirt"<br /><br />Technically, if the wounds are blood-encrusted, they aren't scars yet.<br /><br />Also, bruises take a while to appear. Perhaps you could say it was forming? All together, that one paragraph makes if feel as if whatever happened was more distantly in the past. The small changes might increase the immediacy.<br /><br />In the last scene, I agree you could simply remove the "Emma fought to extinguish empathy coursing through her veins" sentence. It would be stronger as:<br /><br />It wasn’t like she could help everyone. She couldn’t even help Lily. Closing her hands into fists, Emma dug her nails into the soft flesh of her palms, focusing on the real, tangible pain until his emotions ebbed.<br /><br />Definitely move the last sentence from simple past to past perfect. <br /><br />Well done!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-5299694112055037772011-10-19T05:54:26.945-04:002011-10-19T05:54:26.945-04:00I love this! With each little tweak it gets strong...I love this! With each little tweak it gets stronger. I noticed two things in the 3rd section - the 2nd parag description is not in Lily's POV, like the rest of the section, and why does she have the memorial notice taped inside her locker if she "doesn't need another reminder"? <br /><br />Otherwise, I think this is great. I would definitely want to read more of this story.Katie O'Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17295418503546522882noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-6850043179819703082011-10-18T11:50:16.324-04:002011-10-18T11:50:16.324-04:00Love it. Yes, you can play with sentence structure...Love it. Yes, you can play with sentence structure, but I think the third scene now flows much better with the other two. Good job!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-7619397812314796382011-10-18T10:31:38.601-04:002011-10-18T10:31:38.601-04:00That whole first paragraph is awesome, because it ...That whole first paragraph is awesome, because it just pulls you in. So well done. In a few words you've begun to paint a clear picture of where the protag is and what is happening without tons of description. Love that. You're letting the reader's brain fill in the blanks. <br /><br />The first place it looses it's kick is "And she knew she couldn't." You don't really need the "And she knew" part, because just saying that she couldn't goes with your style of brevity.<br /><br />Gabriel's section is also great. I was losing myself until that last paragraph, which felt invasive. The reader will ask herself these questions, so you don't have to spell them out for her. You could leave in the last sentence, though.<br /><br />The final section was still tense from the beginning, but it tapered a little at the end. One thing that might heighten it's impact is to remove the line "Emma fought to extinguish the empathy coursing through her veins." It doesn't seem necessary. Also, the last paragraph just have the power of the rest. If you changed the line about the college town to "LIly's death had shocked" it would show that this is an action that has been completed in the past and makes more sense with the town "moving on." But I don't think the paragraph is as strong as the rest. Maybe it's not even needed.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69525583338286687432011-10-18T10:28:52.839-04:002011-10-18T10:28:52.839-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8763460478342747622011-10-18T00:46:10.611-04:002011-10-18T00:46:10.611-04:00Still loving it. One thing I didn't notice bef...Still loving it. One thing I didn't notice before (and it's not a big deal) is that "everyday" should be two words--You look more and more like your father every day. No big deal...just noticed it this time around.<br />In all, your writing is very smooth.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-16512912891034015672011-10-17T16:55:26.096-04:002011-10-17T16:55:26.096-04:00Same nitpick as last time, there are four sentence...Same nitpick as last time, there are four sentences that start with He in a row in Gabriel's section. It's a minor thing but it does pull me out on a subconcious level until I reread it and notice the pattern. It might be a good thing to repeat his name somewhere in that block because it's six paragraphs before you mention his name again. Since this is a reader's first time with the worth repeating his name might not hurt.<br /><br />Excellent revision with Emma's second vision. It comes across less preachy and shows why Emma is so bothered (her empathy comes across more genuine).<br /><br />Otherwise I'm dying to keep reading. Find out what the link is between Gabriel and Emma, why Emma has this visions and why Lily drowned.Steph Schmidthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00975939582442193113noreply@blogger.com