tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4876407334624375150..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Panteleakos Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-4031298225864248912012-08-16T10:15:07.226-04:002012-08-16T10:15:07.226-04:00Hi Nicole,
Even if you weren't trying to unde...Hi Nicole,<br /><br />Even if you weren't trying to understand, which you clearly are, I want to point out that it is okay to explain or even argue a little. It gives us information that we don't have, and that helps us help each other.<br /><br />That said, I can only respond by saying that Bad Men pulled me out of the story both times. Leah brought up suspension of disbelief on another entry, and essentially, that's what this comes down to for me. Your writing and voice are so excellent up until I hit the Bad Men that I'm sucked in and right there with you. But then that term just throws me. Maybe it's as simple as not having the mother say it. Just saying, Audrey, we have to go" would be enough to give us context. <br /><br />On the other hand, if no one else reacts to the term and you feel strongly about keeping it, mine is one opinion. Everything is subjective, and your audience is really MG kids. Can you find a group of them to read this and give you an opinion on the term? See how they react? Watch their faces when they get to that point and then ask them point blank about the Bad Guys and see what they say.<br /><br />As far as the Witness Protection information goes, if you can't find a way to slot it in naturally in the prologue in no more than a sentence, then leave it out. You don't even necessarily have to call it Witness Protection at first, just hint that her mom saw someone do something illegal or bad or whatever word you want to use.<br /><br />This is complete nitpicking. Honestly. In a lesser manuscript, I probably wouldn't have noticed it at all. This one flows so beautifully up until that point, that that term just stands out.<br /><br />Hope this helps and sorry to confuse you,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-52797406766867261582012-08-16T00:36:33.997-04:002012-08-16T00:36:33.997-04:00Sorry, I don't mean to seem like I'm argui...Sorry, I don't mean to seem like I'm arguing with the feedback, I just don't really understand what to do with it. <br />Thanks!<br />*NicoleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-25560786089684074792012-08-15T23:43:33.776-04:002012-08-15T23:43:33.776-04:00While I think I can see your point, I'm still ...While I think I can see your point, I'm still a bit confused. I'm just not sure why it's inconceivable that the mom would wake her ten year old and say "the bad men are coming." This moment happens in a flashback to when she was almost 2 years younger, so I guess that why I don't see the trouble with it not fitting into her current state. Ten is still pretty young, and much of the premise is centered around the fact that she just turned twelve and isn't willing to blindly follow her mother anymore, so I guess I'm confused as to why I should show her questioning things before the inciting incident that occurs a few pages later (which is when she really begins to question things). <br /><br />Also I wonder how I could work in more information early on when I've established that her mom won't tell her anything about it. Basically, I've done what you suggested regarding conversations with Anabel and her mother (there are flashbacks throughout the book to moments when she either asked for or tried to find out more information) but because it's a mystery so I'd hate to give away so much early on. <br /><br />Does knowing that those things happen between chapters 2-5 help, or does it seem necessary to give more away in the prologue? I can make the prologue longer I suppose to fit in more info, like I said, I'm just afraid to take away some of the mystery. <br /><br />Thanks!!! This has given me a lot to think about. <br /><br />*NicoleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-37558716840900471222012-08-15T16:20:26.479-04:002012-08-15T16:20:26.479-04:00As before, this just works and rolls from the get-...As before, this just works and rolls from the get-go. But I think I've identified my problem with "Bad Men" -- which was still a problem for me on this read. It comes off as too babyish for the MC. I know that's what her mother has always called them, and that's was probably fine when your MC was younger. But after the prologue that you gave us, which is pretty sophisticated, the term "Bad Men" devolves the credibility. I adore the premise that she thinks she's in Witness Protection and eventually finds out that she isn't, and I wonder if you couldn't work solve this all by exploring how she has evolved with this over time a bit. Consider telling us outright that she's in Witness Protection and that the criminals her mother testified against are still after them. When pressed as Anabel grows older, what does her mother say? What might she say? Could Anabel make it a joke? Mom used to call them the "Bad Guys" when I was little, but she gets hives and hyperventilates whenever I even ask her about them. These days, I call them ... Or something along those lines. I still feel that this approach smacks too much of authorial withholding because it's not in character for the Anabel we meet in your prologue.<br /><br />Whichever way you go, it's a great piece of work.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53554279994627640742012-08-15T02:45:28.039-04:002012-08-15T02:45:28.039-04:00I like this more after another read. I just wonder...I like this more after another read. I just wonder if the theme is heavy for MG. But perhaps that just reflects the MG I have read (none recently)Timhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01878752949268111927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-42717559258805951322012-08-13T23:13:51.914-04:002012-08-13T23:13:51.914-04:00I took out the two lines people didn't seem to...I took out the two lines people didn't seem to like ('how can I... When I don't know my own name?' and 'we call it sideways, the way Lola Jean talks...') and added a 'she' to show MZ's gender, but aside from that I didn't know what to change. I know I'm biased, but I like it the way it is! Lol. Thanks, and I'll give more thought to starting chapter one somewhere else. <br />*NicoleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-7176925321226625722012-08-13T22:00:03.707-04:002012-08-13T22:00:03.707-04:00Like Candyce, I didn't notice where it changed...Like Candyce, I didn't notice where it changed (I didn't compare the two side-by-side, but am basing this off memory) - but it's still great!Leah Cypesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11123736070369470635noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78610789502215767332012-08-13T16:34:06.490-04:002012-08-13T16:34:06.490-04:00Nicole,
I didn't really notice a whole lot of ...Nicole,<br />I didn't really notice a whole lot of change in this revision, but I think you're doing a great job. I think people touched on this in the last round of revisions, but have you considered starting chapter one in a different place? It might not necessarily be better, but it might be worth a try. Excellent job!The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.com