tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4991980988071188491..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 pages workshop - July entry #3 revision 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91406196169691780042011-07-13T14:52:57.712-04:002011-07-13T14:52:57.712-04:00This really was so much better! The first section ...This really was so much better! The first section REALLY drew me in. Great job!Chelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48213464120260228892011-07-13T00:47:12.074-04:002011-07-13T00:47:12.074-04:00W00T! More fantastic comments and suggestions! Tha...W00T! More fantastic comments and suggestions! Thanks so much! And the encouragement means the world...seriously. :) This workshop has been fantastic. Not only has it helped me with this new project (the novel in progress is called STRUCK, by the way), but it's helped me a ton with my writing and "voice" in general. Not to mention all the inspiration from the other entries. Much appreciation from this aspiring writer...<br />~Mandy<br />PS<br />Lisa, I'm ashamed to admit I had to look up passive and active verbs, just in case. Sometimes writing feels like trying to recall the process of long division. "How do you do that again?" Time to go back to school, yeesh.Mandyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02469060850586944800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49157972415205448922011-07-12T14:38:07.499-04:002011-07-12T14:38:07.499-04:00Much better! Cutting her noticing the rain then ru...Much better! Cutting her noticing the rain then running to the barn gets us right into the story. The only thing I can add on top of what everyone else said is, and this just a silly little thing, I've always thought of a swimmer's body as kind of an upside-down triangle, muscled shoulders, slim waist, not thin. Really just a little thing (I love a swimmer body, btw, yum). I also love the detail about all the ziplocs, hmmm, he must get rained on a lot :) Great work!Leah Rae Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15016306009472838900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56340917229166268722011-07-11T08:25:52.319-04:002011-07-11T08:25:52.319-04:00I thought this revision was very good as well. I ...I thought this revision was very good as well. I agree with the use of "so" and would suggest you look at "but" as well - but before she could decide could be before she could decide - but that's a minor comment. This really drew me in and I loved the details of the magazine cover and the gun-slinging bounty hunter novel as well as all those ziplocs he carries. Great job.Carolynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64157390453465667512011-07-09T15:46:18.304-04:002011-07-09T15:46:18.304-04:00Much better! I have a much better "feel"...Much better! I have a much better "feel" for Morgan, you dive into action much quicker and I think the details you chose give us a picture of her AND get us into the story more succinctly. (Particularly loved the Sno Cone receipt as bookmark. Just really gave me a quick snapshot of her as a teen who loves reading for some reason!) Also, I think you portrayed the "radio-like device" better this time around. I felt immersed in the scene and could "see" the action much more clearly.<br /><br />Only little thing: Instead of "Don't move!" might change it to "Don't!" instead, if it's really modesty she's worried about. Or maybe a gasp. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it didn't quite feel right. <br /><br />Otherwise, great work!Cathy Yardleyhttp://rockyourwriting.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27512678080570108722011-07-09T15:21:43.180-04:002011-07-09T15:21:43.180-04:00Okay - THIS WAS AMAZING!!! I LOVE IT! Great job on...Okay - THIS WAS AMAZING!!! I LOVE IT! Great job on the revision. You totally sucked me in. I felt like I got Morgan much better, the pacing was excellent, and I WANT TO READ MORE. Maybe I've had a little too much coffee? Sorry.<br /><br />Anyhow, just a few minor tweaks. Seriously. <br />1. Run through it for passive verb choice and pick active ones. And other extraneous words. "Sirens had sounded" could be simply sirens sounded for example. So he had timed it perfectly might read better without the "so." <br />2. Watch out for things like "Morgan felt like." "So and so heard" Just let us experience it with the character. Not many of those, but keep an eye out.<br />3.This line pulled me out "internal fear and resentment warring with a sudden irrational curiosity." It's a bit telling. Don't state (and you do this a couple times) she was afraid. We get that from your beautiful writing. I like the idea of her curiosity winning out despite her terror though. <br /><br />Great job!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com