tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4430130946012267161..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - June Entry #1, Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-61896726173874799042011-06-16T14:52:00.268-04:002011-06-16T14:52:00.268-04:00This is a big step up from the first go 'round...This is a big step up from the first go 'round. I, too, love the sensory details, but am a bit frustrated by some unanswered questions. It's always so hard to get the back story in without slowing down the story and losing tension. This has a lot of tension and forward movement. I'd really like to continue reading!Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-4972438554280783022011-06-15T06:13:29.663-04:002011-06-15T06:13:29.663-04:00I'm not going to rehash the comments that have...I'm not going to rehash the comments that have alredy been given. They're right on the money and I'm sure you know what to do by now. Only one other thing jumped out at me this time. If this is only "A few minutes into their 'new adventure'" and there's "no food in the house," how can there be dirty dishes in the sink? I love the way Mom shows her emotions by the way she washes dishes, don't get me wrong, I just think there needs to be some explanation as to why they're there in the first place. :)Suzanne Luceronoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-44399116955254736802011-06-14T22:38:33.191-04:002011-06-14T22:38:33.191-04:00This is much better than it was, but I don't f...This is much better than it was, but I don't feel so much for the narrator this time. In fact, I feel kind of removed from her, but I can't figure out why. Maybe it's because the time jumps around a bit. It may be better to play the scene out in a linear fashion, rather than recollecting etc as well.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-30248601588616050172011-06-12T17:28:44.270-04:002011-06-12T17:28:44.270-04:00Agreed. I also realize this time that I don't ...Agreed. I also realize this time that I don't have a clear grasp on the MC's age. She feels a little younger than I recall, maybe the line "She'd look like a crybaby, and Dad would tell her to grow up." That feels more MG to me than YA, am I mixed up? Was this YA? Sorry about that. <br /><br />The opening is better, but it jumped too much. It starts with her mother making a comment while unpacking, she recalls the flight and all of a sudden the parents are in the bedroom arguing. So the mother's whereabouts change. Read through and see what words are actually necessary to ground us, and which can be revealed as we read. <br /><br />Still like the sensory details with the father, the mother's reaction with the dishes, and the little brother interaction.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-73866281232888926122011-06-11T18:47:13.519-04:002011-06-11T18:47:13.519-04:00Much stronger! The tension comes through more clea...Much stronger! The tension comes through more clearly and we can really feel for her.<br /><br />The beginning still feels a bit choppy for me because you are shifting through time. Suggest you take a strict linear approach: unpacking dishes, snide comment leads to argument, quote from dad about new adventure in Mallorca, more argument, arguing since June, Rebecca escapes to balcony.<br /><br />Where is the sister? Make it clear since you bring her up. If it's intended to be a mystery, build it up a little.<br /><br />Overall, that's a bit of my problem with this. Five pages in, I still have no clue where you are going with this. I'm hooked, but I'd like to get some sense, even if it's just a line, of her goals and needs, something she is intending to do rather than just enduring the situation with her parents and transition to a new country.<br /><br />Looking forward to next week!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com