tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post6113341983590915323..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages October Workshop - MarshallMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-58224981119321891922012-10-11T20:50:36.051-04:002012-10-11T20:50:36.051-04:00Hi Laura,
This is such an important topic, and on...Hi Laura,<br /><br />This is such an important topic, and one that all too many teens have to contend with, either through personal suicidal ideation or through knowing someone who has committed or is contemplating suicide. But one of the hard things about treating suicide is that each story is deeply personal. I'd love to know specificially what has led to her decision. I can understand wanting to start with the deeply dramatic revelation, but there are ways to do that with an excerpt, a prologue, a ticking clock chapter heading (72 hours from end of life, 48 hours before my suicide), etc. while still giving us the chance to understand why she would be making this decision and giving us a chance to care about her as a person and not just as someone making a generic tragic mistake. Even better, it would be wonderful to feel her inevitability, her sense that she has no other choice. To see it, not just have her tell us things. Set up scenes that particularly illustrate why her life is not worth living. Does that make any sense?<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing this. It's fascinating and so important.<br /><br />Best,<br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-37656206728456736652012-10-11T11:12:25.434-04:002012-10-11T11:12:25.434-04:00One thing screamed out to me while reading this .....One thing screamed out to me while reading this .... I find you have way too many pronouns (her). I lost count after the first two paragraphs. <br /><br />Also found it a bit passive at times. <br /><br />The paragraph with the "School was the same ..." was a bit repetitive for my taste.<br />Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-5405868097284419012012-10-11T11:10:18.248-04:002012-10-11T11:10:18.248-04:00Overall, this is a story that I’m sure is going to...Overall, this is a story that I’m sure is going to really resonate with teens. The topic of suicide is such a hard one to touch, and you’ve done a great job stepping into the mind of this tormented girl and introducing us to her life.<br /><br />A couple things I want to point out. <br />As a reader we are hoping to really care about the main character, but because so much of the piece is “told” to us rather than “shown,” I believe we are missing our opportunity to care. We are told how she feels. We are told what she is going to do. We are told pretty much everything. Consider stepping back and asking yourself how you could show a couple of these things instead. And this isn’t always the case, but think about dialogue. The piece has almost no dialogue which is many cases means, that we aren’t seeing anything but being told by the narrator what is going on. <br />This is a minor thing, but I also didn’t get that Claire was needy. She seems very upbeat and not someone who is depending on Stacy for her happiness. So why does Stacy think Claire is needing her?<br />One way to show more is to think of a certain incident and starting there. Perhaps the sleepover with Rachel. Can we see them interact? See the hope in Stacy get dashed rather than starting out with all hope gone. This will truly make us care for her. If we feel more for her, we will want to read on to find out what happens to her.<br /><br />Good luck with the revisions! I’ll look forward to hearing more about Stacy next week! <br />PJ Hooverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02602205868934777662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86090150870874936472012-10-10T22:17:09.200-04:002012-10-10T22:17:09.200-04:00I tend to agree with everyone else so far. Her des...I tend to agree with everyone else so far. Her despair is a bit heavy and I don't feel that attachment to her as I would like. Why is she so depressed? <br /><br />I'm curious about these things that have gone wrong. What are they? "During that week, she had determined she was going to feel better, about herself, about life, and all the things that had gone terribly wrong" <br /><br />When she mentions she doesn't want to think about her mother, why? What happened with her mother? <br /><br />Also, I got really confused with Rachel. Rachel was a friend of hers before Stacy and Bobby dated, right? Then you mention that her dad is too busy with Rachel in his life. Is her dad dating her friend? More clarity here might help. <br /><br />Watch when you write Stacy, there are a couple of instances where you spell it Stacey and then Stacy in the same paragraph. I get it, I did that before I pinned down the exact spelling of one of my own characters. It happens. lolHeather Helenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08800781359655373969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50725400297945112252012-10-10T15:24:11.890-04:002012-10-10T15:24:11.890-04:00I feel the despair. It wasn't clear to me at f...I feel the despair. It wasn't clear to me at first that this was a suicide situation though. I'd like to see more interaction with her and the world during this day. I want to get her depression less through internal thoughts, which can annoy a reader who doesn't understand/hasn't felt that before as giving up, and more through her actions/interactions. Right now, it doesn't feel like much of a plot. I feel bad for her, but don't feel like I know her. I want to be attached to her first so I can be truly upset when she decides to give up. Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86065543762895657132012-10-09T21:24:44.363-04:002012-10-09T21:24:44.363-04:00I think the thing that gets me most is the opening...I think the thing that gets me most is the opening. If Stacy is giving up, why shouldn't I as a reader? You emphasize her sadness and her lack of hope through the rest of the pages. I don't know if this would work with what you have planned, but maybe consider starting with something else? Otherwise, nice job with the emotion!<br /><br />-HeleneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-19984740940057191982012-10-09T13:47:24.962-04:002012-10-09T13:47:24.962-04:00Laura-This is quite interesting. I love the emotio...Laura-This is quite interesting. I love the emotion you're putting into it, but I do think you could skip out some of it so it doesn't seem 'too heavy, too soon'. You mentioned a troubled relationship with the father, which is great because it can add more to the story and possibly some growth. I want to see why her goal is to die by her birthday.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-51370052457344216522012-10-08T12:20:08.388-04:002012-10-08T12:20:08.388-04:00Stacy's despair permeates the lines, and her r...Stacy's despair permeates the lines, and her resolve. why wait until her birthday, we wonder?christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09333731893253823414noreply@blogger.com