tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4356336734592570012..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages November Workshop - Entry #5Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-41648012978667307902011-11-12T19:24:04.172-05:002011-11-12T19:24:04.172-05:00Max Brunner said:
I am humbled to be able to take...Max Brunner said:<br /><br />I am humbled to be able to take part in this workshop. Your comments are insightful and I am excited for the opportunity to address them and get even MORE feedback.<br />This is my first attempt at writing a novel and I obviously played it too safe with the characterizations, at least this early in the manuscript. To be honest Ms. Jessup and Dice are only in two scenes and play such monir roles so I hadn't given them much thought, but characters without depth or conflict make for a boring read. I am excited to make changes and I hope the revisions I have been working on will add both depth and flavor.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-38680310617290695622011-11-11T13:06:41.149-05:002011-11-11T13:06:41.149-05:00Firstly, I love how this is related to the Bermuda...Firstly, I love how this is related to the Bermuda Triangle. I've always been interested in that mystery, so mentioning it here is a really strong hook for me. I also like how you bring it up in the first chapter. For a first chapter it's pretty strong; we get a sense of the MC, the situation he lives in, and the hook for the larger story. Well done.<br /><br />Unfortunately, like the other commenters have said, the characters do feel a little caricatured. John's such a quiet nerd that I actually don't sympathize with him much at this point. <br /><br />Also, I really don't understand the teacher. Why is she so keen on ridiculing one of her brightest students? Normally a kid like him who gets moved up a couple grades would be a kind of teacher's pet, not someone to be laughed at. While I like that it gets across the idea of the Bermuda triangle, I think it's a little unrealistic that a teacher would be that nasty to that kind of student.<br /><br />One character I did like was Sefi. I liked how she looked kinda punk and was very much don't-mess-with-me, but was still nice enough to go over and apologize to her brother. I'd definitely be interested in reading more about her.<br /><br />All in all, I love the Bermuda triangle premise but I think the characterization can use a little work in order to move away from the stereotypical boy-is-bullied-both-by-his-peers-and-by-his-teacher sort of thing.Elanor Lawrencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00936078326828012174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-76525252008866899982011-11-10T13:09:00.543-05:002011-11-10T13:09:00.543-05:00I think Ms. Sipal nailed it. I don't mind the...I think Ms. Sipal nailed it. I don't mind the new kid routine. Or even the crackpot scientist. And if you can make your characters compelling, no one else will either.<br /><br />That said, even though John may not be into rocking the boat, give us a reason to see that he has some spine, some spark.<br /><br />"What made John feel even worse was that no one had even tried to understand him." --> stop after "tried"K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-32069776430733412252011-11-08T09:12:03.544-05:002011-11-08T09:12:03.544-05:00I like your writing over all, but I think John is ...I like your writing over all, but I think John is a kind of flat character. (Also the teacher, who seems so heavy-handed, felt one-sided to me.) <br /><br />This story reminded me of something I read in Les Edgerton's book 'Hooked.' He uses the movie 'Thelma & Louise' for some of his examples, and said that when Thelma decides to not tell her husband that she's going on a trip with Louise, that's a pivotal point because up then, she's always been dominated by men. Without even thinking it through or realizing it, she's making a decision to do something different and break out of that trap. It's where her story begins.<br /><br />Right now, it doesn't seem like John has decided to break out of the trap of being continually bullied yet, so even though there's conflict, the story isn't moving forward very much. Does that make sense? I'm not explaining it very well. (For an eloquent explanation, just real Les Edgerton's book! : ) )<br /><br />Can't wait to see what you do next. : ) <br /><br />John, as a character, seems toBeth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-63304855856667044982011-11-07T12:17:39.696-05:002011-11-07T12:17:39.696-05:00I'll agree that the nerd vs. bully trope is pe...I'll agree that the nerd vs. bully trope is perhaps a little too static here. Beyond that, I'd like some hints about the hook of the book. I'm sensing that it's the Bermuda Triangle; they're in Bermuda, and John's father is one of those "crackpot scientists." I assume that the adventure will involve that. I just wish I had a sense of how John feels. He's reading about it -- I imagine that he cares about his father, and agrees with his theories. I'd also like some more conflict. Right now, he's just trying not to make waves. He covers for Dice's spitwad, he knuckles under to his teacher's insulting remarks, and the scene peters out with Sefi telling John he gets picked on because he does nothing. I don't know how this scene really ends, or how much further it goes on, but I'd like to see something more of a hook, something that propels us forward or hints at future conflict. Perhaps addressing how to make this a little less conventional would help solve that problem. I'll look forward to seeing your revisions.Cathy Yardleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11968956085630495203noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-46337012736220633592011-11-07T11:02:59.322-05:002011-11-07T11:02:59.322-05:00Hi Max,
Your writing shows great skill and you st...Hi Max,<br /><br />Your writing shows great skill and you start your story with interesting action. It's easy to get a handle on your characters and plot.<br /><br />In fact, your writing is so strong that I have little to say, but the one main comment I have is not small. One reason it's easy to get a handle on your characters is because they do not seem very fresh at this stage. You've got the big bully, the nerdy, picked-on MC, the sympathetic girl, and the out-of-touch, stern teacher. Honestly, I think with your skill and just a bit more deepening, you can make these characters seem different from the standard fare, even within the first 5 pages.<br /><br />What sets your characters apart from anyone else? What details breaths new life into them? Can you envision them in a slightly different way to make them seem more real? For example, instead of being the big, dumb bully, could Dice be the reigning geek who doesn't want his turf usurped and so has turned bully? I don't know your story, so cannot really suggest specific changes. It may take something as simple as a fresh way to describe them, or it may require a more serious reworking. It's hard for me to know at this stage. You may have them completely fresh later, and it's just not coming across in these first 5 pages.<br /><br />Also, while your first paragraph is great action, you then go into two paragraphs of telling. I think some of this can be woven into action and dialogue as the story progresses.<br /><br />Here's a few small things that stuck out to me:<br /><br />This little detail may just be me, but when I first read your line "the hot blood that shot into his cheeks, " I thought you meant that the spitball had hit him hard enough to make his cheek bleed. I had to reread to understand that you meant blush. I think maybe the word shot is a bit too strong for blushing.<br /><br />You could just say "cold saliva ran down his cheek" rather than "began to."<br /><br />When you said, "The instructor marched toward him," I initially thought you meant toward Dice as he was the last person mentioned. Also, if you want to keep this in John's POV, instructor doesn't sound like the word a kid would use.<br /><br />Your story so far is good in deep POV except for one glitch - "She brushed her dark, pink-streaked hair away from her eyes to steal a glance at John but the boy had his head down again, this time focusing intently on the corner of his desk." With this, you step out of John's head and switch to omniscient.<br /><br />Again, I think your writing is very strong, but I would like to see some freshness about your characters. Please keep in mind that these are just my opinions. Others may think differently. I hope you get some good comments below, and I look forward to reading any revisions you choose to make!<br /><br />SusanS.P. Sipalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943968424012034217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-88668704440653468192011-11-06T23:01:38.967-05:002011-11-06T23:01:38.967-05:00I like the story and the writing a lot, but I thin...I like the story and the writing a lot, but I think that the new kid in school story line is used to often.Kathrynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14061573146674710242noreply@blogger.com