tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4268307081676601071..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages February Workshop - Braden Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-23884508278915578242012-02-16T17:54:34.154-05:002012-02-16T17:54:34.154-05:00Ann,
Another great edit. Since you begin your st...Ann, <br /><br />Another great edit. Since you begin your story with Mr. Trolp, I assume he's very important to this story. You've sure upped the creepy on him.<br /><br />My suggestions are for your first scene. Your first paragraph reads a bit clunky to me. Also, I would recommend thinning out some of the unnecessary phrases and actions. Some areas still read jumbled, maybe overworked, but overall you've definitely improved. God job!Lisa B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11499350159201423248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-88972601952055006742012-02-16T02:18:58.699-05:002012-02-16T02:18:58.699-05:00I absolutely love the voice! Still!
You've d...I absolutely love the voice! Still! <br /><br />You've done a great job editing the Trolp scene. Ends much more sinister-ly. I agree that the putting on of the DVD still leaves me perplexed, but I could see someone else surreptitiously snatching it from him and putting it in to shut him up. <br /><br />So many great one-liners. I just adore: "There's always a first time to agree with Jeff Harkiss." and "...with the DVD around his finger like a hostage." So great!!!<br /><br />I also agree with Chelsey that the girls are all still indistinguishable. Maybe throw a line or two about what each of them means to the protagonist. Maybe Caroline is like the Ally Sheedy character from The Breakfast Club, and Maddy is the foster care kid who has a crush on Julia's brother, and Tessa is the math geek who once saved Julia's life. Something that gives them just a bit more depth.<br /><br />Another question I had is kinda logistical--isn't dry ice available at most Baskin Robbins? I don't know how much it is, but you probably wouldn't need to pay shipping. Just a thought.<br /><br />One more teeny, tiny thing--the paragraph that starts "There's a whole load of things I want to say back to that"--if it were me, I'd break up that paragraph into three separate paragraphs, the second starting at "Seventy-three percent," the third starting at "I dig my pencil into the groove..."<br /><br />Great improvements! Great story! I'd definitely keep reading.M.E. Summerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15721635796108451198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-61387640486480550742012-02-15T18:03:40.209-05:002012-02-15T18:03:40.209-05:00Great job!!! I still love the voice. I like your c...Great job!!! I still love the voice. I like your changes with Mr. Trolp. I wouldn't necessarily go over the top, but perhaps it's her own reaction to his weirdness. I want to see that lightbulb moment where she starts to take him seriously enough to launch her own investigation into dark matter. So maybe there's just a missing nugget there somewhere.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-23724302407167767022012-02-14T13:36:58.202-05:002012-02-14T13:36:58.202-05:00I love your voice, but I also agree with what has ...I love your voice, but I also agree with what has been said about the characters. I really like the pink pen and snazzifrass Swedish fish--more details like that for each of the characters would be good. Also, re: that long paragraph after Mr. Trolp calls out Julia--it seems to me that if he's on a crusade to tell the kids these things, he would say something to her about ignoring him. And after starting off his lecture that way, I'm not sure why he stops and actually puts on the DVD. He sort of seems like the type of teacher who would lecture for more than half the class and then realize he's supposed to put the DVD on. Looking forward to seeing what you do next!Helenenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-11030628076446099562012-02-13T16:24:45.654-05:002012-02-13T16:24:45.654-05:00Hi Ann,
I like the way the Mr. Trolip scene ends ...Hi Ann,<br /><br />I like the way the Mr. Trolip scene ends much better, but I agree with Chelsea that it could be even more overt -- even more of a launching pad for the story. Since I don't know where you're going, I even wonder whether he can't say something that only she hears, and isn't sure she heard. Or something along those lines. Or someone else could comment about his obvious interest in her. Something that makes it clearer.<br /><br />On the other hand, I'm absolutely, positively sold on her voice. So... I'd keep reading.<br /><br />Great job!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80509807603958509142012-02-13T12:08:58.758-05:002012-02-13T12:08:58.758-05:00I'm not sure I'm clear about exactly why t...I'm not sure I'm clear about exactly why the lecture on people being out to get you means Mr. Trolip will be out the door quicker than the tiptoe-lady. I know kids are totally going to be placing bets on subs, but I don't know if i get quite why he's being judged for this. I'd think it'd be kind of interesting. Maybe if you explain if he's also acting weird physically (jerking around or something) it would help.<br /><br />Also in the next scene, I think it'd help if you identified the girls a bit more with dialogue and narration. Rather than talk about doughnut eating, do a bit more to show who each one is as a character, because right now they're indistinguishable.<br /><br />I still really like your voice/concept here, just think you need to clarify some stuff.Chelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56362913047656743302012-02-13T12:08:51.499-05:002012-02-13T12:08:51.499-05:00I'm not sure I'm clear about exactly why t...I'm not sure I'm clear about exactly why the lecture on people being out to get you means Mr. Trolip will be out the door quicker than the tiptoe-lady. I know kids are totally going to be placing bets on subs, but I don't know if i get quite why he's being judged for this. I'd think it'd be kind of interesting. Maybe if you explain if he's also acting weird physically (jerking around or something) it would help.<br /><br />Also in the next scene, I think it'd help if you identified the girls a bit more with dialogue and narration. Rather than talk about doughnut eating, do a bit more to show who each one is as a character, because right now they're indistinguishable.<br /><br />I still really like your voice/concept here, just think you need to clarify some stuff.Chelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.com