tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post7434401317542652321..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - June Entry #2, Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-54515407931416376962011-06-21T22:12:21.043-04:002011-06-21T22:12:21.043-04:00Thanks as always, guys!
* runs back to the revisi...Thanks as always, guys!<br /><br />* runs back to the revision trenches *Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13544703229078531691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86919233619218825522011-06-21T16:12:49.673-04:002011-06-21T16:12:49.673-04:00Good revision and lots of helpful comments above. ...Good revision and lots of helpful comments above. I'd only like to emphasize what Martina said. The line"I should be screaming, I thought. Yelling my head off and making a scene." totally stopped me. I had no idea why she might even think that since at that point she had no idea who was under the sheet. She's tougher than that, or at least I think you want to make her tough. That seems to come through as we read. I'm also still bothered by "bricked out." I don't know what you mean. Why not use a more universally understood phrase? I do find the premise very intriguing and would like to read more.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-40011382114382606332011-06-20T22:34:04.424-04:002011-06-20T22:34:04.424-04:00Hi Feliza,
You had me this time, really had me, r...Hi Feliza,<br /><br />You had me this time, really had me, right up to the following:<br /><br />I don't know how long I sat there, holding my breath and waiting to find out that this was all just a false alarm.<br /><br />When the doors to the swimming complex swung open, the dread that had knotted inside my chest turned sharp. Two paramedics stepped out of the swimming complex wheeling a lumpy, sheet-covered gurney. Something black and lacy dribbled out from one side, like an oil slick.<br /><br />I should be screaming, I thought. Yelling my head off and making a scene.<br /><br />Why? I'm sorry, but I didn't buy any of that. She has no idea what happened, so it doesn't feel believable or authentic. You're not really giving us true interiosity either. Just physical reactions without solid motivation. <br /><br />You've taken our advice about making her care, without really stepping into her shoes. WHY does she care? What does she think has happened? What makes her think that? What is it in her past that makes her think and react this way?<br /><br />I'm not suggesting that you put all that on the page, but you certainly need to know. <br /><br />This story has so much potential. And the voice you've established at the beginning? LOVE IT! Fewer similes and metaphors might increase their impact, perhaps, as they come a bit hot and heavy, but they are truly lovely. Just be careful you aren't getting lost in the words instead of in the character and story. That's very easy to do when the words and rhythms come as easily as they appear to for you.<br /><br />You CAN do this, Feliza. Really get deep into her character for this next revision. Tell us what's making her tick and develop the story a little faster.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-12047728090533946782011-06-20T21:08:20.151-04:002011-06-20T21:08:20.151-04:00I read all three entries and I see how the third o...I read all three entries and I see how the third one tightened up nicely. Your writing shines through. I'm glad you kept in those little gems.<br /><br />Don't worry too much about the 'bricked' computer. Around here, we say 'pooched.' The reader will fill in the blanks.<br /><br />Just an observation – would the authorities use a sheet at this point, or one of those black zippered body bags? Maybe the lace could emerge from a gap in the zipper.<br /><br />The positioning of the scooter might need adjusting. She can't roll too closely if a 'plain' needs to be between her and the vehicles. Also, not too close to the entrance. Otherwise, she'd be able to read more of the coach's body language.<br /><br />Seeing herself as one of three objects from above pulls me out of her point of view.<br /><br />Now, the coach. If he is a person of interest further on in the book, maybe you could insert some body language. Is the coach hunched over in grief? Leaning casually against the doorway? Tense?<br /><br />"I should be screaming, I thought. Yelling my head off and making a scene." If you want the MC to be perceived as a tougher individual than most of her classmates, you might want to convey it like this: "I should be acting hysterical or something, like the girls do in the cafeteria, but I'm not like that."<br /><br />The relationship between the MC and Officer Ryan is interesting. Did they know each other before he became a full-fledged policeman? Maybe she could think of him by his first name, then correct herself, as if she has to remind herself that their relationship had changed over the past couple of years.<br /><br />I love the Bueller reference during the meeting. Heh. You did a great job of establishing the MC's standing amongst her peers. Involved, yet not committed.Sandra Cormierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00231342310371529022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-22852478647157169602011-06-19T14:18:42.185-04:002011-06-19T14:18:42.185-04:00The diffeence between your first entry and this re...The diffeence between your first entry and this revision is amazing. I like the few words you added about the relationship between Prudence (sorry,Mallory) and the officer. The news about who the drowning victim was fit perfectly just before the special assembly, as did the added info about the candel-light vigil and why Mallory stayed away. That highlights Mallory's ambivalent connection to the victim and shows, as well as tells, us that she feels disconnected with the school. Good job.Suzanne Luceronoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-28921600979967984512011-06-19T11:58:15.842-04:002011-06-19T11:58:15.842-04:00Nice revision. I like the way you moved the info a...Nice revision. I like the way you moved the info about the drowning to the end of the passage, it worked better for me there, and the addition of her avoidance of the candlelight vigil was nice. You have me curious what she did to Samantha and her relationship with the officer, which I assume is connected in some way. You say at the beginning: "coasting forward, maybe gunned it a little" But coast and gun don't really belong together. I kind of get what you're saying, but it should be worded differently. Also, I'm not much for description, but I wonder if this couldn't benefit from a little more to pull us into the world of Augustine. Just a few details go a long way, and should reflect what Prudence sees and how she feels.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com