tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post7532818116838690356..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: #41 Valerie KempMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-34366501890156350622010-07-21T23:21:15.897-04:002010-07-21T23:21:15.897-04:00Thanks so much for the kind words and helpful comm...Thanks so much for the kind words and helpful comments!Valerie Kemphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05795714434618357955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69236346813073848022010-07-21T14:10:09.834-04:002010-07-21T14:10:09.834-04:00I really like the vivid imagery and the strong voi...I really like the vivid imagery and the strong voice in this passage. It’s very powerful without being melodramatic. The short paragraphs help build the suspense. My only criticism would be in the fifth paragraph where the construction of the descriptions with two clauses joined by a comma can be a little repetitive - it might be even more powerful to separate one or two of them into individual sentences to give them more punch. The last sentence is very effective. Since you haven’t submitted a query, I’m not sure where you’re going with this, but your genre description tells me where you’re headed. This is not my genre, but if I didn’t know that, I would definitely keep reading, since the opening is compelling and intriguing.Riley Carneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10555525091070117612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62402106487006960512010-07-20T20:24:32.166-04:002010-07-20T20:24:32.166-04:00I'm with Lisa Gail - chills on that last line!...I'm with Lisa Gail - chills on that last line! I really enjoy your voice - great set up!Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-42368098257147577112010-07-20T12:50:11.258-04:002010-07-20T12:50:11.258-04:00I got the chills reading the last line. What an a...I got the chills reading the last line. What an awesome ending to a first page! I have to say I enjoyed it and I enjoyed the device you used with separating the dramatic lines into their own paragraphs. Though, having said that, be careful only to use that or any device sparingly. I wish you'd put the query up because that's my genre and I'd love to know where you're going with it. Sorry I couldn't give you more to work with. Great job!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-40717890277842525762010-07-20T10:51:31.907-04:002010-07-20T10:51:31.907-04:00I'm biased, but I totally love this one.I'm biased, but I totally love this one.Lacey J Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17930985573303127061noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-66558943574856147302010-07-20T08:29:25.218-04:002010-07-20T08:29:25.218-04:00I kind of love it :) Great voice and flow.I kind of love it :) Great voice and flow.Kat Zhanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01047061040988353833noreply@blogger.com