tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post87513983485997479..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages December Workshop - JonesMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-71342729116056338212011-12-06T18:09:22.025-05:002011-12-06T18:09:22.025-05:00Hi Sandi, sorry if I repeat things that others say...Hi Sandi, sorry if I repeat things that others say -- I didn't want to let their opinions influence mine. I'll start line by line and then write about the whole.<br /><br />I was a little confused by the first paragraph. It took me a while to figure out what exactly was going on and where Chelsea was in relation. Also, a few paragraphs later, it says that Chelsea's heart thudded after seeing the name GEOFF on the license-- that made me wonder if she knew the guy. I think that the placement of some of her reactions may need to be reordered.<br /><br />When the mom says that the house is their new house, it didn't feel like something she would normally say but rather something you were saying for our benefit (especially since they moved because of the mother's job; Chelsea should know it's their new house). Chelsea's comment about not being able to offer her thoughts also strikes me weirdly; I'd suggest expanding more on the ideal landscape comment instead. Give us more of a sense of who she is with her perspective on the house, but do also watch out for the competing artistic descriptions. First you say it's great for a landscape painting, then for an Impressionist portrait. That makes it harder for me to picture the house.<br /><br />The mother's reaction to Chelsea's comment also strikes me weirdly. It seems devoid of emotion, specifically the "It means a lot." Saying that upfront, I think, makes it less real for me. Maybe you can show how much it means, rather than having the mother run up the stairs after Chelsea says her peace. Also, with that, I think you need to expand on Chelsea's "maybe she wouldn't be sad anymore" comment. That would give me more of sense of what the mother and Chelsea are like.<br /><br />Why isn't Chelsea resentful of Mr. Ramsey? Because her mother is writing his memoir, they had to move and one of his guests nearly hit them on their drive up. And why did she picture him as a cartoon villain? That, I think, takes away some of the mystery you just built.<br /><br />There's also a disconnect between Ramsey greeting the mom and her introducing Chelsea.<br /><br />I think you've done a great job establishing the mystery and the setting, and I love all the artistic references, but I'm not fully sold on the emotion just yet. You have lots of potential and I can't wait to see your next revision!Christina Reads YAhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14937783114868207494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56283164318833423952011-12-05T23:14:18.757-05:002011-12-05T23:14:18.757-05:00The above is me: Shelley. Had trouble with other ...The above is me: Shelley. Had trouble with other profiles.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-15830915879790127612011-12-05T23:13:34.572-05:002011-12-05T23:13:34.572-05:00This reads like a cozy Adult mystery, which I love...This reads like a cozy Adult mystery, which I love. But, I'm guessing that's not what you're going for. Kids do care about their parents, but they care about themselves more. It's a teen thing. So make sure Chelsea is real. Picking up and moving for her mother's job would put most teen's over the brink, so make sure you find out what and who Chelsea really wants and needs. I love your descritions of this house. It's going to be a part of the story but I agree with the above that you need to find a couple of descriptions and leave it at that. Might you bring the love interest in sooner? Like in person? I do love where this is going. Lots of potential here. Nice writing style.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-84054095130182956572011-12-05T21:59:17.804-05:002011-12-05T21:59:17.804-05:00Sandi -
I'm glad I'm commenting after you ...Sandi -<br />I'm glad I'm commenting after you did - you give me something new to say that takes care of one of my concerns. <br />I'm not getting Chelsea's voice. I agree with the others that it sounds older and like this is her mother's story. <br />You mention that all of the description is because that's how Chelsea sees things, yet there's the issue of needing to get to the meat of things. Maybe pick a couple things that really capture her attention and make them personal or particularly meaningful to her. Then get to the meat a little sooner. <br />I also echo the dialog comment above - there were a couple spots where you were getting info into dialog and it was coming off false - maybe the info can wait or be woven in more naturally. <br />And yes, I want to know about the boy in the Vette - I'm assuming Geoff is going to be important - and would love to see her get a glance or even give in to her urge to shout something out the window. <br />I'm interested to see what's next for Chelsea - it seems like there are a lot of things that you might be throwing at her. Can't wait to see:)Marilee Hayneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16757885702409755120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80260322420756411462011-12-05T15:38:17.120-05:002011-12-05T15:38:17.120-05:00Thank you, Martina, Chris, and Lisa! You've gi...Thank you, Martina, Chris, and Lisa! You've given me lots to work with. I think pretty much everything you're missing shows up in the next three paragraphs! So I'll try to cut some backstory and move everything forward. I hesitate to cut much description because that's so much a part of who Chelsea is and how she views things. <br /><br />Lisa, she definitely lets her inner teen out after the "prep school" comment! I had more interaction between the mom and daughter just before the near-accident, but was told to cut it by my critique partners and start at the gates. I LOVE the idea of her asking and him being evasive at first. PERFECT. Thanks, y'all!Sandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02809497364875067330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-79164601866408377732011-12-05T14:05:13.254-05:002011-12-05T14:05:13.254-05:00I think you're holding back. I think, based on...I think you're holding back. I think, based on your MC's inclination to swear at the driver and call her dad's girlfriend skeevy, that she wouldn't be quite so compliant in a huge move. If it's because of her mother, great! Show us her desire to help the mom outwardly, but the REAL feeling inside. That kind of tension should help up the interest and stakes as well. <br /><br />The car. It felt thrown in. Maybe get us in this strange place. Let's see some internal conflict like I described above (if I read that right), and let loose with the teen voice. Don't be afraid. THEN have the car come out of nowhere. Maybe even have her (and it could be that this happens right after so forgive me) ask the writer (wow he's doing pretty well!) who that was. If he's evasive, then we have some more conflict. <br /><br />I also felt like there was some info dump in the dialogue. She and her mom know they're moving and what her mom does. And the dialogue did not feel natural to me. I know it's tough to do this. But I also think you're up to the task. :D <br /><br />Can't wait to see the revision.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-32446386830273113212011-12-05T13:42:32.660-05:002011-12-05T13:42:32.660-05:00Sandi,
I hope I don't miss anything I said be...Sandi,<br /><br />I hope I don't miss anything I said before. I tried posting this crit and the website and my computer conspired against it.<br /><br />AS. I. WAS. SAYING...<br /><br />I liked the descriptions of the house and grounds. I like the setting. I live in southern NC and have traipsed all through SC, Charleston and Savannah. So I was immediately pulled into that aspect of it.<br /><br />The opening sequence pulled me in off the bat. I obviously want that sequence to mean something later.<br /><br />Everything sort of cools off and meanders for me after the opener. And even though i like the descriptions and setting... it makes me wonder if you're beginning the story in the right place because after the opener, there's nothing driving me forward. I also feel like the teeth of this story is maybe right around the corner. You could, for instance begin a little farther into the story and still work in Chelsea's wonder at the house and grounds. If indeed, you did begin at another point (not what you wanted to hear, I know) it could possibly bring forward the overall teeth of the conflict in the story... unless it's more of a quiet story.<br /><br />I don't know that I got a good sense of who Chelsea is. So far it seems more like the mother's story than Chelsea's. That said, I do like the glimpses into Chelsea; not wanting to sleep under the roof of former slave owners.... and not wanting to touch anything.<br /><br />Hope any of this helps. And if I remember any more of what I was thinking I'll come back.<br /><br />-ChrisAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07995267172282765794noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-34049598271701185992011-12-05T11:36:31.206-05:002011-12-05T11:36:31.206-05:00Hi Sandi,
This is an intriguing setup with lots o...Hi Sandi,<br /><br />This is an intriguing setup with lots of obvious possibilities. I love the setting and the idea that she will be living there while her mom writes the biography. I love inherent conflict set up with the multi-racial mc and the possibility of having to confront the slavery issue. (I'm assuming that her mother is caucasian, btw, and her father is African American? Or is the other way around? A brief description of the mother might be helpful.) But I don't get a sense of what the overall conflict is going to be. This is a nice, quiet read so far, but there is little underlying tension. I also don't get a sense of the mc's stake here. It reads like you are setting up a romance for the mother, and/or potentially a suspense story. But I do think we need more up front, which may mean you are starting in the wrong spot. Is there somewhere else that you could set this so that we get to the conflict faster, or could you set up a secondary conflict to bridge us in? If the driver of the corvette was a teen and will be the romantic lead for your mc, maybe she needs to catch a glimpse of someone much younger than the guy who was going to be her mother's boss -- or something along those lines. You know your story. What is going to tell us that there is conflict coming? I hate to use the dreaded Twilight as an example, but it became a best-seller in large part because SM put conflict on every page. Even though it was a quiet opening, you knew Bella didn't want to go to Forks. You knew she was going to humor her mother, to give her mother the opportunity she needed with her new husband. And you knew that Bella was going to have issues with Charlie.<br /><br />SO. Conflict. If she's a teen and she's curious, would she have looked up the house? Would she know it had slave quarters? Would that cause conflict? Would she know it was remote and she was going to have to go to a private school? Would that make her hate the idea? Whatever your story is, get that tension into these first pages.<br /><br />Apart from that, the sequence of events here seems perfectly plausible. If you want to keep the near miss at the beginning, I think you need to tweak it to let us know that the mc and her mother are in a car approaching the gates in the dark before we get to the headlights of the oncoming car. Perhaps the mother is checking for an address, maybe there's a blind corner that she's inching around, or whatever. But give us something so that we understand the stakes of the Corvette barelling out before we get to it and get dumped into all that emotion. <br /><br />Next, consider your overall balance of dialogue, action, introspection/backstory and description. You seem to be a little heavy on the latter two.<br /><br />I also felt a little as though you were coming at this from the mother's corner than the daughter's. I can't pinpoint the reason why exactly. It may be the voice in general seems older despite the good use of age-appropriate slang.<br /><br />I didn't buy the reference to Paula Dean. It took me out of the story completely. The Bill Gates one didn't really strike me as age appropriate either, which may be part of what contributed to the voice issue I described above.<br /><br />Finally, is the prep school necessary? It seems like a bit overkill for the price of a biography. We writers don't get paid that well. :D If you need it for your plot, you'll need to justify it in some way. <br /><br />That's it. You've taken a very logical approach, so it's easy to read and the potential is there. I just have no idea where it's going :) and I'm eager to see the revision!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com