tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post5246643111813591261..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages July Workshop - Cook-Raymond Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48997830976570778342012-10-23T02:00:52.514-04:002012-10-23T02:00:52.514-04:00Thanks for hosting this contest! Can't wait to...Thanks for hosting this contest! Can't wait to read these.cheap prom dresseshttp://www.promstreet.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27559863039440337832012-07-20T12:41:31.443-04:002012-07-20T12:41:31.443-04:00Sarah -
You have done a great job of catching the...Sarah -<br /><br />You have done a great job of catching the personalities of each of these characters in very few words which is AWESOME! You see there flaws and their strengths and get a great sense of who they are. I like this much better than the first.<br /><br />A couple of things that pull me out of the story a bit - I know you have very little time to build this relationship with the father and you want to show Toby's love for him but it is almost too much adoration to make Toby believable as a cynical teen (which I am assuming is the case because he views everything else so critically). I think it's possible for him to be a little flip towards his father but still show some love there. Nope, not going to be easy in so few pages, but you're a good writer and I know you can find a way. <br /><br />One other thing - and this is just me passing on what I have been told in my critique groups - starting a scene with someone walking up and having someone look in a mirror to describe their looks is sometimes viewed as "an easy way out" (my critique groups words not mine honest! I've done both things in my writing!). Not saying "OMG you must change it the rules says so!" because I think it works here but it seems to be a polarizing subject where, even though it may work well, people love it or hate it.Shelley Koonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14593426180496597520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-38309326003670383712012-07-17T23:17:38.216-04:002012-07-17T23:17:38.216-04:00I love how your revisions have me feeling about To...I love how your revisions have me feeling about Toby. Before, he was a little hard to connect to~ hardened and defensive for good reason, of course, but not quite as likeable. Now I'm more inclined to really want to spend time with his character. Love the relationship between him and his sister :)<br /><br />I really enjoy little details you put in~ the fact that Toby knows his dad has already read a bunch of papers and notices that he's on his second pot of coffee already--both small things, but they show a lot about the dad's character. I agree with Becca about the switches--I think you could start with Toby stumbling into the breakfast area without losing much. <br /><br />Great job!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-33992511644304628762012-07-17T17:25:15.573-04:002012-07-17T17:25:15.573-04:00Thanks guys, all helpful edits. I did have a secti...Thanks guys, all helpful edits. I did have a section break but somewhere between my Word doc and my email that must have been lost.SCRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10693280919426091466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-71996883436934358682012-07-17T17:25:00.833-04:002012-07-17T17:25:00.833-04:00Thanks guys, all helpful edits. I did have a secti...Thanks guys, all helpful edits. I did have a section break but somewhere between my Word doc and my email that must have been lost.SCRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10693280919426091466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-88524996191000651732012-07-17T13:51:31.321-04:002012-07-17T13:51:31.321-04:00This is a much better beginning. Becca and Marissa...This is a much better beginning. Becca and Marissa have made great comments. The only comment I have is that I thought your character was girl until "lanky boy." Toby is a name that can be used for either sex and the voice sounded very feminine to me. (I have had girl students named Toby.) Even after "lanky boy", I was stopped by "midriff flannel." The use of the word "midriff" is one I've never heard a boy use to describe anything a boy would wear. The opening didn't give me "boy" since girls play basketball. I think if you made a simple change such as opening with "being the tallest boy in the junior class and sucking at basketball" would probably be enough along with a hard look at the looking-in-the-mirror scene to make it sound more masculine would fix it for me. Congrats on making such good changes.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-67608488411759970602012-07-16T20:38:07.267-04:002012-07-16T20:38:07.267-04:00Sarah, very nice job taking feedback from last wee...Sarah, very nice job taking feedback from last week and making changes. You really took the time to show the father as a loving part of the household in just one scene. <br /><br />In terms of revisions, I would agree with Becca's comments above regarding telling/showing. Particularly where he comes back to school and senses something is wrong. You can likely convey that sense with just one detail. The biggest part that removed me from reading smoothly was the section where Toby is suddenly back home from school. <br /><br />I heard Cheryl Klein (from Levine) speak this week on crafting compelling characters and she shared that characters that are whiny or mopey on the first page are an instant "no" from an editorial standpoint. That said, your revision really paints Toby as much more likable as a first impression and less mopey. Now we can experience the pain of his loss because we were more vested. Your reworking is truly a big jump from last week and I'm excited to see where you go next!Marissa Graffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03120823155731859924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36712726593111775572012-07-16T20:08:50.544-04:002012-07-16T20:08:50.544-04:00Ok, I like this start MUCH better. I can see the h...Ok, I like this start MUCH better. I can see the happy family, can see how utterly destroyed Toby's going to be when Dad's gone. I can also see Shelly more clearly because you've shown what kind of person she is instead of telling it. Great job setting this up. Now for a little fine-tuning ;).<br /><br />While I like the set-up, there's a little too many scene jumps in this chapter--in bed, in the kitchen, in the car, coming home from school; it feels a little jerky. I think I would lose the car scene. You can include the important stuff (the life is a test dialogue, the fantasy football exchange, etc.) as they leave the breakfast table. I'd also like to suggest a hard section break before they come home from school. There's a significant time jump there, and a transition to a hard core plot event. Set it off with a break. <br /><br />There's much less telling in this revision, which is great. But there's still a fair bit here. Same drill: highlight the telling parts and show them instead.<br /><br />Also, I was a little confused in the bedroom when he's staring at the mirror. Not sure exactly why he's saying you've got to be kidding me; since he went to bed in those clothes, I don't understand why he's surprised in the morning. You might want to revisit that. Also, puberty is really a one-time thing (although it takes a while to get through). So to hear 'every time puberty raised its head' didn't sound quite right to me. <br /><br />Lastly, having the word 'precipice' there, and the part of speech but no definition read a little strange. I know what you were getting at, how he didn't know it in class, but he does now. Maybe, when he's getting off the bus, he could briefly reflect that he'd done alright on the English test, though he'd forgotten the definition for precipice. Then, at the end, it comes rushing back to him. I think something like this might have more impact.<br /><br />Great job on the rewrite. Good luck!Becca Puglisihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08945707666707799601noreply@blogger.com