tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post5746259008141358748..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Pruitt-GoddardMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78942087090631184272012-08-09T23:13:02.239-04:002012-08-09T23:13:02.239-04:00I think that I would rather not know specifically ...I think that I would rather not know specifically what the bracelet does until someone else is arrested and taken from the classroom. She could still communicate that she is nervous about the blinking yellow light. The dopamine explanation doesn't seem like something she would be thinking to herself. <br /><br />I agree with previous comments about the details in the action before the classroom. Unless the keys are going to be imminently crucial to the plot, you could leave those descriptions out until later. Likewise, she throws out there that her brother died, but it does seem like a throwaway statement about something that clearly hurt her. I don't know if that is the best place to reveal that information.<br /><br />Some descriptors are confusing. Why are the students frantic? Why is the classroom secluded? <br /><br />And the "whatever I do, I must not feel desire" seems unnecessary to me. You've communicated the danger of feeling in many places already. Let our understanding of the bracelets, the police, the danger, etc. grow more organically through the events instead of her thoughts. <br /><br />Very interesting!jkwise1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80656674244054559752012-08-09T16:22:09.081-04:002012-08-09T16:22:09.081-04:00This opening starts off strong, with a clear sense...This opening starts off strong, with a clear sense of both the main character and a strong hint of what I assume is the central issue in this world; however, I feel that it bogs down as it starts walking us through the steps of every motion Rhiley and JM are taking. We don’t really need to know that he puts her house key on the table, that she puts her hair in a bun, that she puts her books into her bag, that he sits on the couch, etc. etc. Of course, we need to know SOME of these things, but the way it’s laid out here it seems a bit too much like a list of actions rather than a coherent scene.<br /><br />(Having read the previous comments, I agree with Martina that just starting at the classroom door might help a lot - or at least starting with her and JM walking down the hall to her classroom and then he leaves her at the door. Definitely worth trying!)<br /><br />Everything else comes together pretty well. I’ve got to admit that the instantaneous-attraction-to-a-gorgeous-stranger trope isn’t my thing, but hey, it seems to work well in a lot of books, so go for it. :) I also don’t find it entirely convincing that everyone would go calmly on with their work after the scene with the girl being arrested, especially since her fighting back apparently wasn’t part of the standard plan, but it may be that you have their reactions after the cut.<br /><br />I also agree with Martina that kids would be watching each others' bracelets as well as their own. Wow, that would make flirting difficult... ;) That said, I don't agree that you necessarily need to name the police officers, bracelets, etc., or that we need an official version of what's going on just yet. As a reader, it's pretty clear to me what's going on and how it affects the mc, so I don't feel that I need to know about the greater world around her just yet... at least, not until she starts going out into it herself.<br /><br />Again, great concept and great start - I'm looking forward to reading the rewriteLeah Cypesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11123736070369470635noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-3945529909538298002012-08-08T17:29:22.295-04:002012-08-08T17:29:22.295-04:00One more thing. To clarify, conflict doesn't h...One more thing. To clarify, conflict doesn't have to be between Character A and Character B. It could be between what Character A wants, or what she thinks she wants. Or between what Character A wants and what she needs. It can be virtually anything, so long as there is a question about which one will win out.Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-21020114428911417252012-08-08T17:26:38.683-04:002012-08-08T17:26:38.683-04:00Candyce, I meant that I think you're starting ...Candyce, I meant that I think you're starting in the wrong spot. Instead of trimming that first scene down, try (at least as an experiment) to cut that scene altogether. If you start at the classroom door, I think you will be in better shape. It's hard to make everyday acts interesting, and that's basically what's going in your first scene. They're moving from one place to the other, but there's no tension between them to let you build that as a scene. There's the little bit with the bracelet, but that's not different *to her* or *for her.* I like to think of the scenes in terms of conflict. Character A wants one thing, and Character B wants something that will either further or hinder what Character A wants, either for a reason that A knows and agrees with, or a reason that will eventually bite A in the a$$. Perhaps part of the problem with your first scene is that you've tried to put that conflict in by emphasizing that your mc feels hurried and that JM doesn't -- which causes stress for your mc. The inherent problem with this is that it casts your mc's judgment into doubt. If there is real danger, then JM would be aware of it. If there is a reason that your mc is in danger, then we would need to know that and know why JM is unaware of it. THAT could provide the tension to fuel this scene, provided that you cut out the nonessential movements. <br /><br />Three more thoughts. <br /><br />1) Your second scene builds nicely to a scene climax, but your first scene begins with your highest point of tension and drops from there. That may be part of the problem. <br /><br />2) Your opening sentence reads as if the government has released the lock on her front door by remote control, which is VERY cool, and that she has a certain amount of time to get to wherever she is supposed to be. But then your subsequent paragraphs contradict that impression and we realize the door was opened by JM. Or at least, that's how I understood it, which was a letdown and fueled my impression that the subsequent action wasn't very interesting. Then the next scene was great again. <br /><br />3) You need to provide names for your government officials and the police and so forth. Names that tell us what they are. Even better if we get the official version AND what different people think of them. This is the kind of worldbuilding that needs to start happening up front, and you gave us that with the Desiderium. Name the bracelet, too. Are kids aware of each other's bracelets? Do they watch them for reaction as they speak, how does this color what people say to each other and how they act in everyday situations? In unusual situations?<br /><br />Just some things to consider :) Hope this helps.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />M.Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-32057524805467858642012-08-08T12:12:20.490-04:002012-08-08T12:12:20.490-04:00Thank you for the excellent advice, Martina. I'...Thank you for the excellent advice, Martina. I'll have to play around with the sequencing of my scenes, and see if I can trim down some of what is now the opening scene. And I will definitely try to make my dialogue tags and actions more interesting/character/world specific. <br /><br />I just have one question though. When you say "the scene structure isn't ideal for your story," are you referring to the use of "as" and non-specific dialogue tags? Or something else? I just want to make sure before I set to work on the revisions.<br /><br />Thanks again!The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9956267767282158382012-08-08T12:06:33.283-04:002012-08-08T12:06:33.283-04:00Thanks for pointing out the radio thing, Tim. Defi...Thanks for pointing out the radio thing, Tim. Definitely should have been an "and" there. :)The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43749038149971701172012-08-08T09:40:21.959-04:002012-08-08T09:40:21.959-04:00Hi Candyce,
This is an intriguing dystopian premi...Hi Candyce,<br /><br />This is an intriguing dystopian premise. I love the idea of the desiderium and the way that you show us the bracelet working. You do a great job incorporating sensory details, and there are hints of cool worldbuilding. There's a LOT to like in here, but I think you could easily pick up the pace and the tension by changing the structure somewhat. Consider eliminating what is essentially a static first scene and starting at the classroom door. Your classroom scene is so powerful that the reader is well and truly hooked, and you can trust us to come along with you as you give us a little bit more background while you describe the government types and why they are there, and give us a deeper glimpse into the effect of the arrest on the other kids and on your mc. I love that you have her glancing at her own bracelet when the men in black come in, and if we start there, then see *see* the results of violation with the other girl's arrest, then see something about the arrest prompt her to another illicit pulse of desire that she has to struggle to control, we are going to be right there with her and you have time (and room) to weave in the grounding details that we need and show us the reactions of the other kids and the teacher more fully to establish your worldbuilding.<br /><br />Others have pointed out your writing quirk (I happen to struggle with the same one, so I sympathize) of describing simultaneous action using "as" to link them. The problem there is a little deeper than just the sentence construction though. Many of the places where you use "as" point to action that isn't necessary because it's too basic. One of the best tips anyone ever gave me is to think of action and dialogue cues the same way as dialogue or anything else--don't show it unless it's interesting. In other words, make sure that dialogue cues and bits of business advance plot, show emotion, delineate character, or contribute to specific world building--or preferably more than one of these at a time. Since much of the action in your first scene could take place anywhere, between any characters, the scene structure isn't ideal for your story. <br /><br />Looking forward to reading more,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86851858344615811492012-08-07T12:23:47.807-04:002012-08-07T12:23:47.807-04:00I looked up dopamine to remind me what it is and d...I looked up dopamine to remind me what it is and does, but you make it clear what is being monitored. Geez, suppressing desire is mean!<br />I do like the bracelet blinking yellow so early on. It lets us know what this is about quickly. Presumably, it also suggests there might be more between JM and Rhiley. If so, it is subsequently well controlled. For all the shoving, chuckling and smiling between the two, his bracelet doesn’t flash. <br />His car whispers to life as he flicks on the radio. If I was picky I might say that my radio comes on when I turn the ignition to start the car rather than the other way round.<br />Interesting.Timhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01878752949268111927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86260283613642876272012-08-06T21:18:48.164-04:002012-08-06T21:18:48.164-04:00I feel a little sorry that you haven't receive...I feel a little sorry that you haven't received any comments yet.<br /><br />I find the premise intriguing. Although the first few pages started off without conflict, you ended it at a chilling scene. A girl being tasered and arrested for having an excess of dopamine? That's your setting's establishing moment. <br /><br />Focus on it, and use it as a hook. Maybe even try writing your hook so it starts when Rhiley is in the classroom.<br /><br />Now, about the logistics of your premise, I'm don't know whatever if you did your research or not. A quick Google search shows that low dopamine affects motor control and attention span. But you probably put it at a level where it only affects desire--and only have some stray signs of side effects.<br /><br />You slip your exposition in right now with passing details. Besides the moment with Samantha Jones, it's not exceptional, but I love the implication that there's a large drop-out rate due to dismotivation.<br /><br />One little nitpick: With your dialogue tags, you have the tendency to use the construction "[subject] says as [subject] [does action]". It's not too excessive, but I would think of changing a couple of cases for the sake of variety.chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.com