tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post7245348411130756807..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages October Workshop - Entry #5Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50045879917778393852011-10-05T07:43:14.154-04:002011-10-05T07:43:14.154-04:00I actually enjoyed the intro, it sort of set up Ke...I actually enjoyed the intro, it sort of set up Ken Kim as a one-off for me.<br /><br />I love the voice, I felt I was there with the girls, it felt very natural. I'm not sure it's necessary to explain about BJ's name, I can see that being named after her grandmother ties in with her looking old, but had assumed that the protagonist was going to use the info to perhaps mock her in some way about her "old" name.<br /><br />I'm interested to see where this goes:)christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09333731893253823414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27366383379616144932011-10-04T00:24:09.304-04:002011-10-04T00:24:09.304-04:00I really loved the voice here too. You have a grea...I really loved the voice here too. You have a great ear for dialogue. It feels very authentic. In between, however, I felt like there was a lot of info that pulled me from the characters and the story. For example, telling us that B.J. is short for Betty Jean and she's named for her grandma. That really broke up the pacing for me. Other than that, I think the previous posters said a lot of what I was thinking. You've got a great start and I can't wait to see where this goes!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56157187170023590972011-10-03T23:28:19.739-04:002011-10-03T23:28:19.739-04:00Thanks, everyone, for your comments so far. I will...Thanks, everyone, for your comments so far. I will definitely accept the challenge to rework this with a different beginning.<br /><br />I know the afterlife thing has been done to death (pun intended), but this story came to me and wouldn't leave me alone. This is not the manuscript I had intended to write. However, the MC's voice popped into my head and wouldn't leave. So here goes another story on the afterlife. This one is somewhat of a cross between 90 Minutes In Heaven and The Five People You Meet In Heaven with a hint of Heaven Is For Real.<br /><br />All of your suggestions are great, and I look forward to the challenge of implementing them. So thanks again.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-3605447588681235802011-10-03T23:00:09.955-04:002011-10-03T23:00:09.955-04:00I liked the opening, probably because it establish...I liked the opening, probably because it establishes her quirky beginnings. I've just been studying Les Edgerton's 'Hooked,' and he says it's tricky to start with backstory (and usually shouldn't be done with only a few exceptions), but this one works because it's short and funny. My question is, is it necessary? I'm not sure. <br /><br />Anyway, the voice is great, and I was with her every step of the way. I could see it unfolding in my mind. Can't wait to see where it ends up. : )Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-82318082240973912652011-10-03T13:59:00.204-04:002011-10-03T13:59:00.204-04:00Hi Linda,
I love so much of the voice and attitud...Hi Linda,<br /><br />I love so much of the voice and attitude in this. So much! And I love the premise of a girl named Ken, and the idea that she is dead and still narrating (although that's been done many times, I get the sense this is very different, and that's great). <br /><br />My quibbles are more about choices. Frankly, the mother --who I love -- comes through stronger in this than the mc, and I wonder if you as the writer are relating to her more than you are relating to the mc. You do show her through a child's eyes well at times, but unfortunately, not always at the right times. For example, obviously, Ken wasn't there when she was born. Which brings up a paradox. How could she have seen the scene that clearly--unless that has something to do with her death. Unless that's the case though, I don't think you can successfully go here. Also, I'd usually hesitate to start a book with the mother instead of the mc because you might risk losing your audience.<br /><br />When we get into the second scene, you start off strong again. Then you take us back out of the linear story for a flashback. That's usually not a great idea this early in the book. Moreover, the mother steals the show again. Also, you might want to trust that we get the lipgloss thing a little faster. I do adore Ken's friend though. I can see her through her dialogue, so well done with that too.<br /><br />Overall, you've got something potentially brilliant here. I don't think you're starting in the right spot though. Can you try to figure what is different? What is your inciting incident? What's your story problem, that she is dead? Or is there something else? Is she trying to perform some task even though she is dead? Where are you going with this? Focus on that, and trust that we will go along for the ride. With your voice and sassy MC, we'll follow you.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-82585482016252690412011-10-03T13:05:42.184-04:002011-10-03T13:05:42.184-04:00We seem to have a theme going here today! Good wri...We seem to have a theme going here today! Good writing/voice but an unnecessary prologue. :D I also feel like it isn't necessary to put that info up front. Hook us with the story first. I LOVE the voice here, and really like the interaction between Ken and both her mother and friends. It shows us a lot. Great job. I'd just start with that.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-21577394637776930212011-10-03T12:35:17.023-04:002011-10-03T12:35:17.023-04:00I've gotta say the beginning had me hooked (th...I've gotta say the beginning had me hooked (the voice is fantastic!) right up until the last two sentences. It seems there are a lot of books out right now about the recently dead being interrupted before they can move on, I don't see where this story seperates itself from the others except for the voice. <br /><br />I'd take out the details aboutt the date, time and place. You can work that into the scene rather than just outright telling the reader up front (because most of the time it'll just be skimmed and forgotten). <br /><br />Be careful with the cliches, the bit with uglier than a catfish but finer than two foxes is confusing until the bit about old woman's face and Beyonce's body.<br /><br /><br />The teasing from BJ is spot on for how catty bullying girls can be, excellent job there.Steph Schmidthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00975939582442193113noreply@blogger.com