tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6864174055594740543..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages June Workshop - LevyMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-41080349105120234532012-06-06T14:02:27.941-04:002012-06-06T14:02:27.941-04:00I agree with starting with the hook of the early d...I agree with starting with the hook of the early death, and the rest of the comments. I am not supposed to be commenting this month, but I wanted to add a couple of quick points since this does have the potential to be very fresh. If you deepen the mystery and unbury the lead about the Cunningham's dying young, make sure that you make it clear why Cunningham manor seems to pass through the women or take away the ambiguity Also, since YA tends to be inherently self-focused more than adult lit, is your protag thinking ahead to her own death? THESE strike me as the hooks that would bring us into your story. That and simply adding immediacy to your descriptions. Put things where we encounter them, by having her interact with the environment instead of telling us about them.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-23456128107820041912012-06-05T17:54:08.981-04:002012-06-05T17:54:08.981-04:00I agree with the others. Show us her feelings, let...I agree with the others. Show us her feelings, let us see what she sees, feel what she feels. Use backstory sparingly since it almost always slows down the pacing. With backstory, I always ask myself if it's necessary for the reader to know right now. If not, I move it to where it is necessary. If it's never absolutely necessary, it gets deleted.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-77123879066507951842012-06-05T11:44:41.680-04:002012-06-05T11:44:41.680-04:00I think these are great comments, and could be boi...I think these are great comments, and could be boiled down to "show don't tell." You clearly have a great story here and some deep emotion to play with. Use them to bring us inside of your main character. Show everything to us through her eyes. That's what will turn this into a gripping, can't put it down kind of book. Don't say, there's a hole that can't be filled. Show us through your MC's behavior, thoughts, and actions. :D I can't wait to read the revision!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-59695484540530865472012-06-04T17:31:35.821-04:002012-06-04T17:31:35.821-04:00I agree with the other commenters; a story is here...I agree with the other commenters; a story is here but it's a bit buried. A wake can be a tough place to start a book, but showing her react to the house is a nice way to tie it in - given it's the name of the book, and I assume plays a large role given the genre. Whatever is the main plot of your story should be active here along with her greiving. I assume there is some sort of journey, mystery or something that happens current day in the house, which can be hinted at as she goes through it. <br /><br />You mention this as YA but the protag has already left for college. The publishing industry tends to be sticklers on YA being the range prior to college. Even if you're telling a story that happens in the past, if it's narrated by an adult it probably doesn't fit in YA. Now, having said that, I'm all for books about college aged characters. It just wouldn't be YA if you're looking to publish. <br /><br />As for the opening lines, I'm very intrigued that she'd prepared for her mother's death. I want to know why. It works to not say it right away, but I was looking for a hint of it shortly after. Was it cancer? Something mysterious? Why did she foresee her mother's early death? Dropping hints keep me intrigued. <br /><br />This line is such a great start: "There was now a gaping void deep down inside me that would never, ever be filled no matter how hard I might try."<br />I would challenge you to go deeper, rather than a phrase we've heard before (gaping void deep down inside) describe the void and what it feels like. As much as Stephenie Meyer gets dinged for bad writing, she wrote a great image of grief when Bella constantly wrapped her arms around herself because the hole inside her felt so real.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50887585684098151302012-06-04T17:25:38.127-04:002012-06-04T17:25:38.127-04:00It's very brave of you to post this for critiq...It's very brave of you to post this for critique. There were some stand out points and a lot of emotion, but this beginning didn't quite work for me. I suspect it's simply because you're beginning at the wrong place. <br /><br />To me, what do I get from this scene? A girl is sad because her mother died (of course she would be), she has some happy memories (expected), and there's some memories about a house (these get skimmed because I'm more interested in what's going on NOW), and something about how none of the women in their bloodline live beyond a certain age and that the MC knew her mother would die young her whole life (VERY INTRIGUING). <br /><br />I think this scene buries the interesting part, which is that little mystery. Everything else is sort of predictable. What captures attention and interest is the UNPREDICTABLE, which is the bloodlines thing. <br /><br />I think you could honestly start this with: "My mother was forty-nine years old [when she died]. Just three years shy of the longest living female in the Cunningham family bloodline." I think that would be a bitchin', hook opening. Then skip the entire rest of this, possibly even the whole wake scene, and go to where things start getting more unpredictable for the MC. I think your inciting incident (the point where something shakes up the situation, which will lead to the MC's journey) should happen in the first 5 pages, and her mother's death isn't it. She's known that was coming. What happens that starts things on the story path? What thing happens that she didn't expect? What CHANGES for her? If this is in the wake, skip all this part and start right before it happens. If it starts in a different scene, set us straight down into there. <br /><br />In general, because these pages are so important, I'd ask yourself what function you want the beginning to serve, what you want the readers to feel and experience, and then ask yourself if what you have is all serving that function or if you can trim away anything that isn't. <br /><br />(If you want to look more into inciting incidents/calls to adventure, I suggest HOOK by Les Edgerton or THE WRITER'S JOURNEY by Christopher Vogler)<br /><br />Best of luck!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-15737189074082696132012-06-04T16:25:57.995-04:002012-06-04T16:25:57.995-04:00Very sad stage for a story, and the fact that we o...Very sad stage for a story, and the fact that we open with a daughter grieving for her mother knowing all along she would die early is a great hook! I love that and immediately want to know more. I like that you don't give it to me either. You do a great job conveying the regret and love Fiona is feeling. I love her anger at the stair's placement, that she must endure being on display to people she does not care for or feel close to. This for me starts to build empathy toward her.<br /><br />But. <br /><br />The backstory of the house and moving here as a child is a huge interruption to the pace. I don't think this is the place for it here. I would pull it out and find another spot where it could go, and tighten it up so it 's not such a large drop into the past. <br /><br />I also think that the sad circumstances here are well wrought through the mood you create, but it doesn't quite sustain me. I need to see something more here happening other than the ritual of a wake...something surprising that the main character does or feels that is unexpected, because as far as a scene goes involving a wake, this is all very expected if you know what I mean. Another hook here is needed--a detail or something that suggest there is more happening here that it seems. <br /><br />I also think that by having Fiona do or say something unexpected, it will endear us to her a bit more. As a reader I sympathize with what she's going through, but I have not yet fully forged an empathetic link just yet. This will happen through her actions, through what sets her apart. She must command the scene in some way. Does this make sense? <br /><br />What does Fiona do here in these first 5 pages that gets the reader on her side? What makes her real to us, want to root for her, aside from sympathy at her grief? Don't let her go through this scene on autopilot, even though this may seem like it's how a person would really act. Fiona isn't just anyone--she's your main character. She must step out of what's expected and give us something more, something unique. :)<br />Hope this helps!<br /><br />AngelaAngela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86635634567019135392012-06-04T13:31:58.943-04:002012-06-04T13:31:58.943-04:00Okay, a couple of observations. I'm all for a ...Okay, a couple of observations. I'm all for a slow start, but I'd prefer to have an active scene set before we start remembering things that happened when the MC was seven. I think you're trying to use the setting back then to set it for now, because people are coming to the house for the wake, but it's not working for me. I'd much prefer the MC to walk around the house, touch a mirror and remember the first time she saw it. Go up the stairs and be flooded with the memories of coming to the manor for the first time. Etc.<br /><br />I also thought the beginning part about being prepared for her death was okay, but really, the interesting hook for the novel is this line: "My mother was forty-nine years old." And I'd ad "when she died." at the end and lead with that paragraph, because it establishes for the reader that this is a society that is a bit different than what we live in now. You know? <br /><br />A few paragraphs down you spend two entire paragraphs on the color of her room. I'd prefer to be IN her room when we see it for the first time. Have her smell the memories there. See the paint. Let us know it's blue, and be done. It almost sounds like she's justifying to everyone that "girls can like blue." And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take from it. She likes blue. Got it. You told me that in the first sentence. I'd prefer to be SHOWN it, and only once. <br /><br />Then we meet Miss Edvina. And she's old! I was not expecting that. I was under the impression that women died young. I know you said "Cunningham blood line" but only because I went back and re-read it. Not sure you have to do anything, but it might be worth noting. Like, does Fiona feel jealous that Edvina's lived so long? Does she wonder what her mother or grandmother might be doing with those extra years of their life? It might be worth a few sentences to inject some emotion into this piece--something I think it's lacking a bit of--using Edvina who's old, and her mother, who will never be old. Make sense? <br /><br />Something I've noticed with your pages: You say the same thing in a few different ways. Here's an example of what I mean. "The faces below were indecipherable from one another. I wouldn’t possibly remember any of their names today. I was usually really good with names and faces, but now it was all just one big blur. What I wouldn’t give for one friendly face."<br /><br />I feel like you've said something about their faces being indecipherable, then blurred, then unfriendly, and then how she usually remembers. It's overkill, and bores readers. <br /><br />I'd prefer you to find places like this, and trust the reader to understand what you mean from one instance. So I'd rewrite this to: "I was usually really good with names and faces, but now it was all just one big blur."<br /><br />And to insert some emotion, it might make sense to rewrite it to: "I was usually really good with names and faces, but that was when my mother still lived in this world. Now everything was one big blur." Adding the mother really makes it seem as if everyday things--like recognizing people--are impossible without her. But you don't HAVE TO SAY EXACTLY THAT. You imply it in the flow of the writing, and let the emotion seep onto the page on it's own. Readers will take from it based on their experiences, and they'll be with you until the end if you let it seep instead of blurt it out. Hope that makes sense. <br /><br />In the paragraph after that, there's 4 mentions of recognition or of not remembering a name. Too much, IMO. I'd edit for flow and clarity, but also not bang the reader over the head with it.<br /><br />Overall, I want the sadness to seep from the pages. Blur everything. Make it harder to breathe. As it's written, I feel like I should feel sad because you TOLD ME TO, but I don't really feel it. You know?Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91780254093502298782012-06-04T13:11:35.663-04:002012-06-04T13:11:35.663-04:00Great entry, Michelle! You have some great descrip...Great entry, Michelle! You have some great description and atmosphere!! What I think :)<br />Setting: I didn't feel grounded in a time or place with the first couple of paragraphs. That's an easy fix! Consider bleding memories into the action and movement.<br />Character: At times Fiona seems to be not crying, then remembering crying or being sad. Let us see who she is now and her reaction to the wake, to seeing her mother in a coffin, which is a powerful image and thought.<br />Voice: At times there is an older form of prose and line of thought, and others it seems more contemporary, young adult. Perhaps go through and look at a few phrases, and see what you think, and decide what style of voice you were going for.<br />I think you have a great start with just a few things to work on : ) Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14880384304772600222noreply@blogger.com