tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post8868005086958507740..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages October Workshop - Entry #3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50135277353286884712011-10-04T10:47:07.270-04:002011-10-04T10:47:07.270-04:00I agree with Jenny that more feeling would be good...I agree with Jenny that more feeling would be good. The MC has a great voice, but I agree with other comments that you need to slow it down. I actually like the bangs and the first line, but you need to slow down and make the bangs more immediate to the situation. The repetition of the WASP acronym also got confusing and I had to reread that part a few times to follow.Katie O'Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17295418503546522882noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-38677324510487063292011-10-04T00:59:24.349-04:002011-10-04T00:59:24.349-04:00I would have like to feel this more, if that makes...I would have like to feel this more, if that makes sense. How does her hand feel? Did she know she hurt it other than it not functioning right? How does she feel sitting in the ER? What are the seats like? The lighting? What kind of pen is she using? Those details could help us slow down and move with her instead of jumping around. But I think you have a good start and a great MC. I just want to be able to keep up with her!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62377669144352267982011-10-03T23:03:38.713-04:002011-10-03T23:03:38.713-04:00The voice and writing are both great, but I had a ...The voice and writing are both great, but I had a hard time knowing what the focus was. Other than that, I just agree with what Martina said. Slow it down a bit.<br /><br />I wish I had more helpful info, but I think you've already done a good job with the opening.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-19024186382149349822011-10-03T22:53:33.684-04:002011-10-03T22:53:33.684-04:00I like the voice for this story, but there seemed ...I like the voice for this story, but there seemed to be some tangents that could be tightened up so that you're directly the story more. It reminds me of a running horse with loose reins. I think this is why I felt lost in the ER. I think you were trying to establish the characters of Mrs. Perry and the doctor, but I felt like I was lost visually and was having trouble figuring out what was going on. <br /><br />Not to get into grammar, but all the tense switches back and forth were very confusing. You're going to have to choose one and stick with it, or no one will know what's going on. Also, there were punctuation issues that were confusing, so I had to go back and reread sections to figure out what was happening and what she was saying. <br /><br />It's got great potential, though, and I can't wait to see how your revisions go. : )Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9489056110702141052011-10-03T12:44:02.211-04:002011-10-03T12:44:02.211-04:00The situation has me hooked, but I agree that you ...The situation has me hooked, but I agree that you need to lose the bangs as the opening. I also want her to be more focused on what's happening to her hand. Wouldn't she panic, at least internally? The WASP thing was confusing to me because it seemed to refer to both the nurse and the woman. I also noticed some tense issues. You need to stick to either present or past. Perhaps it has to do with internal thoughts and they aren't italicized because of formatting? <br />I liked the voice, but still felt a disconnect to what was happening. So I would recommend thinking through exactly what you need to get across and using that as a road map of sorts. <br />Can't wait for the revision. :DLisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-66490875850481867262011-10-03T12:21:36.879-04:002011-10-03T12:21:36.879-04:00I love the voice too. That was what hooked me. I a...I love the voice too. That was what hooked me. I agree with slow down. It seems like she is rushing to get everything out. Maybe a little more dialogue would help?Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-61804007616601643272011-10-03T11:16:55.660-04:002011-10-03T11:16:55.660-04:00Hi Steph,
Okay, I LOVE the first line. Love it, l...Hi Steph,<br /><br />Okay, I LOVE the first line. Love it, love it, love it. But I also hate it, because later in the story, it becomes clear it is a device to get us hooked. Devices like that are fine, but they work best when they are truly intrinsic. Unfortunately, in this case, the mechanics don't make sense. So, I love the voice, love the character, love the situation and the setup you have going, but I think you have to do something to make the bangs a real part of the story instead of a bit of cheat. <br /><br />It isn't clear why the bangs would make your MC lose a scholarship -- If she can't see through them, why wouldn't she cut them again? And why didn't she tuck them in again before she took her swing? Unless the cap came off, which I don't buy. I get that you're trying to give us a sense of the stakes and her place on the team. But we need mroe information and a more organic reason.<br /><br />Similarly, how did what happened to send her to the ER have anything to do with her bangs?<br /><br />Overall, I have no idea what happened to her hand. I need that situation much more clear. I'd like to see more of the team dynamics through a scene instead of her narrative, and I'd like a better scene with the coach in place of quite so much narrative. Ditto Mrs. Perry. Slow things down.<br /><br />I have to say that you have us. You've hooked us. Your voice rocks. Trust yourself and slow down. Be confident that we're not going anywhere and take time to orient us into your mc's fascinating life. I don't mean a ton of slowing down, but enough to show us the action clearly and show us a little bit more of the characterization. <br /><br />We need a slightly stronger balance between showing and telling--that's all. Otherwise, this is truly wonderful.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com