tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4404976479233537243..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages May Workshop - SoontornvatMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-38464249284937542772012-05-16T20:59:03.706-04:002012-05-16T20:59:03.706-04:00Your writing made me feel as if I was there, in th...Your writing made me feel as if I was there, in that setting. Looking forward in reading more of your great work!Mary Hullnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-82269003763249638242012-05-10T09:47:58.071-04:002012-05-10T09:47:58.071-04:00Hi Christina,
This is a great voice, and an intri...Hi Christina,<br /><br />This is a great voice, and an intriguing setup. I'm envisioning something very Hansel and Gretelish, in the best possible way. You have an affinity with characterization and dialogue--love the grocery store cashier. Technically, that bit is a flashback, and it's generally preferable to start more linearly, but it works for me and you got in and out of it quickly and well. <br /><br />My main concern echoes what has been said above. Kat had a brilliant suggestion for helping to ground the reader in Izzy's point of view right away. But I do think that even with that, I would like to see Izzy more actively involved. Can she go to the grocery store by herself? I like the interaction with suggesting her sister needs the bathroom. :D More of that type of thing at a minimum. Show us that she is going to be an active and interesting protagonist that is going to MAKE things happen instead of having things happen to her. We're starting to see the external problem, but I wonder if you could also give us a hint of her internal need. What is the hole in her life?<br /><br />Look forward to seeing the revision!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-12465410820525424952012-05-10T01:34:17.102-04:002012-05-10T01:34:17.102-04:00I love the voice in this – my first thoughts were ...I love the voice in this – my first thoughts were ‘is this really MG? It’s so good.’ Having said that I had to read this line twice to understand: Last year she told Old Man Hinkam that on account he built his hog pen on a fairy road, the fairies would make the meat tough.”<br /><br />I struggled with the phrase ‘stalling tactic’ coming from a young person, especially spoken to an even younger sister. Then the phrase ‘I so wish’ coming from a mother sounded wrong too. Wow, socialite did it too. Who is the narrator to know a word like that? I thought the narrator was Izzy?<br /><br />If it’s a mens’ hat the apostrophe has to be at the end to show the men as a collective. I’m thinking it’s a typo as it’s right the second time.<br /><br />Hm, there’s one line that felt very telling but I’m guessing it’s important and it’s a reasonable enough thing for the character to say: Most people would be thrilled to inherit a big farmhouse in the woods Maybe you can cut straight to ‘before we inherited the place?<br /><br />Dang, could you have left us hanging on a more intriguing place? Overall, I love this. I agree with heather that the MC is too much of a spectator though. Can’t wait to see where you take this.katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-24481627024531712252012-05-09T23:53:13.096-04:002012-05-09T23:53:13.096-04:00Great opening line! However, perhaps consider work...Great opening line! However, perhaps consider working it into the narration a little more by framing it like: "What do you do, wondered Izzy Doyle, when you find yourself sitting down as your own kitchen table with a witch?" or similar. This allows us to situate ourselves in Izzy's head from the very beginning and (depending on how you word the question) gives us some opening insight to what sort of character Izzy is.<br /><br />Your dialogue is fantastic—snappy and memorable :) The narrative voice is wonderful, as well.<br /><br />I am wondering a little about time setting, though. Is this contemporary or set a bit in the past? (the mother's line: "I so wish…" makes me think a little in the past)<br /><br />A tiny thing, but instead of saying "said their mom," I'd just put "said Mom." We're clearly in Izzy's POV, so she'd just be thinking of her as "Mom," and it also reads more smoothly.<br /><br />I already love Izzy ("petite" makes her feel like a small dessert! Ha! As someone who was the smallest in her class for many years as a kid, I sympathize), and I'm very interested in how the story develops!Kat Zhanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01047061040988353833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-54473423922931206972012-05-09T17:34:15.486-04:002012-05-09T17:34:15.486-04:00Christina -
I'm hoping you got my feedback yes...Christina -<br />I'm hoping you got my feedback yesterday. There were two separate entries of yours one right after the other and I commented on the first. Please let me know if you didn't see it and I'll critique again!<br />Thanks, <br />Marilee HaynesMarilee Hayneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16757885702409755120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-88110031343076890672012-05-07T15:38:22.025-04:002012-05-07T15:38:22.025-04:00I love the feel of this piece. Your writing is a l...I love the feel of this piece. Your writing is a lot of fun. One concern I have though is the age of the MC. Both she and her sister feel a bit young to me. And I would like to see more interaction between the mother and Izzy so I get their relationship a little better. How does she feel about moving out there? Is this the first really interesting thing that's happened? Or does it fit her expectations? <br /><br />As far as the flashback, it's true you should try to avoid them, especially this early even though it's well done. I wonder if you have to give the details or just mention that the cashier said that. We can assume from that the person was sticking his nose in where it probably didn't belong.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-58224023577056979022012-05-07T10:07:09.673-04:002012-05-07T10:07:09.673-04:00You have done a really nice job fleshing out the s...You have done a really nice job fleshing out the setting and the cast of characters are fun and interesting.<br /><br />My main concern is that Izzy is a spectator so far. All those other characters are great (love the cashier), but we really need to get to know the mc first. It's a good page before Izzy does anything. Then she has a few thoughts. <br /><br />You immediately go into flashback which is a dangerous practice on the first page. Beginning with a rhetorical question is also problematical. I'm wondering if you've started this story in the right place. What moment does Izzy's life change? My opinion only, but I think that's where to shoot for.<br /><br />I look forward to seeing your revisions next week!Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.com