tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post4150521811057316715..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages October Workshop - Entry #3, Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-39114526908046665872011-10-20T11:44:13.809-04:002011-10-20T11:44:13.809-04:00Hi Steph,
Okay, there is a lot here that is great...Hi Steph,<br /><br />Okay, there is a lot here that is great, and I get the sense that you are seeing the scene more clearly. Not everything you see needs to go onto the page though. As Lisa said, your voice and story are here, so it's time to pullall the different elements together, prioritize the camera lens and choose what to show to readers, with the understanding that you can only show them--especially in these critical first 5 pages--what is imperative to the story, to engaging the reader's sympathy, and to setting the mood, tone, theme, and opening image. <br /><br />My main problems still have not been resolved. I don't seen how the bangs connect to the accident, and I don't understand the accident that happens to her hand. What did she hit? Was it intentional on Becca's part? And is there a way that the bangs genuinely contributed to it? For me, those are the critical questions, and those are the very ones that I'm not getting answered. Often, when I get myself into that kind of a muddle, writing around a problem trying to patch it with words, it's because there's a disconnect between what CAN happen and what I WANT to have happen. Step back and examine this. <br /><br />Also, the scholarship information, the marsh, the humidity, all that feels very real and it is information YOU, the writer, needs to know. However, now it's time to internalize it and put in just the minimal telling details of all of those elements to ground the story without derailing it. For example, IF Becca is the antag, and the central question is somehow related to competition between them, and it's because Becca is feeling threatened by a player who should be no threat, and Ace is feeling resentful because Becca doesn't need the money, then:<br /><br />1) The bangs can be a good metaphor if Becca hides behind them -- which means they have to be long bangs. Long bangs can drip water into her face, they can lengthen as they get wet so that they get into her eyes -- but only if she isn't wearing a cap. Could Becca somehow take her cap?<br /><br />2) Is Becca somehow related to the physical object that Ace hits? Is she standing too close with the umbrella and it's the shaft of the umbrella that gets in the way? Did she step closer to whisper something intimidating or demeaning? Something about the bangs? Something about real golfers don't wear bangs, maybe? Something about confidence or earning your place or something ironic--anything at all, I'm just trying to get you to thing.<br /><br />3) The scholarship stuff rings true, but Ace would know EXACTLY what the money is earmarked for and how it is distributed if she is counting on it to get to college. Having her not know makes us think less of her. Also, the amount of page time spent on the scholarship is out of balance, so it comes across as whiny. If she needs money for college, and needs a golf win to get there, and the team scholarship is a problem because of actual regulations in high school golf, then can you invent some tournament at which only she and Becca will come be competing that is not a school-sponsored event? Something that Becca wins every<br />year but Ace is planning to enter? <br /><br />Forgive me, I'm not trying to ram solutions down your throat. I'm simply pointing out that it feels like you are trying to cheat the reader because you are imposing a story over real world elements that don't quite fit. If you fix that, I believe everything else will fall in place, and you will also find yourself working less hard to make the writing work.<br /><br />And as far as the details and extra information that you've added go, they will still be there. Simply show them in the action. Make those the details that add authenticity and anchor us in Ace's world. <br /><br />We've all been here. First chapters can drive you nuts until something suddenly clicks, one piece of the puzzle falls into place, and reveals how everything else must fit together.<br /><br />You're almost there. Believe in yourself and your story. You can do it.<br /><br />Hugs,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-2005203904420359492011-10-19T05:46:25.683-04:002011-10-19T05:46:25.683-04:00I agree with Beth that I liked the last revision b...I agree with Beth that I liked the last revision better. It seemed more crisp. Perhaps it is the addition of all the back story. Some of the newer sentences are awkward, as others have pointed out. Reading aloud really does help. I'd save the new details for later in the story.Katie O'Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17295418503546522882noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91149997940653108832011-10-19T01:47:57.083-04:002011-10-19T01:47:57.083-04:00I think reading aloud would help a lot. I know if ...I think reading aloud would help a lot. I know if did for me. It helps with things like missing commas. I felt a little breathless reading through this! I was also a little distracted by the number exclamation points (hypocrite, right?). Trust her voice to carry the drama, not the punctuation. The good news is that you have all the story there. No it's just a matter of refining. Good luck!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53554924822473757572011-10-18T00:41:38.542-04:002011-10-18T00:41:38.542-04:00Steph, again, I like your story and your MC. I'...Steph, again, I like your story and your MC. I'm feeling sorry for her the whole time with the bangs, being part of a sorry team, the unsympathetic coach, the parents out of town, etc. But like Lisa said, you have added too much to the story, and, to me, it's drowning out Ace's true voice (the one you started with in the 1st round).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-43569709117633425202011-10-17T23:36:25.160-04:002011-10-17T23:36:25.160-04:00You need to do two things for sure. The good news ...You need to do two things for sure. The good news is they are fairly straight forward. 1. fix the tense. Decide if you are going past or present and stay there. Your first paragraph for example is past. Your second is present. There are other places where you switch within the paragraph. It's distracting from your good writing. 2. Fix the grammar and structure issues. For example the last line in your first paragraph is awkwardly worded. There are a couple of those. Just read out loud to catch it.<br /><br />As to the story, I think you've added too much. I think it's weighing down the story and the forward progression. Get to the injury a little faster and make the trip to the ER shorter. I would also personally advise cutting the bangs (ouch, forgive the pun). <br /><br />Still great writing. Good balance of world and voice. So you've got the more difficult aspects!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56187525980697229322011-10-17T23:01:37.307-04:002011-10-17T23:01:37.307-04:00Hi Steph,
It's interesting to see how you'...Hi Steph,<br /><br />It's interesting to see how you're changing this with each revision, but right now, I feel like I had a better image of what was happening from revision #2. Thoughts follow.<br /><br />• I think your first line is a good hook, but the bangs are having less and less to do with the story. At first, they were a real distraction to her. Now, they don't seem as important. Are you going to leave them in there?<br /><br />• There were places where the wording felt awkward. (Example "Becca’s smirk promised not just the rainy weather outside would make the next four hours painful.") I stumbled over these spots and had to go back and reread them. Maybe read it aloud to help find places like this.<br /><br />• Felt like there was a decrease of voice, possibly because there was an increase in backstory and narrative. I think the trick would be to keep more dialogue but make it move the story.(?)<br /><br />Anyway, hope it helps. : )Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.com