tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4680577715454304895..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages August Workshop - WiseMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-68310047116645294672012-08-09T23:47:20.703-04:002012-08-09T23:47:20.703-04:00The drugs are just the setting for the big issue, ...The drugs are just the setting for the big issue, but you're so right. There's a lot of drug talk in these first five pages. The "My parents like Sean. They don't know he's a drug dealer" thang might work a lot better if it comes out of the blue. I'll play with it. Maybe I can strip some of this information out of the first five pages and work it in elsewhere. <br /><br />Thanks for your help!jkwise1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-57350393033080910272012-08-09T23:39:55.968-04:002012-08-09T23:39:55.968-04:00The first line of this was in the Miss Snark's...The first line of this was in the Miss Snark's first line blog post, and 57 out of 59 responders said that they wouldn't keep reading based on my first line! Wow, goodbye first line, for sure! <br /><br />In the beginning of my book, Kate is jaded, but I want her to be likeable too. I really need to work on that. I've gotten that comment from several people. It's a tough balance. She's afraid of feeling extremes, because those extremes feel too much like addiction, and I don't think even she realizes that at first. I'll see what I can do, and I'm curious to see if I can pull it off without softening her too much and weakening the big changes she makes later. <br /><br />Thanks for your comments!jkwise1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-47071848926431328382012-08-09T16:11:25.279-04:002012-08-09T16:11:25.279-04:00This is a fantastic introduction to what I assume ...This is a fantastic introduction to what I assume is a contemporary YA. Your writing is very smooth and the mc’s voice is great. I would suggest two main changes for these first 5 pages:<br /><br />First, it seems to me there is too much about secondary characters and not enough about the main character; aside from the interaction with her parents, she seems mainly like a narrative device to give us information about what’s going on around her (especially about Allison) rather than like a real person who's going to be at the center of this book. I like the fact that a lot of what is going on with her is hinted at, making the reader curious to know what’s going on (what’s her history with Sean? Why is she still with him? What happens on their dates together with his middle-aged friends?) – but at the same time, it makes her seem too much like a blank slate. Perhaps you could find a way to get more of her, as an individual, into the story earlier, maybe in her initial conversation with Allison?<br /><br />Second, I think there is a bit too much telling about drugs, what happens with drugs, how all these various people have developed/kicked/not kicked their drug habits. Obviously, this story is going to be largely about that, but it has to be mainly about the characters – we should learn this information as the mc experiences it, not by having her give us some exposition every time she remembers or thinks about one of her friend’s or her own drug experiences.<br /><br />As you probably know, I write (and read) mainly fantasy, so you can take my comments with a grain of salt. However, thinking of some of my favorite contemporary YAs where the mc is dealing with a big issue (Split by Swati Avasthi, Try Not to Breathe by Jennifer R. Hubbard, Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson), what they all have in common is how the mc's voice takes precedence over the Big Issue.<br /><br />I hope this helps! Looking forward to seeing the rewrite.Leah Cypesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11123736070369470635noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-5623033481060526482012-08-07T23:33:46.602-04:002012-08-07T23:33:46.602-04:00This is solid, well-crafted writing. You've se...This is solid, well-crafted writing. You've set the stage beautifully, and I get a great sense of character. The voice is very strong. <br /><br />Consider, perhaps, starting here:<br /><br />Finish this sentence, Allison: I might be an addict if…<br /><br /><br />Well, Doctor, I might be an addict if… I took a bunch of painkillers and drank half a bottle of whiskey and ended up in rehab. But that was just supposed to be a little jump-start before I started to party. Before lines of coke off the compact in my purse. And did I mention the fix that I keep in my car?<br /><br />You can then weave in the info that came above it, and then you are off...<br /><br />Consider tightening up where you can as well to make the most of this real estate. There are several places where you say the same thing in similar ways:<br /><br />Jillian never comes to the hospital. She can’t stand hospitals. She practically grew up in rehab places like Banner. <br /><br />The first two sentences there are similar enough that they are worth examining, for example, for the effect you would create by removing one or the other and letting the reader make an inference. <br /><br />Like Candyce though, I would love to a bit more about where the story is going, and perhaps a bit of a crack in your protag's veneer to show her vulnerability and let us root for her more deeply. She's coming off a little jaded and I think you could give us a tiny bit, tiny bit more likeability.<br /><br />Excellent work. Looking forward to seeing more!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-65559400927509777642012-08-07T13:22:21.908-04:002012-08-07T13:22:21.908-04:00Actually, after putting some thought, the story is...Actually, after putting some thought, the story is already going in a certain direction (with Kate possibly going into the "circle" of drug dealers). It was just that I didn't find the first scene particularly interesting.chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-16978639932315341022012-08-07T10:11:48.252-04:002012-08-07T10:11:48.252-04:00Like Candyce, this isn't what I normally read ...Like Candyce, this isn't what I normally read and I would keep going. I didn't find it slow. You introduced the characters; gave quite a lot of their background in a way that was interesting; Allison is heading for more trouble; Kate is dating a drug dealer; and I know what the title refers to. I think the story is succesfully beginning to percolate.Timhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01878752949268111927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-76656462802144802322012-08-06T22:58:10.961-04:002012-08-06T22:58:10.961-04:00To be honest, it's a little slow. The opening ...To be honest, it's a little slow. The opening scene seems to exist to provide exposition, with little conflict or purpose to the actual action going on. It's just another visit. Nothing special. At least the "vehicle" have two people driving it. My pet peeve is when the author dumps a lot of exposition while the protagonist is doing nothing, something that you avoid.<br /><br />I'm wondering what's going to be special about this story. What's going to happen to Kate or Alison? Try hinting at that more, for a better hook.<br /><br />On the technical side, there's a few instances where you put a character's actions and dialogue in different paragraphs. I suggest putting the actions with the dialogue. <br /><br />On the other hand, I like how you hint that Kate might take drugs too. It's clear although she's disgusted about the actions other people have done toward Alison, but she doesn't really despise drugs. This is a clear path for character development. The problem is how the plot is going to fulfill its promise.<br /><br />Unless you're aiming for a clear issues book with literary vibes. That's fine.chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-67059455961545054392012-08-06T11:39:52.452-04:002012-08-06T11:39:52.452-04:00Julie,
I love your writing style, and thought you ...Julie,<br />I love your writing style, and thought you did an excellent job sucking the reader in. I don't really read a lot of Tough Stuff books, but I would definitely keep going with this one. <br /><br />The only suggestion I have is to consider putting something about Kate's main conflict into the first five pages. For example, you showed us that a lot of Kate's friends have drug problems and you hinted at Kate being a drug addict herself, but maybe try giving the reader a glimpse at what's in store for Kate. Like, if Kate is going to become a serious addict, maybe have her think about wanting a fix. Just a thought. Great job!The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-63897982955098141552012-08-06T11:01:35.883-04:002012-08-06T11:01:35.883-04:00Wow, great pages. It really sucked me in and kept ...Wow, great pages. It really sucked me in and kept my interest. Good work!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com