tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6907389014954088171..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: Pitch #12 Dawn MaloneMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-83663364705934464932010-09-15T22:45:20.249-04:002010-09-15T22:45:20.249-04:00Really like this pitch--but as mentioned not sure ...Really like this pitch--but as mentioned not sure about all the tree detail. I like the rhythm of the text, but unless it plays a big role in the book, I think it should be cut from the pitch. good luckstephnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-46987927740158742862010-09-15T17:52:59.375-04:002010-09-15T17:52:59.375-04:00Love the MC's name, love the premise, love the...Love the MC's name, love the premise, love the stakes! It's pretty refreshing to see a realistic pitch too.Vincent Kalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04625863843215035035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-29888014482530385132010-09-10T17:16:58.182-04:002010-09-10T17:16:58.182-04:00I do like your pitch! I agree it could be trimmed...I do like your pitch! I agree it could be trimmed a little more. In these cases the shorter, the better. I personally think leaving it there is fine because if it succeeds in gaining someone's curiosity then it's done it's job. You can go on in the letter to explain how he is helping the homeless boy. Nice.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-7464131876141743612010-09-09T18:45:20.725-04:002010-09-09T18:45:20.725-04:00This gives us a good idea of the obstacles Hobo fa...This gives us a good idea of the obstacles Hobo faces, but I'd like to see the quest mentioned at the end (cross-country trek.) Hobo's name adds flavor, but it also might be confusing in a logline, since you're talking about a homeless kid, too. This sounds like such a neat book! Best wishes!Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-12820822645610807362010-09-09T18:43:54.934-04:002010-09-09T18:43:54.934-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-52426097184643559552010-09-09T16:11:28.686-04:002010-09-09T16:11:28.686-04:00I'm going to disagree with everyone and say I ...I'm going to disagree with everyone and say I like the empty lot part. The reason being: a spruce tree on an empty lot is a much different atmosphere/visual/feeling than a spruce tree, say, in a forest or city park or factory - and while I can't say for sure without reading the book, I think that atmosphere is essential to your story.<br /><br />On the other hand, I don't think the downtown Darlington is necessary.Sarah N Fiskhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15336889385096937607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-30011642009338722962010-09-09T14:49:04.418-04:002010-09-09T14:49:04.418-04:00I like the spruce tree part (it's an instant v...I like the spruce tree part (it's an instant visual which is lovely for such a short pitch) but the empty lot is the part that I'd cut. (Reads Jessica's feedback.) Okay. So I'm useless. :DBethany C Morrowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12680443616002300791noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-41961495049551027732010-09-09T11:56:25.380-04:002010-09-09T11:56:25.380-04:00I like this pitch and its fresh/unique premise! I...I like this pitch and its fresh/unique premise! I agree with Monica regarding the second part--it's a little wordy. You might get more impact if you take out the "empty lot" part and put "a runaway living in a spruce tree in downtown Darlington." Just a thought--good job!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-2944441458701927302010-09-09T10:44:27.177-04:002010-09-09T10:44:27.177-04:00I like the stakes in this pitch!
I think maybe yo...I like the stakes in this pitch! <br />I think maybe you could trim a bit down the last part, and say something like: "..decides to help a runaway he finds living in a tree." because I don't' know how important it is that the tree is in an empty lot? Maybe you could use that word space to connect how this runaway affects his life? Just a suggestion. It just seemed to me that the first part was tight, while the second was a bit wordy. <br /><br />Good luck! :DAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00482654021641010175noreply@blogger.com