tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4972274121285489794..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages October Workshop - Di Gesu Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78583936321637482662012-10-26T12:29:22.500-04:002012-10-26T12:29:22.500-04:00I really like this! It grabbed my attention and wh...I really like this! It grabbed my attention and while I see where the rest are coming from vulnerability, I do sort of like Aiden's attitude--military brat, born and raised. I do think if you showed a reason to why he is so uptight other than his dad--something as simple as, "It's better to be the new badass in school rather than the wuss or a nerd" could help see some more insight to Aiden.<br /><br />One more thing, when does he turn eighteen--does he have any big plan for when it happens?<br />I like how there is something going on with that Danny kid and hope we can see more on that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-72022491757874710392012-10-18T14:05:56.640-04:002012-10-18T14:05:56.640-04:00Hi Michael,
I TOTALLY agree with Lisa. That's...Hi Michael,<br /><br />I TOTALLY agree with Lisa. That's the jumping off point and the voice right there. You can work in the Danny finding out later, but I really don't think we need it. That one paragraph hooks us and it is beautifully, beautifully written in a wonderful deep pov that tells us so much. The same goes for the jock paragraph. Flexing his guns, things like that aren't quite as successful, especially since we don't see the action that precipitates it. Is he just standing in the hall at random making muscles in both arms like a bodybuilder? <br /><br />This revision is SO much better, but I think you can go further into being a little bit more subtle about the whole Tanya thing. It's not him I'm worried about. It's that her niceness doesn't come off as totally believable yet.<br /><br />Eager to see where you go from here :)<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-54046793718425534352012-10-17T20:24:59.472-04:002012-10-17T20:24:59.472-04:00Overall I like your revisions. I still feel the fi...Overall I like your revisions. I still feel the first paragraph doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. I'm left wondering how long we will have to wait to find out his secret. <br /><br />I love the tone of the third paragraph. That really gives good insight to Aidan's life with his dad and possibly a foreshadow with that last sentence. Nice! <br /><br />I agree with Lisa on Aidan needing to be more vulnerable. Otherwise, I like the revision! Heather Helenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08800781359655373969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-35137537870624934372012-10-17T15:11:17.613-04:002012-10-17T15:11:17.613-04:00I agree with Lisa. The tone in the first two sente...I agree with Lisa. The tone in the first two sentences doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the writing. I understand that they come from the MC at a later time, but because they don't really get explained in the coming pages, it falls a bit flat for me. I keep wondering what this secret is, and when I'm going to find out about it--if I have to read and read until I understand. Is there another way where you can bring in the same idea?<br /><br />Otherwise, great revision!<br /><br />-HeleneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-55058406874021682052012-10-17T14:32:26.002-04:002012-10-17T14:32:26.002-04:00You're definitely getting there, but I'd s...You're definitely getting there, but I'd still like to connect more with your character. Like I said, being like that on the outside is one thing, but give us a sense of vulnerability too. I liked Martina's idea of having an interaction with the dad so we can see what happens. I still feel like the opening is a bit telling. I'd love you to start with this:<br /><br />Once again, I found myself at a new school, the third in two years. It sucked having to live by Dad’s starched and mind-numbing military code 24/7. How much more could I take? No honorable discharge was in my future. Not until I turn eighteen. That is if I live that long.<br /><br />We get from this that the dad's military and what the basic issue is, then we can see a glimpse of how his dad treats him THEN the chip on his shoulder and I really think you have something. I especially liked the voice in this paragraph. My two cents! Good luck!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-71782926604683957182012-10-17T13:37:52.179-04:002012-10-17T13:37:52.179-04:00Wow. Really, really liked your revisions! I felt l...Wow. Really, really liked your revisions! I felt like I knew your MC more with the information in the beginning but didn't feel like it was an information download. Great job getting us to feel for him and start to root for him at the outset, even if he is a little unlikable. I liked the teaser in the beginning about a secret that Danny uncovers about your MC. Laura J. Marshallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08990920672511132500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-46820781603413562882012-10-15T12:11:38.497-04:002012-10-15T12:11:38.497-04:00"I didn’t need to search long to see the usua..."I didn’t need to search long to see the usual cliques. Two jocks, clueless in the first row, looked more confused and bored than me. Next to them, a couple of cheerleaders licked their bubblegum pink lip gloss, trying to capture Team Beaufort’s attention."<br /><br />Really loved this paragraph! Felt it put me in the character's head, and told me what I needed to know about his view of the world--all in a couple of sentences.<br /><br />Thought the entire piece hide a nice flow to it, and the dialogue felt very natural.<br /><br />Overall, very good job, Michael. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00273059558675234923noreply@blogger.com