tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post5082571017521778229..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: #73 Angela AckermanMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-10555231718499845712010-07-23T01:52:51.683-04:002010-07-23T01:52:51.683-04:00Thank you all for the great feedback here and I...Thank you all for the great feedback here and I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. Riley your comments about needing a bit more emotion is good to know, because I had made some changes based on Natalie's comments on the first four sentences, and I think perhaps I took out more than I should have and lost something in the process. <br /><br />Really appreciate all of your time to offer your feedback, allowing me to benefit from your experiences and viewpoints! Thanks everyone!<br /><br />Angela @ The Bookshelf MuseAngela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-7310406640120421432010-07-21T15:02:53.923-04:002010-07-21T15:02:53.923-04:00I think this is a very strong beginning. It flows ...I think this is a very strong beginning. It flows very nicely and the imagery is clear and evocative, especially in the last paragraph and the subtle references that the main character makes to her death. I do think, though, that your voice could shine through a little more. I don’t really feel any strong emotions. I think that if she had died, the striking similarity to the death of the goldfish would be a little more unnerving. In the third paragraph, where she comments that she didn’t want to do it for her brother’s sake, maybe you could convey her own dislike/fear of the situation a little more, especially since her mom is watching her closely. I would make the sentence: “There’s no way I looked like that when I died,” the beginning of a new paragraph. It’s a powerful statement and it’s the beginning of a list of comparison where the reader is given a lot of pertinent information. I am intrigued with the story, the beginning definitely pulls me in, and I want to keep reading, but I think it would be even stronger if just convey a little more emotion so we could hear your protagonist’s voice better.<br /><br />You query description is very clear and gives us a good summary of the story, but again, maybe make it a little more compelling through the use of your voice.Riley Carneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10555525091070117612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81548002199960686692010-07-21T15:00:54.745-04:002010-07-21T15:00:54.745-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Riley Carneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10555525091070117612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-2537397757715217572010-07-20T20:44:12.608-04:002010-07-20T20:44:12.608-04:00Fun beginning - it brings me in with the voice. Ni...Fun beginning - it brings me in with the voice. Nicely done :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20901082040126546102010-07-20T19:38:31.279-04:002010-07-20T19:38:31.279-04:00I like how you use the Goldfish comparison, but ma...I like how you use the Goldfish comparison, but maybe it is a bit too long. I would be much more interested in finding out right away about the almost death itself. I mean you have an automatic inciting incident here. Maybe I'm too impatient. But, I would use the goldfish thing later and start with the BANG!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56518617464311903922010-07-20T08:33:12.584-04:002010-07-20T08:33:12.584-04:00What an intriguing concept! I would maybe hint a l...What an intriguing concept! I would maybe hint a little more about how she came back to life--was it seemingly miraculous, or was it just a "her heart stopped for a second, but we brought it back" kind of thing?<br /><br />But maybe you were just about to get to that :PKat Zhanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01047061040988353833noreply@blogger.com