tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4152336337899092515..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages October Workshop - MezherMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62577663826326592572012-10-11T20:30:33.970-04:002012-10-11T20:30:33.970-04:00Hi Helene,
I love how beautifully you have built...Hi Helene, <br /><br />I love how beautifully you have built an entire life and civilization within five pages of lyrical prose. That said, I agree with everyone else that perhaps the result is a bit dense. Consider slowing down a little and making it easier for readers to process the action and react to it. P.j. gave you fantastic examples of images that breezed past too fast for clarity. Look for those throughout and give us time to appreciate the world and the incredibly tense situation. Let us feel it. <br /><br />Michael has a definite point about the voice, but I am not worried about that. The story may end up being more appropriate for an adult audience, but you will find readers if you simplify and direct our eyes to what's most important to the story question.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />Martina<br />Martina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-47626888886766879692012-10-11T11:00:23.767-04:002012-10-11T11:00:23.767-04:00Overall, this is beautiful prose with images that ...Overall, this is beautiful prose with images that are drawn so nicely. It’s pretty writing and kind of reminds me of a deep, rich fantasy that promises to deliver. I love that!<br /><br />With that said, there are a couple things I want to mention.<br />In some cases, it seems there is so much focus on the lyrical writing that I am getting lost in the writing and cannot find the story inside. The language, though beautiful, tends to be a bit confusing because of the use of the imagery. And in addition, some of the descriptors do not seem to fit and further confuse. <br />An example is “hair slithering.” At this point, my mind is now focused on snakes, not on hair or the oracle and by the time my mind catches back up, I’m left confused. In these cases, for critiques, I will go back and re-read. General readers will not, and may get discouraged. <br />Another example of confusion is “crops shriveled like the women who tried birthing life: bloodied and at their last breath.” I’m not sure who is taking their last breath here, the old women or the babies they birth. And are they giving birth or assisting in births? <br />I’d suggest going through and trimming the descriptors and making sure each sentence is clear. The writing will still be beautiful, and the story will shine through. <br /><br />I’m excited to see where this goes next! I’ll be looking forward to reading the revised version!<br />PJ Hooverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02602205868934777662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8938582293094103162012-10-11T10:44:15.078-04:002012-10-11T10:44:15.078-04:00Your imagery is masterful. However I found the voi...Your imagery is masterful. However I found the voice extremely mature. At first I had thought it was intended to be the POV of an eight-year-old. It took a while before I realized it was a story from the past.<br /><br />The second chapter confused me. I thought the mother had died when she was eight? Unless I had misread it.<br /><br />I think your writing is exceptional, but a bit on the "heavy" side. I know the scene is INTENSE, but I found it a bit exhausting to read.<br /><br />Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64511185328074332972012-10-10T22:07:44.288-04:002012-10-10T22:07:44.288-04:00I agree with Lisa on moving the second paragraph t...I agree with Lisa on moving the second paragraph to the beginning. Your writing is beautiful and I'm definitely intrigued. <br /><br />I'm curious, though, as to why she's the one who has been singled out. How did that happen? And, why is her mother missing? <br /><br />I love the ending of the first chapter. "As if in response, the flames roared." <br /><br />Heather Helenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08800781359655373969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-18134270874190572102012-10-10T15:45:01.126-04:002012-10-10T15:45:01.126-04:00First of all, I think this would make a killer ope...First of all, I think this would make a killer opening: "Incense burned on every street corner, while laments wailed for the dead, and those still clasped within the clutches of the plague. Livestock aged and died within weeks, and crops shriveled like the women who tried birthing life: bloodied and at their last breath. As lightning slashed its sword through the night, so did my familial mob, carrying herbs, tonics, and staffs ablaze. I was the root of the evil, they said, and they had come to purge the city."<br />Your writing is very pretty, but do be careful not to cover up the plot and character. I'm not saying you do, just that you have to watch for it. Though speaking of character, I'd like to get a better sense of who the protagonist is. What makes her unique? Why should I want her to live so badly? That said, it really grabbed my attention. I'm intrigued by the use of all the birds and the character of the father. I was a bit confused as to the line about her being 8. Also the part where the father shot the bird, I thought he was coming to her rescue for a bit. Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53388868626007173412012-10-09T16:34:41.838-04:002012-10-09T16:34:41.838-04:00I got lost a little bit in the images, not mentall...I got lost a little bit in the images, not mentally taken to another place but maybe that they needed to be broken up a bit. Beautiful writing, however.Laura J. Marshallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08990920672511132500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8185175612009024082012-10-09T13:36:02.175-04:002012-10-09T13:36:02.175-04:00Helene-Your intro completely intrigued me! I love ...Helene-Your intro completely intrigued me! I love the flow of the words and the sense of a different time and the importance of this ceremony.<br /><br />However, I'm not sure what the significance means and I don't know if this was purposely done. She is going to be superior--but can we see why or is this something that must be a journey?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com