tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post5152298957503964250..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - June Entry #3, Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-631508234717297322011-06-21T16:35:01.775-04:002011-06-21T16:35:01.775-04:00This is a strong opening, very compelling. I am a ...This is a strong opening, very compelling. I am a little bothered by the detail of her thinking about the wedding and the relationships. She's in so much pain and so much is happening around her, I think show would have a little more trouble thinking all of that through. Other than that, I think this is stellar.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-38396048759870428632011-06-21T14:35:14.140-04:002011-06-21T14:35:14.140-04:00Thanks for the ideas! The music is REALLY importa...Thanks for the ideas! The music is REALLY important. It's the key to everything, so I need to focus on that for a little bit. We don't get back to that Beach Boys song until chapter 27, so I need to linger on it so people will remember...Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-39934020543852951452011-06-20T22:42:59.235-04:002011-06-20T22:42:59.235-04:00Hi Kate,
I agree with Lisa. This is even better w...Hi Kate,<br /><br />I agree with Lisa. This is even better with teh beginning shortened, but it can go further. I'm wondering if you can't skip the absolute darkness, or go directly from that to:<br /><br />The flashing lights, red, white, blue, replace the absolute darkness and the sound of (what?Give us a narrative -- screaming, screeching, something really telling) inside my head? <br />Then voices surround me. They’re all talking at once, the words swirling into a dull cacophony. I let myself drift in spirals on the rise and fall of their voices, the steady thud of my heartbeat an underlying rhythm to their song.<br />“Sweetheart?” The voice by my ear startles me. “What’s your name? Do you know your name?”<br />Do I know my name? Of course I know my name. I’m not an idiot. “Lucy…”<br /><br />The voice in that passage is SOOOOO strong. And you can interweave the sensory details into the following action to make her realize what's happened. You wouldn't lose anything, but you'd be jumping us into everything a little more powerfully.<br /><br />Just a thought. Take it or leave it. As you know, this is incredibly powerful, but I'd still like to connect to it more immediately.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-57392356445690443522011-06-20T21:29:56.069-04:002011-06-20T21:29:56.069-04:00Wow. Just wow. This isn't an ordinary accident...Wow. Just wow. This isn't an ordinary accident. I love how the MC's situation is revealed clue by clue. I almost feel her pain.<br /><br />You mention mush filled mouth, then slush mouth later. You might want to change it up a little.<br /><br />I'm almost hoping she has been thrown back to the Sixties, thus the music.Sandra Cormierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00231342310371529022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-7541967341437910342011-06-19T15:02:59.114-04:002011-06-19T15:02:59.114-04:00As always your writing is lovely. I'm glad you...As always your writing is lovely. I'm glad you tightened up the opening a bit, but I still think you can do more. Here's an example: "tiny jewels strewn across what I can now see is a road" You don't have to say "What I can now see is a" We already got that it was a road. It's tricky, but think as these things come into focus for Lucy, they also come into focus for the reader. If she's seen a yellow line and she's face down and there's a tail light... We can surmise what the situation is without her having to realize it. Unless your intention is to show some brain damage, which I doubt because of the line "I'm not stupid" When you say of course she knows her name. Therefore the smaller things can come to light faster.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com