tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6776747332161231624..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Ramirez Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9960851552584236942012-09-21T08:44:58.088-04:002012-09-21T08:44:58.088-04:00I'm posting this for Nancy, chica! She couldn&...I'm posting this for Nancy, chica! She couldn't get blogger to behave nicely last night. Why is it that it so rarely plays well with others any more?<br /><br />1. Wow, this really popped! The way I read the little girl's part in this situation was that she was keeping Vato occupied while the other vandal did the vandalizing. Whatever you choose to do with that, I liked that Vato knew he had to prove himself but he loves to eat so much that he's willing to risk his security for it. <br /><br />I love your cadence and your word choices. (I"m going to be a book festival this Saturday and Gary Soto is going to be there! I AM SO EXCITED!) Watch run-on sentences; anytime you have two full sentences, you need to either make two sentences out of them with a period and a capital letter, or a comma plus "and", or use a semicolon. That's a nitpick but I was mentally fixing the runons so I'd suggest you take a look at that.<br /><br />It was my impression that "Carnal" was a word in Spanish like "You barbarian," and that it was Patton who was speaking. <br /><br />I really liked what Martina had to say about deepening your POV. I like Vato so much that I'd love to be even closer to him in his head!<br /><br />Great job. This really sings!<br /><br />--Nancy<br />Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-83374206043964601532012-09-21T08:38:58.770-04:002012-09-21T08:38:58.770-04:00I really like the new beginning too. It adds tensi...I really like the new beginning too. It adds tension. Though now that everything else is reading so smoothly, it brings out one more small issue: I think you need to make the reason better than simply a "loud noise" in the chicken coop for Vato to suspect coyotes. Maybe say that the chickens are supposed to be elsewhere this time of day... wait, that doesn't work either, if the chickens aren't in the coop then why would the coyotes be sneaking in there? <br /><br />One part that threw me was the "Carnal!" because this also has a meaning in English that doesn't fit at all. <br /><br />I loved the chili on carne line, that's new isn't it? And the mention of Patton sooner. Very well done. Margo Berendsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-66626674778769144042012-09-20T23:31:23.347-04:002012-09-20T23:31:23.347-04:00Love what you've done with this. The new begi...Love what you've done with this. The new beginning brings me right in. Love your voice and also how you're able to mix the Spanish with English without it coming across as not genuine. **I know this can be tricky. As a former bilingual teacher I still shutter over some books that you can tell the voice isn't right. Yours though continues to have that Gary Soto flavor that I love!<br /><br />I agree with the other comments. I'd like to see you dig deeper with Vato and show what he wants. I'm getting he wants to be the brave guard dog but is showing some vulerabilities. I suggest you go even deeper and show us this.<br /><br />I'm still not really getting how the chicken plays into this. Why does Vato tease her? Is there a hidden meaning there? <br /><br />Great job and I can't wait to see where you take this!Kim Baccelliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05304806976633973536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-70994499598867296942012-09-20T21:43:36.798-04:002012-09-20T21:43:36.798-04:00Hi Cecilia,
I love the question about the girl...Hi Cecilia,<br /><br />I love the question about the girl's role: is she the vandal or isn't she? That immediately makes me want to keep reading, and I think that it brings up a sense that the reader is smarter than Vato, but that he is going to be an interesting trainwreck to watch. I love that kind of story, but it is definitely a choice that you need to make.<br /><br />This has come a long way, and you've definitely brought out your strengths: that wonderful voice, and an engaging, kid-friendly situation.<br /><br />As far as next steps go, I wonder if bringing the coyotes into the story here muddles things? Would he still be thinking about looking for the vandal so that he might think it's the vandal in the chicken coop?<br /><br />As a nitpick, make it clearer that the girl is throwing the tamale.<br /><br />And finally, in general, read through every sentence for clarity as well as voice. In a story like this where you are juggling to set up a lot of strong characterizations and plot situations and fantasy elements all at the same time, it is easy for both the author and the reader to lose themselves in what seems to be on the page, but isn't, or what comes across unintentionally. The last comment is a great example. The tamale is another. Make sure, especially, that your motivation/response units are easy to follow.<br /><br />Here's another example:<br /><br />"A horrified shriek shook Tiny’s nest and she buried her face in her wings."<br /><br />Whose shriek? And did it really shake the nest? The waa you have this structured, it doesn't seem that the shriek is Tiny's.<br /><br />And one last thing, see where you can deepend the POV through direct internal thought. For example:<br /><br /><br />When he was satisfied he had scared the chicken down to her gizzards, he sauntered away. <br /><br />You could make it all more vivid here by going deeper into the POV:<br /><br />Good. He'd scared the little pollito down to her gizzards. Vato puffed out his chest and trotted away. The chicken should be afraid of him. Make fun of him would she? Not anymore. From now on, she would be terrified, just like the vandal should be terrified, because he was a mucho macho watchdog. <br /><br />Or whatever -- pardon the liberty with the example, just wanted to make you think. You can do this far better than my lame attempt!<br /><br />Lovely revision. You are getting really, really close! Bring it home in this next one :)<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-19439164828999838682012-09-20T15:33:22.013-04:002012-09-20T15:33:22.013-04:00I think either beginning will work depending on wh...I think either beginning will work depending on what you have planned. This one definitely builds more suspense than the earlier one. I don't think the readers know the girl is the vandal here, but it does give them something to think about.<br /><br />This confused me a bit:<br /><br />“That wasn’t very nice, Vato,” a gravelly voice said from beneath a bougainvillea shrub. A silvery Labrador raised his head. “You shouldn’t have scared her.”<br /><br />If I'm right, two dogs are speaking here. Give each their own paragraph and let us know which one has the gravelly voice.<br /><br />If there is only one dog, then where does the other dog come from?<br /><br />I really like the last sentence as it sets up the idea that Vato may be glad to have a chicken for a friend later in the story.<br /><br />Good job.ccarpinellohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15082365571251151043noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48440662159011484422012-09-20T02:08:24.965-04:002012-09-20T02:08:24.965-04:00Hi Moonduster! Thank you for your comments. I want...Hi Moonduster! Thank you for your comments. I wanted to try something different in the beginning. I wanted the reader to know (or suspect) that the girl is the vandal before Vato did as opposed to not knowing until he finds out, which is what I had set up in the other version. I still haven't decided what I like best for obvious reasons. Do I want the reader to know more than Vato from the very beginning or find out as they read? Cecilia (Cici) Ramirez https://www.blogger.com/profile/00890243036035212056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69684460878531186352012-09-19T15:44:35.395-04:002012-09-19T15:44:35.395-04:00This has gone from strength to strength. the conve...This has gone from strength to strength. the conversation with Carnal is clearer this time.<br /><br />I'm not sure if I preferred the way it began before or the way it begins now. I think it depends on the girl's role in this. (This new writing of the first few paragraphs implies that the girl might be the one doing the vandalizing. The original first few paragraphs does not make anything like that come to mind.)Becky Fyfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01595020500346331076noreply@blogger.com