tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4482026578691059600..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages November Workshop - Brunner Rev 3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-15134022795879891402011-12-02T13:56:51.057-05:002011-12-02T13:56:51.057-05:00I must say, I'm really impressed with this rev...I must say, I'm really impressed with this revision. Even though it's MG, I might even read it. :) I thought that Dice and Rebecca getting caught was funny. <br /><br />Also, John keeps getting better and better. I actually like him now. He's a little coward-ish, but I can stand that b/c there are hints that he's going to grow. <br /><br />The only problem, which I've pointed out three times so far, is that you don't introduce Sefi at all. You just bring her in all of a sudden. She deserves just a couple words. Like "Sefi, a girl in his class" or "Sefi, Dice's sister," etc... Without that, the line "Sefi wasn't laughing" doesn't really have any effect.<br /><br />All in all, though, this is much improved from your previous revisions, and I really enjoyed reading it. Best of luck!Elanor Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00936078326828012174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69814747966952947662011-12-01T07:35:00.964-05:002011-12-01T07:35:00.964-05:00'you think he's your friend now?' -- ...'you think he's your friend now?' -- is still a bit of a disconnect. If you're going to run with it, try something along the lines of:<br /><br />"Do you think that just because you're taking the heat for him, he'll start leaving you alone?" Show a reaction from Rebecca, like the words cut. I would also have Dice snap at her under his breath as they head out, so she knows her attempt didn't really net her any brownie points from him because he still got caught.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-16293001884948781412011-11-29T00:47:36.031-05:002011-11-29T00:47:36.031-05:00LITTLE LIT, the brainchild of comics master Art Sp...LITTLE LIT, the brainchild of comics master Art Spiegelman, was created to fill a void in comics: There is nothing out there anymore for kids. He looked around himself and saw talent brimming over the surface, but no one creating for the people who made comics popular in the first place. On the back, it says, "COMICS -- They're not just for grown-ups anymore!" The oversize hardcover is a collection of seventeen artists -- some comics creators, some illustrators, some children's book authors -- for this book of fairy tales.Ελλάδαhttp://eclipsegym.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-27685216603176988542011-11-28T19:56:06.496-05:002011-11-28T19:56:06.496-05:00Good job with the revision. All of the characters ...Good job with the revision. All of the characters seem to have more dimension now and were more believable. Also liked that the teacher caught the kids who were picking on John. Very satisfying! She's not quite so nasty in this one, and I think her dialogue is more realistic than it was before.<br /><br />Had a POV issue with this line:<br /><br />When the program ended for the day the children quickly crowded the exit, eager to leave the school behind them.<br /><br />It hit me as an obvious jump to the narrator's POV rather than John's. It's not likely that John would think of the other kids as "children," because kids that age see themselves as older than they actually are.<br /><br />Good job. : ) Write on!Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-15702106464278777902011-11-28T17:05:04.622-05:002011-11-28T17:05:04.622-05:00I haven't got much to add to the above other t...I haven't got much to add to the above other than how much putting DIce and the girl who helps him into detention improves both the teacher and John. Suddenly, he isn't quite such a victim and the teacher becomes a much more sympathetic character. Makes me wonder if she doth protest too much about the 'ridiculous book'...<br /><br />Dept of Nitpickery: I still think the line about 'you think he's your friend now?' doesn't quite work work - would the character John really say such a thing, however much you might want him to? I often find myself having to cut some of my favourite lines because they're turning certain characters ever so slightly into sock-puppets for things *I* would want to say.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-6727257156167913432011-11-28T16:06:21.840-05:002011-11-28T16:06:21.840-05:00Hi Max,
I was cringing at first when I thought th...Hi Max,<br /><br />I was cringing at first when I thought the teacher had been hoodwinked, but when you had her put both of them in timeout, you had me cheering. Well done!<br /><br />You've got a fast-paced read here, very well balanced with dialogue and action. You've done a good job fleshing out your characters better, especially Ms. Jessup and John. This version is much improved.<br /><br />You've also got my interest with the Bermuda Triangle setting and mystery. You've threaded in hints of that mystery more, and I'm curious to see what happens and what John and his dad have planned.<br /><br />One little nit-picky -- instead of the couple of references to "the bullies," I'd keep that action focused on John and Dice, so I'd just say Dice rather than "the bullies." It makes it more personal, though you can definitely have Dice's friends snickering in the background and helping him out as you've done.<br /><br />Oh, also in this version, I think you've lost the bit about Dice not wanting to be called Craig, so that switch of names was confusing.<br /><br />Again, I do like what you've done with Ms. Jessup! Often, it's just a twist of action or dialogue that's needed to make a character fully come alive.<br /><br />I wish you the best of luck with this!<br />SusanS.P. Sipalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943968424012034217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-60670174333253142502011-11-28T13:53:13.884-05:002011-11-28T13:53:13.884-05:00I like that the bully and the accomplice girl both...I like that the bully and the accomplice girl both got busted: it makes the teacher seem sharper, and makes her an equal opportunity hardass. Makes it feel more realistic, and potentially feeds conflict -- basically, they have more reason to resent John. I think there's definitely more menace in this version, and more foreshadowing. Good job.Cathy Yardleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11968956085630495203noreply@blogger.com