tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6562468508480743659..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: #43 Angela AckermanMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48790678784612569892010-07-23T01:49:08.361-04:002010-07-23T01:49:08.361-04:00Thank you all for the kind words and feedback. I r...Thank you all for the kind words and feedback. I really appreciate a clean look at this as it's hard to be objective when you've started at, tweaked and word-wrestled for so long. <br /><br />All the best,<br /><br />Angela @ The Bookshelf MuseAngela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-84878336221742721482010-07-21T14:14:37.267-04:002010-07-21T14:14:37.267-04:00You do an excellent job in the first paragraph of ...You do an excellent job in the first paragraph of conveying the situation and Sabrina’s emotions without over-describing. You give a very clear idea of the Sabrina’s voice and the obvious dread and frustration that she feels. It feels very genuine and relatable, and I think that it captures the teen persona very well. There’s even a nice touch of sarcasm, without taking it too far and making her unlikeable. The exchange between Sabrina and her mom feels very natural. I think that your descriptions are evocative, but at some points they can be little confusing, like when you refer to the stench rising form the carpet and her “granite-stiff” stomach. This passage is intriguing and compelling, I felt an immediate connection with Sabrina, and I’m very interested in her story. Nice job!<br /><br />The first half of your query is a little confusing and convoluted. I feel like you’re trying to pack too much information on each sentence. I think that if you simplify the descriptions into shorter sentences and infuse it with your great teen the voice from your passage, you could have a very strong query, as well.Riley Carneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10555525091070117612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56974536008327817062010-07-20T12:39:19.775-04:002010-07-20T12:39:19.775-04:00Okay, first off, I really enjoyed reading this. I...Okay, first off, I really enjoyed reading this. I loved the voice. Wonderful job. My biggest issue (which really isn't all that big) is with the transition to the second paragraph. I felt that jarring associated with switching tense. Now, I understand the first paragraph is about what's already happened but a simple fix like, this is karma and I HAVE it coming would solve the whole thing. One little word. How do you like that for an in depth critique?? :) Use that great teen voice of yours to find a better and more age appropriate way to say that baggage line in the query... GOOD LUCK!!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9633906418250975292010-07-20T11:52:06.938-04:002010-07-20T11:52:06.938-04:00I was intrigued by the setting here from the get g...I was intrigued by the setting here from the get go, and now I find out it's a murder mystery! Awesome. Besides the unique setting, you have given us hints at a character we will feel for and be rooting for (she wants to start over, her parents are divorced, new school, etc). The tension of a murder mystery, the MC's inner conflict, I would pick this up in a flash.<br /><br />One small thing stood out for me on the query, and that was the line about carrying around baggage. That sounded cliche to me and you could probably think of a fresher way to write that sentence. But other than that, I agree with L.J., this is great.Sheila JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15371582292020275894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-14128599152307756482010-07-20T10:53:59.909-04:002010-07-20T10:53:59.909-04:00This is one of my favorites. I think the query is ...This is one of my favorites. I think the query is stellar! And I LOVE the voice and pace and I think it sounds very unique. Can't wait to read it someday (soon).<br /><br />Wish I could be more constructive, but I can't. I think it's great.Lacey J Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17930985573303127061noreply@blogger.com