tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3801145363224994137..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: #63 brendaoMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-59951778901984096012010-07-08T16:17:44.763-04:002010-07-08T16:17:44.763-04:00Wow. Thanks so much for this opportunity; these co...Wow. Thanks so much for this opportunity; these comments have been extremely helpful! I'm glad I found your blog -- not only for this contest but for all of the inspiring stuff to be found here!brendaonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-58519906894016736142010-07-07T12:24:23.056-04:002010-07-07T12:24:23.056-04:00I'm going to echo everyone here in that I thin...I'm going to echo everyone here in that I think this story has great pototential. While reading through this, the only thing I really stumbled over were the sentences themselves - some long and awkward. I think a little sentence tightening is all you'll need to really get your opening to pop!<br />Example<br />Before - "If this were a movie, you’d be hearing an Elvis tune right now, the soundtrack to my life." <br />After - "If my life were a movie, the soundtrack would be entirely Elvis."Cole Gibsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08384758019054580574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-57034334063697457142010-07-07T10:59:45.780-04:002010-07-07T10:59:45.780-04:00I'm a pretty big Elvis fan myself, and I'v...I'm a pretty big Elvis fan myself, and I've never heard that song. But I love the quirky voice of the MC. If this background info keeps going though, I might be a little turned off. So far, so good!Lacey J Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17930985573303127061noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64361769625508738792010-07-06T21:40:17.161-04:002010-07-06T21:40:17.161-04:00brendao - quirky story, rock on!
You mention, ri...brendao - quirky story, rock on! <br /><br />You mention, right off the bat, that Elvis songs provide the soundtrack to your MC's life - and yet, you've only given us one example, birth. How about another couple of equally poignant and quirky examples? Providing those, we are led into a deeper connection with the mom who buys the chip off of Ebay; we understand that this chip is not some funny whim of hers, it really means something important to her. I agree with the above comments, this ebay paragraph could be streamlined.<br /><br />I love how you started the third paragraph, I feel that there needs to be another phrase there at the end, though. You're leaving me hanging! "...which also happens to be my school" AND WHERE WHAT? <br /><br />Seriously, what?? :) Love your MC's voice. I'd read more.Melissa Hedhttp://www.energymattershealing.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-26280330427633545202010-07-06T20:09:50.597-04:002010-07-06T20:09:50.597-04:00I have to agree with the above two comments...part...I have to agree with the above two comments...particularly Maurissa's about the third sentence. <br /><br />I do love this though, your MC has a very distinct voice which is so instantly likable, it attracts me to the story. <br /><br />Nice!Leahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02051223823756691380noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64234204673473502512010-07-06T19:59:54.510-04:002010-07-06T19:59:54.510-04:00I like this, too. My suggestions are similar to Ma...I like this, too. My suggestions are similar to Maurissa's, since I think you could maybe tighten the opening sentences to be a little more succinct. Setup-wise, I love it--the voice is great and the potato chip factoid is a terrific way to show that the mc's mom is her middle school principal.Ara Burklundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03449683179737319913noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-78232635128912843182010-07-06T11:53:19.399-04:002010-07-06T11:53:19.399-04:00Hi bredao-
I really love this beginning! It has h...Hi bredao-<br /><br />I really love this beginning! It has humor and a lovely quirkiness and I want to keep reading! I really only have minor suggestions. I am not familiar with the song "The Twelfth of Never"- so I'm guessing a lot of young readers won't be either. I would pick an Elvis song that's more famous- just to avoid any hangup of the reader's attention. The third sentence is quite long and I would consider breaking it up and shortening: a period after secretly, then: Mom is Elvis crazy. She even bought a potato chip on Ebay that looked like him....<br />I think this would give a little more variety and tempo to the sentences.<br />But these are minor picks- Great job!<br /><br />MaurissaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com