tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post8492717272411209677..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #4 Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-60374361717108006772011-09-22T12:24:53.347-04:002011-09-22T12:24:53.347-04:00I loved it! A few questions? Why does the brother ...I loved it! A few questions? Why does the brother purposely knock her cereal off the counter. I liked the above suggestion on her accidentally spilling it. Greta Idea! I like your dialogue and the insanity of the situation. I would like to understand more about the curse. Have they always been this crazy? The father seems to be normal. I'm always thrown off when she heads to her bedroom.Is she going to school? Is this a weekday? But I love the ending you have. Just another detail to add to the story!! Fun to read. Sherisheri levyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08044105588939751015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78851815565809218642011-09-21T10:15:18.459-04:002011-09-21T10:15:18.459-04:00I liked these paragraphs from the first entry bett...I liked these paragraphs from the first entry better.<br /><br />She yanked her long brown ponytail as she flipped the lid on the trash. “Milk? Spilt milk!” She whipped around. “Did you cry? Cry!” She caught her breath. “Wait. Is it don’t cry?” Mom’s head jerked from Marcus, to the trash, and then to me. “Which is it? Cry? Don’t cry? Tell me!”<br /><br /><br />...<br /><br />Mom snatched out a chair and plopped down. “Salt. Not milk. No crying.” Then she started rocking. “My fault. All my fault.” She dropped her head into her hands; her shoulders shook. The wailing would start soon.<br /><br />and I also think you should keep the <br /><br />“Salt. Not milk. No crying.” She snatched up the salt shaker and held it out to me. “Please?” -->It adds a certain amount of desperate, innocent pathos to the mix. I do understand that the mother is in a very fragile state, and you are trying to convey that.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9872716206455101582011-09-19T15:54:40.803-04:002011-09-19T15:54:40.803-04:00This is good stuff. Typing one handed cause of bro...This is good stuff. Typing one handed cause of broken arm in cement cast. AAARRRGH!<br />Come enjoy Pirate Alphabet starring some of your favorite authors and illustrators.<br />http://thepenandinkblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/acetone-and-alcohol-birth-of-pirate.html<br />have you thought about Sasha knocking her own bowl of cereal off the table? That could be the "Why is this day different from any other day" moment. Maybe Sasha is never clumsy. I GET THAT she doesn't believe in the curse and that her mother and brother do, but we nneed to know specifically what the curse is. i.e "i don't believe in the family curse. it's ridiculous to believe that if i don't do (whatever) before my 13th birthday, (terrible thing) will happen.<br /> you might consider letting the cereal spill happening 13 days before her birthday.<br />thanks for letting mr read this.The Pen and Ink Blogspothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01709195512534318571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-55386316080899403232011-09-19T12:59:34.351-04:002011-09-19T12:59:34.351-04:00Thanks for all the great comments!Thanks for all the great comments!Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-28047861419006895212011-09-19T12:11:55.222-04:002011-09-19T12:11:55.222-04:00Still love it. You've added good explanations....Still love it. You've added good explanations. I think what's causing confusion now is the distinction between the curse and the insanity. Are they related? Or just a coincidence? If it's a direct result of the supposed "curse" Maybe a line like I was not ending up as whacked as them or whatever a 12 yr. old would say would help clarify. The only line that pulled me out was sans milk. You could just say At least I hadn't gotten to the milk yet. Or something like that. But honestly, I just love this. The originality is off the charts. :DLisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-37650125157353946982011-09-19T12:01:36.533-04:002011-09-19T12:01:36.533-04:00Hi Sarah,
There really aren't any major issue...Hi Sarah,<br /><br />There really aren't any major issues with this, except that<br /><br />1)I would still like more information about the curse up front so that I'm better grounded<br /><br />2)I would like some specific details so I know the characters better--what kind of cereal, why is the floor cement? etc.<br /><br />3) I agree with Halli about some of the language, although I was more caught by things like: "Cuckoo, indeed." -- more likely to be Cockoo was right, or something like that, no? Distinct lack of sanity--total lack of sanity, maybe? Etc.<br /><br />That's it. It's got energy, humor, and a unique, fun situation. Can't wait to read the next version.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-79011859161985932652011-09-19T09:47:36.597-04:002011-09-19T09:47:36.597-04:00And one more thing - is your title Thirteen Black ...And one more thing - is your title Thirteen Black Cats Under a Ladder? I LOVE that title!Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-15342000926385028642011-09-19T09:46:26.719-04:002011-09-19T09:46:26.719-04:00I'm not sure what has changed. I know some of ...I'm not sure what has changed. I know some of the wording has, but I'm still wondering about what the thing is with the curse, and why the mom is acting like that.<br /><br />I do love the dialogue between brother and sister. Seems genuine the way they pick at each other.<br /><br />I would also look at the language. Sasha is 12 years old. Do they talk like that? For example: "sans milk," "traipsing," and "shattered on the cement floor."<br />Thanks!!Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.com