tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post812194394172435625..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages March Workshop - SilvaMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-1171322379868719952012-03-11T21:46:22.906-04:002012-03-11T21:46:22.906-04:00Hi Jessica. Sorry for the late reply. I am probabl...Hi Jessica. Sorry for the late reply. I am probably just going to echo what a lot have been saying. I knew from the heading it was supposed to be sci fi, but in the beginning I thought I misread because the sci fi didn't click until the holograms. Once it did, I was brought back in, and I love the idea of the MC hiding out to see her dad. Is this the only way she can see him, by sneaking around? Why risk truancy? Or better yet, why is she so good at not getting caught? There's so much I want to know, so my interest is definitely piqued. I just had some trouble connecting in the beginning because I was looking for the sci fi. Can't wait to see revisions!Amyhttp://amylovesya.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-33739720777362467642012-03-08T07:14:43.596-05:002012-03-08T07:14:43.596-05:00A wonderful beginning to a story that sounds very ...A wonderful beginning to a story that sounds very interesting. I loved the hologram idea of 'dead historians'as well. It raised some more questions, like why dead historians, what happend them, but I guess that comes later in he story.<br /><br />Oh, the emotion when she sees her father! Heartbreaking. <br /><br />When the hologram materializes, she says... “Hi, Dad.” I wrapped my arms around one of the table’s legs. Does she think the words, or whisper, given that she is hiding. <br /><br />All in all, a wonderful chapter to a start of an awesome sci-fi story. :)Cecilia Roberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04416564789369523352noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-88443156251502493402012-03-07T20:39:22.039-05:002012-03-07T20:39:22.039-05:00Hi Jessica,
I love the premise, and I will absolu...Hi Jessica,<br /><br />I love the premise, and I will absolutely echo what everyone else said. Although we don't normally line edit here, I have to say that Sarah's suggestions were really good. The opening line drew me in, but I was pulled out because I was trying to figure out what was going on, and I didn't get hooked back in until the historians came in. Then when I found out she was wanting to see her father, that was awesome.<br /><br />I was also pulled out a bit because I kept getting tripped up wondering if this was a historical, or if it was set in Britain, or both, and trying to remember that it was SciFi. I wonder if you don't need to differentiate the world a little bit more? Is there something that you can pull up front here to really ground us in your "different" world? Touches like the compost bin in the lecture hall are awesome, but again, a little too close to be--at least for me--other than disorienting.<br /><br />Apart from that, while I really like the promise of a potential romance with Gavriel, you might go back and check to make sure his characterization is what you were hoping for. Things like "soft chuckle" (sounds older to me) jar with clomping boots (which sounds younger). Overall, I'd love to get a little more of a hint about their current relationship. They were best friends at eleven, and they're the same age now, but he's an intern and she isn't? If she is good enough at school to be a valedictorian, why isn't she an intern? If she has been doing this for six years, then what is different for her is the entrance of Gavriel, and so that's what I would suggest you focus on, together with the world-building. The fact that he gets to do something openly that she has to sneak to do is fascinating in terms of what it suggests about the world and their relationship. (Unless I'm completely off base?)<br /><br />Eager to see where you take this!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49690936918326527412012-03-07T09:29:56.670-05:002012-03-07T09:29:56.670-05:00Eeeek! I can't wait till I get to read/crit th...Eeeek! I can't wait till I get to read/crit this! (Yes. Be jealous.) <br /><br />I'd only have a nitpick here and there and maybe something to say about the top section, like previous critters...but I'll save that for in-lines. <br /><br />Awesome job. Lots of tension and emotion. I can tell it's gonna be un-put-downable.<br /><br /><33333Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-73400274620162228852012-03-07T01:51:44.947-05:002012-03-07T01:51:44.947-05:00I was also confused about the beginning. At first ...I was also confused about the beginning. At first I thought she was talking about other people lying because of the "if it were me," line. It is her so she doesn't wouldn't think that.<br /><br />I wasn't hooked until the end when I realized all this was for the chance to see her father. I think you need to hint at that from the beginning. Let us know how desperately she's been waiting for this chance to see him. How nervous she is about getting chucked out before she has the chance. This would make her much more sympathetic to the reader. We need to see the stakes.<br /><br />Also - the paragraph about the (assumed) love interest, confused me. "He had some kind of trick with that sort of thing—be it from across the parterre or from two floors down. It was a worthless talent." No clue what you're talking about here - his ability to see her from far away? At first I thought it was electronics as he was needed to help out.<br /><br />Could the professor have a name? Much easier than calling him professor all the time. If that is his title and the way your MC names him, then professor needs to be capitalized.<br /><br />I was very touched at the lengths she went to to see her dad. Good job.PattiBuffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07498161550187573134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-11673333545641837972012-03-06T21:01:13.911-05:002012-03-06T21:01:13.911-05:00Thanks Kheryn and Sarah. These are GREAT comments ...Thanks Kheryn and Sarah. These are GREAT comments and I can totally see where you're coming from :) I can't wait to edit this and see how much improved it'll be.Jessica Silvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15405267450788581689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50110690651666072542012-03-06T15:48:53.198-05:002012-03-06T15:48:53.198-05:00The first sentence drew me in...and then the other...The first sentence drew me in...and then the other sentences muddled up the initial idea. I'd say to simplify.<br /><br />"For most people, lying is easy. I had my share of excuses and a pretty good record—six years of unnoticed truancy. But surely my last year in secondary education wouldn’t be my downfall." <br /><br />I mean, not perfect, but it's to the point. I'd do the same for some of the other paragraphs...get to the point. First. <br /><br />Don't let an hour and a half pass while she's hiding in the room. Have her purpose--in seeing her father again--be forefront to everything. Maybe she slips in the back of a lecture that's already taking place.<br /><br />Things I LOVED: the emotion over seeing her father (hollogram or not), the hugging the desk leg, etc. the dialogue, just a hint at what's going on, but enough for now. throwing her apple away behind the velvet curtain. All that little stuff helps me picture her character and empathize with her.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43548903532330651662012-03-06T11:49:41.985-05:002012-03-06T11:49:41.985-05:00I really like that this is all in scene, without t...I really like that this is all in scene, without too much background information, and I can tell that there's a cool premise behind the "historians." The main thing that didn't work as well was the beginning. The first few paragraphs were confusing and seemed to be a little disconnected from the rest of the story, and the sentence structure just didn't seem to make as much sense either. Maybe tightening the first paragraphs would help. Also, I wasn't too sure what the MC was doing, so I wasn't as invested in her trying not to get caught. It became clear towards the end that she was sneaking into a class, but I think a small hint a little earlier on would help me to focus on the story - otherwise, it was just a girl sneaking into an auditorium, and it was a little hard for me to care why she was. Overall, this is a great beginning.Kheryn Callenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00430191402313735917noreply@blogger.com