tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post8460507015761887470..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 pages workshop - July entry #4Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20059244889168538952011-07-05T08:27:36.085-04:002011-07-05T08:27:36.085-04:00I really liked the opening - and I love fantasy - ...I really liked the opening - and I love fantasy - so was intrigued by the story and what happens next. I also liked how you introduced her age and the details in the story - they melded really well. I also would like a bit more description so I know what time period I'm in - I agree that it seemed modern but I wasnt sure. And the idea of jumping off a building to get your magic to come to life was great - felt very orginal and authentic. And so sad that I could identify with her very quickly. Good job.Carolynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-4834507779234573042011-07-04T12:42:58.467-04:002011-07-04T12:42:58.467-04:00I loved reading this! Great job. I especially like...I loved reading this! Great job. I especially like Danielle's voice. Her bravery, recklessness, wit and touch of sarcasm make her come alive. The way she phrases things and that last line are just great.<br /><br />I felt like I understood the magic, but didn't get the fact that the bracelet was a shield until the third time reading through it. I like the clue about avenging her mother, but I agree with the other commenters that you don't need so many flashbacks. I would keep the one where she's drifting away while being healed and sees her brother's big eyes and she's 5 and intruding on him and their dad. That was very personal and it made me interested in her and Jamie's relationship. I felt like I could wait on understanding her dad. The siblings felt more important.<br /><br />I liked the way you started it on the rail. But I do agree with Lisa in that you could maybe get a little more into what's at stake sooner, to make the reader more invested. Maybe that means moving her thoughts about avenging her mother and having until midnight sooner, like the third or fourth paragraph?<br /><br />I got the cold comfort and sparks of warmth, but I think you could make it clearer by saying that when she touched the cold metal, it warmed and sent sparks down her arm.<br /><br />Some random things: you can avoid "had had" by rearranging the sentence (It was during the twisted ankle flashback.). Also, she mentions praying to Gods (capitalized), and then Jamie says later, "My god..." (not capitalized).<br /><br />The only other thing I noticed was it felt more like High Fantasy (especially with the mention of her mother being a Priestess) and so I was a little shocked when you mentioned Jamie wearing jeans. Maybe you could describe where the balcony is--give us a hint that it's a modern building/house? I was picturing a palace or something until it became obvious that it was a modern setting. Is she in a apartment complex and that's why there's a balcony and an outside staircase?<br /><br />Anyway, fantastic job. Love your opening, love the magic, and am already invested in Danielle's story!<br />~MandyMandyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02469060850586944800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-90662238123962690712011-07-04T10:43:51.352-04:002011-07-04T10:43:51.352-04:00I know this! I think I critiqued your query on que...I know this! I think I critiqued your query on querytracker! Anyway, I liked this a lot :) I would definitely keep reading. Though, I did think that the flashback was not needed. The only think we got from it was that her father loved her and that's probably a detail that will be easy to explain a little later. Also, "Frantically, she squeezed her eyes shut..."? Maybe it's just me, but frantically to me implies a wild, almost repetitive action. I think you could just cut frantically altogether. I was little confused when you first talked about Jaime running down the stairs and Danni being able to see this, I guess, because I didn't know there was an external staircase, maybe a little clarification on that. <br /><br />I liked the descriptions of the magic and understood them easily, they created very cool images in my head. All in all, great job!Leah Rae Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15016306009472838900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-51887884768704870392011-07-03T11:49:08.291-04:002011-07-03T11:49:08.291-04:00I REALLY like this! I have only a few comments, bu...I REALLY like this! I have only a few comments, but first of all your writing is gorgeous.<br /><br />I really like the way you build the world in this, I'm curious, I like that we get the interaction between these two right off the bat. The flashback seems kind of jarring when we're still worrying about her being dead, but I also sort of like the way it shows that magic has been around her whole life. We get a sense of her problem early on, too. Good job!Chelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-42129848081165091692011-07-03T11:22:14.861-04:002011-07-03T11:22:14.861-04:00Very promising! I like where you started this pass...Very promising! I like where you started this passage. The action is there from the first paragraph, which I love.<br /><br />I feel like some of the information might wait until a bit later. With the several paragraphs of backstory throughout, I felt like the narrative slowed a little. I was more interested in finding out what would happen next.<br /><br />Also, after Danni jumps and is injured, it seemed strange to me that she'd be able to name the runes that way. Not that it seemed unbelievable that she'd know them. She just seemed unusually aware of her surroundings and her educational background for someone who's in such pain.<br /><br />Finally, maybe I'm dumb, but it wasn't until I read this: "And now it was too late. If fear of dying didn’t jolt her magic awake, then nothing would" that I realized she wasn't trying to escape or something--she was trying to wake up her magic. Right?<br /><br />But, honestly, I enjoyed reading this passage. It was a quick, interesting read that sustained my interest. I'm excited to see how it evolves over the coming weeks.Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13544703229078531691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-6856700381248845052011-07-03T00:47:05.479-04:002011-07-03T00:47:05.479-04:00Very well done! Love that you got across a lot of ...Very well done! Love that you got across a lot of information and emotion in just a few sentences, like "Who would avenge her mother's memory then?" I got her goal-motivation-conflict perfectly. I also got the magic system in context, and was okay with the level of detail. <br /><br />I would clear up a few nitpicky things, like the second paragraph's contradictory "cold comfort" that sends "sparks of warmth" through her arm. Also, I also didn't understand "Reckless insanity on one side, bitter disappointment on the other" after reading it a few times, so that was jarring. <br /><br />Otherwise, I really liked this.Cathy Yardleyhttp://rockyourwriting.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-55185361945671330672011-07-02T18:06:17.718-04:002011-07-02T18:06:17.718-04:00There's a lot going on here! I love that the m...There's a lot going on here! I love that the magic is there right away. That it's something familiar to the protagonist. I am confused as to what was happening, however. What did her brother do - and why did it backfire? That needs to be clearer. You elude to many things in the past, but maybe you should save a couple of those for later, let us assimilate to your world and ground us with a few facts first. <br /><br />Type of magic: I'd like to understand how the magic works. What it can do, and how. What are the limitations? I get a few answers, but still feel a tad confused. I know you can't get everything in the first five pages, but if you're going to show it/use it, you have to make it clear. The runes remind me of the Immortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare. In this story are they unique to her brother? Why does her magic work differently? Does he physically draw them, or trace them with his finger? <br /><br />I think I'd like to get to know your MC a little more before putting her in that kind of danger. The impact (ooh didn't intend that pun sorry) it would have on the reader would be so much greater if we were fully invested in her already. <br /><br />I'm enthralled by the magic, and I can't wait to see your revision. :DLisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com