tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post8104335245530457649..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages February Workshop - WilsonMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-71283880155929394372012-02-10T16:00:49.939-05:002012-02-10T16:00:49.939-05:00Great opening line--it hooked me right away and ma...Great opening line--it hooked me right away and made me want to read more. You have a fun voice, too, vaguely reminiscent of Lemony Snickett--an omniscient narrator, which can be hard to pull off, but I think you make it work.<br /><br />You hint at a bigger picture conflict in the opening paragraph and then again when Koral's customers enter the shop, which is intriguing, but since you don't reveal this conflict in the opening pages, I would suggest cutting these hints. They left me wanting more of that conflict and, when you don't satisfy my curiosity for an entire scene, I'm disappointed. This also distracts me from the unfolding scene with the brother and sister, so I don't appreciate it as much as I would otherwise.<br /><br />You have a lot of compelling text and dialog through here. I think you could make it even more compelling by tightening the writing, moving more quickly into the story. For instance: "Koral Waters guessed the man and woman on her front porch were in their mid-to-late twenties -- or late thirties? She was terrible at guessing ages, which always concerned clients expecting a first-rate psychic evaluation. They were pleasant looking, though, with blond hair and tiny eyes.<br /><br />Koral smiled warmly. "Welcome to Koral Waters' Realm of the Psychic, a one-of-a-kind psychic evaluation and reading. I am Koral Waters.""<br /><br />The man snorted. "I'm sorry, your name is Koral Waters? I thought that was your theme or something. Like a beach-themed psychic reading." He didn't even attempt to suppress his laughter." <br />-----<br />You wouldn't have to do it the way I did, of course--I think the key is to look for places for one line of dialog, or one adjective, will give your reader the impact you want.<br /><br />You paint a really funny scene and an interesting character, and your submission ends with a terrific page-turner. If there was more to read, I definitely would! Nice work!Cheryl Reifhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01717232463223093632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81097444219853872652012-02-08T10:22:45.302-05:002012-02-08T10:22:45.302-05:00Great start, but I agree with the things other peo...Great start, but I agree with the things other people have mentioned about Koral seeming just a scoch too incompetent and her seeming older than YA. Also, the guy was a bit over the top with his eye-rolling and anger. He might be a skeptic, but I don't think he'd storm out in disgust because Koral assumed they were a couple. He might leave, but more because it's obviously a waste of his time.<br /><br />About the old woman, who seems like she's being set up as Koral's call to adventure, I don't think we need to see her until the inciting incident, and I think placing her in the first paragraph takes away some of the punch of meeting her.<br /><br />I see what others are saying about being too far from Koral. I don't think it necessarily needs to be in first person to draw us closer to her, but the third person should be fairly limited for a YA audience to really connect with the character (at least according to what I've heard from YA folks). <br /><br />For example, this paragraph is perfect close-in 3rd person: "Koral hesitated. She sensed a great deal about their relationship strictly from their interactions with one another, but she mustn't let her physical interpretation affect her otherworldly intuition. She must remain dispassionate and in control of her sight."<br /><br />In contrast, your first paragraph is 3rd-person omniscient, meaning someone external to the protagonist is telling the reader stuff that the protagonist doesn't know.<br /><br />It can work to bounce between the two (think The Hitchhiker's Guide), but if you really want us to emotionally bond with Koral, there's nothing like 3rd-limited or 1st.<br /><br />Re: the incompetence issue, consider having her be good at either the psychic stuff or the business end of things. Maybe she's a poor psychic but her business sense is top-notch, which is how she keeps getting customers despite her crappy predictions. Or maybe she makes every business mistake in the book, but she sure knows how to give a reading. Or maybe she's crap at both business and psychic stuff, but she's a hell of a showman with smoke and mirrors and costumes and the whole nine yards.<br /><br />About her seeming older than YA, it is unusual for a teen to have a business where strangers come to her house on a regular basis. Unusual, but not impossible. I would just like to see in the first few paragraphs some mention of why she's running the business, just so we get a sense of who she is and why she puts herself through this. I don't think it's in your best interest to wait until page 6 to talk about it, because so much of our feeling about Koral will come into play (I suspect) when we find out why she's doing this. (And lengthening this scene would only help it, IMO.)<br /><br />Overall, I think the premise is quite intriguing and unusual, but I would need to be able to empathize with Koral more to really sink into it. Give me a reason to root for her, and I'm in!M.E. Summerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15721635796108451198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-89171776999183765182012-02-07T20:05:24.094-05:002012-02-07T20:05:24.094-05:00The only thing I can agree with Helene about is th...The only thing I can agree with Helene about is that I would like to know Koral's age. That other stuff, about how she stays in business by giving away free coupons, how she can afford a place to live, etc. If you spent your first five pages explaining back story, we'd all be here criticizing you for that. Ha. But you should at least drop her age somewhere; that would help me picture her a little bit.<br /><br />Or maybe you do. But you do it at the beginning of page 6. That's the problem with only reading 5 pages. I know you have more to say, and you probably explain every question Helene has (at least, I hope you do) throughout the novel. I bet the old woman even comes back to play here soon, but just not in the first five pages. I wish we could've had the first chapter, or at least first 10 pages.<br /><br />But what you should be able to accomplish in five pages are two things: believability and empathy. Whether I understand everything that's happening, I should believe it. I think I do. It all seems to make sense (and knowing Koral's age would help me decide). As for empathy, I may not need to know Koral's complete life story in the first five pages, but I agree with some of the above comments in that I don't feel like she and I are connecting. There does seem to be some distance between us. Using Lisa B.'s phrase, "Zoom in on her."<br /><br />Good luck!Kaylanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49784616723374297272012-02-07T18:23:40.658-05:002012-02-07T18:23:40.658-05:00How old is Koral? It seems odd, despite the free c...How old is Koral? It seems odd, despite the free coupon, that the couple wouldn't question her age when it comes to her ability... unless she dresses herself older or? And how is able to sustain herself (and afford a place to live) if she gave out so many free coupons and is a teenager and poor psychic none the less? I really loved this excerpt, but as I was reading, I couldn't help but wonder about both issues. Perhaps you could work these details in as you explore Koral's personality more as the others suggested? As is, she seems much older than a YA protagonist to me.<br /><br />Also, I'm not sure I get a sense of where the story is headed. The first paragraph introduces us to the antagonist but then you have the reading, and I don't get a sense for how the two relate. Because of that, the first paragraph comes off as being rather random. Can you leave a hint for the inciting incident? (Unless this reading was it?)Helenenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-75963446512651314502012-02-07T12:26:20.797-05:002012-02-07T12:26:20.797-05:00Hi Rhea,
I loved the opening line, and I don'...Hi Rhea,<br /><br />I loved the opening line, and I don't have a problem with starting in macro view then focusing in, if you have a reason to do it. But if you do have a reason, then I would expect that within the initial five pages, you would bring us back to that reason. The way this was set up, I expected there to be a connection between the couple and the woman down the street. An investigation into her business, something.<br /><br />I had two main problems with this. One, I didn't feel any real y/a vibe off this. She came across as older to me, and that may be because she has had a business for at least two years. Two, I was confused about her sense of whether she knows she doesn't have any psychic ability and that paragraph where she had a break-through. Does she ALWAYS have a break-through moment that she is SURE is right? Only to find out it isn't? Is she hoping for that moment? THe opening paragraph plays into this confusion about her skills, and it might be easier--and perhaps stronger--if you open with the knowledge that she predicted she would be a good psychic someday but so far, very few of her predictions had come through. How does she feel about having to rely on human observations to get through the "psychic" sessions? Why is she doing this at all? And maybe a little more about her personal situation? <br /><br />I love the concept. I like her character, but I'd love to see some of these issues addressed. And I'm not one to say that you have to start this in first person, but that would certainly let you have some FUN with this character. At the very least for purposes of exploring her voice. <br /><br />Eager to read more!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-35382029281436592412012-02-06T19:27:03.129-05:002012-02-06T19:27:03.129-05:00I like where you're going here, I'm just n...I like where you're going here, I'm just not sure you're taking the right vehicle. I, too, would love to see this in first person, but another solution would be to tighten up Koral's POV while keeping it in third person. Zoom in on her. <br /><br />As far as the beginning, I would read more, but that's based on the idea itself, not necessarily this beginning. I would love to see more about the woman watching her from the end of the block, or something equally as exciting. The interaction with the brother/sister team is fun, but not enough to really draw readers in. Try again. Excited to see you take this. Good luck!Lisa B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11499350159201423248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-79244572109928202062012-02-06T15:35:40.702-05:002012-02-06T15:35:40.702-05:00This is an interesting beginning!
As for the &quo...This is an interesting beginning!<br /><br />As for the "she didn't notice..." lines, I'm a sucker for those, so they didn't bother me at all, and I liked the intrigue they provided. But I must say, because I then wanted to know what the woman was doing there, I felt like the interaction with the brother and sister dragged along a bit. So, it might be good to either focus on the woman (and streamline the interaction with the non-couple), or bring it in later. Maybe when they're leaving her house?<br /><br />My other thought is that I got a really good sense of both of the main character's personality and the man by the end of the excerpt, but I didn't really like either of them. I'm sure I'm not supposed to like the guy, so that's fine, but I wonder if Koral comes across as too incompetent at the moment. It's a fine line between lovable vulnerability and being detestably pathetic, and I think she might be verging on the pathetic side right now. Maybe eliminate one of her business blunders? Or just take some of the emphasis off them?<br /><br />I think the way it ends it great, though, and I'm definitely interested to know where this is going!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-67578273252973672432012-02-06T14:31:45.659-05:002012-02-06T14:31:45.659-05:00I think I get what you are trying to do. I read th...I think I get what you are trying to do. I read this more like a screenplay. I felt like I was watching a movie or series and was able to see things Koral didn't notice. It was, however, a bit confusing. I didn't like the fact that I was rereading a sentence to try to understand it, only to find it was explained in the next sentence. A little too clever for its own good? <br /><br />I do love the story so far but I too am wondering if it was in 1st person could I relate better to Koral. I feel distant, like I'm watching. I know there are 295+ pages already written, so there is a lot I don't know about the story and Koral, but I also know I read a six sentence sunday not long ago with a particularly great hook. Koral's definitely got some moxie. Let's see it. I'd save this version for the screenplay adaptation and make a 1st person version 2. Editing can be fun.The Shivhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08704944125442750725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81934320245614634012012-02-06T12:56:16.533-05:002012-02-06T12:56:16.533-05:00It's a really neat premise. I wonder if you...It's a really neat premise. I wonder if you've read Clarity by Kim Harrington? If not you should. Similar. I like what you're trying to do, but I think it needs some smoothing out. <br /><br />First of all, I'd love for you to try this in first person, even as an exercise. I felt just a bit too distant from your character and that might help. You can cut lines like: "a question popped into her head" It isn't necessary, just tell us the question. <br /><br />The opening: The first paragraph doesn't work for me. It's a cute idea, but the execution isn't there. I'd skip right to the couple at the door. We can see what type of psychic she is from her interaction with them. There are too many stumbling blocks. For example, if she doesn't notice the old woman, how does she notice a hand on her shoulder? Another thing first person might eliminate, as we will only notice what she does. <br /><br />I like Koral's personality. I'd like to see it completely unleashed directly to us. It's there, you can do it. Can't wait to read your next revision!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com