tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post7669126526251565975..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages June Workshop - Poston 2nd RevisionMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81278265964337208932012-06-24T11:02:52.824-04:002012-06-24T11:02:52.824-04:00I think Elana has some very valid points here so r...I think Elana has some very valid points here so rather than echo her, I'll just add a few specific details--the greenish hair, the white pinprick eyes. I don't know, I love the creepy vibe you're laying down here but this detail seemed too out of place to not be noticed by the waiter. I had a hard time imagining white pinprick eyes, which sort of slowed me as I read, as did wondering how she could know the thickness of his contacts. I think you actually do better with the subtle details--his white gloves, his stillness, how he has all the creamers. Perhaps with the eye detail, he's got sunglasses on...it's a touch more subtle, but brings up a slew of question--why? It's not exactly bright, and it's night time to boot. Then maybe she could allude to a one point he adjusted them, tugging them down slightly to peer closer at something (her?) and she swears his eyes were white. A quick flash tho--enough to plant the detail in the reader's mind, but also that she doubts what she sees--if he's too 'out there', she'd be up like a shot and out of the dining car. <br /><br />Also here: “Absolutely. And I’m just, you know, antsy traveling alone… and stuff.” ... “You know how it is, a girl, alone, going to the big city. Good times.”<br /><br />The fact that she volunteers this info...I don't know, I just didn't quite buy into it fully. It made her reveal her weakness, and women (or teens) rarely do this, especially when they are already creeped out by someone close by. It felt more as a technique to be able to lead into talk of the city and her Godfather. I wonder if instead the Waiter could draw her out a bit, ask her if this is her first time to the city, suggest she catch some shows while she's there, and she can say something about how she'd be getting more show business as it was on this move, the waiter asks what she means...and you have a natural segue into who her Godfather is and the Waiter can add his bit about being an actor, fawning over Grant, etc.<br /><br />Love the convo between the stranger and your MC. It's disturbing but makes me feel like there's so much more going on here. <br /><br />Only other thing--I still feel that the detail about not ever seeing a doctor is something that edges into 'info dump' territory. It has no bearing on this scene, so it sticks out--why is she thinking about how her mother never took her to see a doctor before? I'd cut it and bring it up later when it can naturally fit into the scene. <br /><br />Anyway, good stuff. :) Thanks for sharing the revision!Angela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-63313145338594633412012-06-21T10:57:12.748-04:002012-06-21T10:57:12.748-04:00Hmmm, okay. This is quite a bit different than wha...Hmmm, okay. This is quite a bit different than what we've seen before. <br /><br />This line is a bit confusing to me: "Home meant about as much to her as her Mom’s whereabouts meant to the fine authorities of the Philadelphia Police Department." The police don't want to find her mother? After she abandoned a minor? Really? And Mal's mom hasn't done this before, so it's out of character and why wouldn't the police want to find her? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.<br /><br />Okay, and then reading on, you call the mom "estranged" and that both she and Grant White knew it would be a while before the mother is found. I was so not getting that from the previous reads. Is this something new? I didn't realize the mother ran off all the time and that this wasn't the first time. I also had no idea the mom was "estranged." This word implies that someone's moved out or that people are no longer in contact, at least to me. So if Mal was living with her mother, it doesn't seem that they were estranged... I could be reading this more literally, though. <br /><br />The whole bit about the mom being there with milk and cookies and all that just doesn't seem like an estranged person. Sorry, I'll stop harping on you now!<br /><br />This is a great line: "her smile sprung shut like a trap."<br /><br />And this one too: "But somewhere in the distance there were towns on the cusp of another ordinary day where ordinary families wavered on the brink of ordinary alarm clocks."<br /><br />I am confused about where the stranger sits. When you say "opposite of her" I thought you meant he slid into the same booth as her, across the table. Then you say it's "across the compartment" which to me, sounds very far away. I'm thinking of a long rectangular room (on a train) that maybe only has booths pressed up against one side of the car and an aisle on the other. So maybe some setting of the dining car would help too (for those of us who've never been on a train). <br /><br />She should be SERIOUSLY ALARMED that the waiter is suddenly drooling at the counter. Because five seconds ago, he was bouncing around and going to get his card. He wouldn't just give that up. So something is SERIOUSLY WRONG. And her reaction to that is all wrong. <br /><br />She should be darting her eyes to this stranger. Taking in everything she can about him. Cataloging exits. Looking for someone, anyone, else for help. Even the creeptastic guy who was staring earlier--unless that's who this is. It's bothering me that we don't get to see the guy. IS it the same guy that was staring at the start? Or someone new? We should get an up-close-personal OH MY FREAKING HECK what's wrong with his eyes? view of the guy if it's the same freakazoid who was staring earlier. You know?<br /><br />It feels too casual and mundane, and thus it's lacking the tension it needs to drive us to keep reading. <br /><br />Hope something helps!Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56069184614441307982012-06-19T11:22:20.116-04:002012-06-19T11:22:20.116-04:00This is my first look. I have a bunch of suggestio...This is my first look. I have a bunch of suggestions below, but it's all just buffing and polishing. Particularly, I wasn't on board with Mal's reactions to events. I need a few more clues as to why she responds as she does. Setting this opening in a train is great. Good tension.<br /><br />I suggest you move the sentence: "He stirred..." to be the second - thataways I am immediately grounded in the coffee shop. Addendum: I suggest you add some physical sensation to indicate that she's on a train right there in the first paragraph. I had pictured a small-town coffee shop and was thrown to discover it wasn't so. Giving that up front will make the discussion about going someplace make sense too.<br /><br />At the first "her" - go ahead and use the mc's name. I was confused whether Mal was the same person when I got to the name.<br /><br />Can you make "please don't do that" more specific? I had to think twice about it, wondering if I'd missed something. Maybe don't sneak up on me or some such.<br /><br />Suggest "okay" instead of "fine" - I never hear people ask if somebody is fine, that is usually the response.<br /><br />I think you need to establish why Mal would confide in the waiter. It should take just a few words of interiority.<br /><br />I am confused by the sentence: "Maybe you can ask..." I have no idea what the subject of the sentence is.<br /><br />Back cramping is an odd sensation - was the truck super uncomfortable?<br /><br />I don't get what the lie is.<br /><br />You break out of voice with "esteemed" what word would she use? <br /><br />Is "estranged" the right word? Who is she estranged from? Do you mean missing?<br /><br />Suggest delete of "she hadn't left anything" Obviously, she left her daughter...<br /><br />I need some explanation for "impeccable whiteness" - her mother's nickname for the guy? Doesn't seem like Mal knew him enough to come up with one.<br /><br />I find the ya's and cut off words distracting. Need them?<br /><br />I am having difficulty reconciling the mom who abandoned her daughter with the one bringing milk and cookies. You don't need "sweet" smell - the reader knows that about sugar. That paragraph needs some editing to smooth it out.<br /><br />Make clear Mal and mom are alone at the solstice party. Nightmares seem an outsized reaction to the experience. Does she think her mother is crazy?<br /><br />The "ordinary" sentence - there are logic problems lurking therein.<br /><br />I was confused where the stranger and the booth were. Across? In hers? Next to?<br /><br />The "Oh great" is a muted response. She's alone with a weird, aggressive man and a guy who might be dying. Thinking about a TV show? Not believable.Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.com