tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post5815833170343327211..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages February Workshop - Mezher Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-23146714694146334822012-02-22T16:38:57.898-05:002012-02-22T16:38:57.898-05:00I'm not sure I agree about cutting back what y...I'm not sure I agree about cutting back what you have, but I do agree that you can make a few of your sentences really express the character in addition to describing the scene by changing up your verbs a little. <br /><br />I also think a small exchange with Tor would be nice, but try to keep it sharp, meaningful. You're talking about survival, so even if all they're actually saying is 'have a good day,' try to twist the words so that they have a deeper, more desperate meaning. Does that make sense? I'm not saying I know how to accomplish this by any means, but as a reader, it would really grip me if I could feel a deeper message under a mundane exchange. <br /><br />Hope this helps!M.E. Summerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15721635796108451198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-14322742213256438982012-02-22T10:28:43.661-05:002012-02-22T10:28:43.661-05:00Hi again,
I think that the interaction with the b...Hi again,<br /><br />I think that the interaction with the brother works a lot better now. I agree with Lisa, however, that she should probably say something (or at least start to say something and then get interrupted by the bell).<br /><br />Other than that, I think my main suggestion would be to cut back on some of the heavy, general internal thoughts about the society. I even might suggest cutting back the first paragraph, so it is just the first sentence (Survival is the substance of Pangaea.) going directly into the next paragraph.<br /><br />And I'd cut those types of sentences in a few other places, too, (maybe: Knowing the future, having one is the utmost luxury, and Reeling me home while holding me prisoner to a lifetime of unfulfilled dreams) because even though they are beautiful, it feel like too much. I know things are really hard for her, but it with all of internal monologue like this it's kind of bordering on depressed (which is probably a very accurate emotion for such a situation, but not one that necessarily compels people to keep reading.)<br /><br />This is really strong already, of course, but I think trimming a little would amp it up even more.Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-18654111924383476632012-02-22T09:58:13.382-05:002012-02-22T09:58:13.382-05:00Hi Helene,
This is lovely, and while I agree with...Hi Helene,<br /><br />This is lovely, and while I agree with Lisa about her needing to pass on something pertinent to her brother, I think you are now starting in the right place. To expand on what Lisa said, it would be nice to boil down something into kidspeak for the brother to say and her to pass on to. Is he worried about her getting caught? Is he exilerated by the thought of the danger? Does he think it should be his job to go? A line of dialogue would solidify his character, and her response would solidify hers.<br /><br />Similarly, while I think your opening paragraph contains the right thoughts, and the words and especially the cadence are lovely, I'm not sure that the way you express the thought is infused with enough of a distinct point of view. As such, it comes out as "telling" without giving insight to the character. In other words, it feels a bit like the author providing information as opposed to the mc taking us by the hand and letting us walk with her in her shoes. The same thing applies throughout the piece. There is nothing *wrong* -- it's perfectly lovely as it is. But you can do more, I can feel it in you. You can coax more out of every sentence, make it do double duty, triple duty, and then we won't feel removed from the piece. As it is, we are on the outside looking in. Again, there's nothing wrong, so take the advice or leave it--it's your manuscript. But I do feel like there's another level in you, and in your mc, that you haven't quite shown us yet.<br />Dig deeper.<br /><br />Here are some examples:<br /><br />Out in the open, too many eyes find me, the Standard who does not fit with the granite columns and carpeted floors. <br />(Great opportunity to show us how specifically the "eyes" see the Standard that doesn't fit, and how she feels about their viewpoint and her circumstances. A few words would do it.)<br /><br /><br />Sucking in my breath, I continue my exit. <br /><br />(A stronger verb that demonstrates her reaction to the above internalization. Does she creep, scuttle, stalk?)<br /><br /><br />The cache of food rubs against my belly, chanting not enough, not nearly enough, and I have no answer. Among these delicacies, there is nothing for me.<br /><br />(YES! This is her voice. But specifically what delicacies? Also WHY is there nothing for her?)<br /><br /><br />Okay, now go ahead and hit me. I know you want to. :D<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing what you can really do!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91653245960013642842012-02-21T19:32:45.838-05:002012-02-21T19:32:45.838-05:00While I like the nonverbal interaction with her br...While I like the nonverbal interaction with her brother, it seems odd that she pulls him over like that when she didn't actually intend to say anything. I don't want to drive you nuts with this, but perhaps she can be saying something mundane, but he sees through to her need and hugs her? Just a thought. Well done otherwise. I find myself very concerned about her where you leave off.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com