tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3740610717956945929..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-14065428413034980092011-04-21T14:17:12.986-04:002011-04-21T14:17:12.986-04:00Thanks Everyone,
I'm hard at work on the revi...Thanks Everyone,<br /><br />I'm hard at work on the revisions... you've all given me a lot of good feedback and hopefully the next version will be even better.<br /><br />Best Wishes,<br />Joseph<br /><br />PS: Have a Happy Easter!Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-82011729209668931692011-04-18T11:23:03.981-04:002011-04-18T11:23:03.981-04:00What else can I say? This is a fantastic revision....What else can I say? This is a fantastic revision. You've managed to weave all the mystery, all the necessary details into nice tight narrative. <br /><br />There are some great lines in there, like: "Were my brothers playing another birthday prank on me? It’d be just like them to superglue my present to the porch." That tells us volumes about the relationship. <br /><br />And I especially like "It wasn’t like they were keeping national secrets under their house or anything." Foreshadowing or red herring? Either way, great!<br /><br />I agree that some of these sentences could be combined into paragraphs to keep it from being choppy, and to leave single lines for emphasis. A few examples:<br /><br />"...under the arms. They carried me..."<br />"... in identical pairs). On the count of three..."<br /><br />I agree the carrot/grandma thing could be condensed.<br /><br />And one quick line edit: "Their timing" not "There timing" :)<br /><br />Stellar work!Jenna Wallacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07591399291903261245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-24273532433521629852011-04-17T13:04:05.353-04:002011-04-17T13:04:05.353-04:00Great job on this revision!!! I love the added par...Great job on this revision!!! I love the added part about Avery trying to sneak into the basement. I also love the little detail about all of his brothers being twins - so cool, and so mysterious. Like the above comments said, I think there are moments where the voice can be improved, but overall this is a MUCH better version! Also, I love that you added the bit about Avery trying to lift the box - you've packed so many mysteries into this I just want to keep reading! I agree that you could maybe speed up the part where he's in the kitchen with his grandmother, it was a little slow for me, also. But mostly because I want to keep reading just a little farther to find out what the brothers have for him! Great work this week!Christine L. Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15678937811363853702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-23910235184265912242011-04-16T23:41:23.740-04:002011-04-16T23:41:23.740-04:00Hey NICE JOB! I really felt the voice coming throu...Hey NICE JOB! I really felt the voice coming through much better. I was right with Avery, and especially liked the portion where he was trailing along bugging his grandpa about the box. Just a few spots to smooth over. <br /><br />Examples: "slipped into a daydream, imagining what would happen if a radioactive spider bit me." You can cut right to I imagined what would would happen" Or even come up with a craftier way to say it that keeps us in the moment. The mechanics of slipping into a daydream aren't important, what's important is that we slip in with him if that makes sense. <br /><br />"It wasn’t like they were keeping national secrets under their house or anything." Maybe make the comparison to something you've already mentioned, like a secret lab with radioactive spiders or something. <br /><br />Great work! Loving it! And I TOTALLY want to know what's in both packages!!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-17633392531399279412011-04-16T13:43:25.439-04:002011-04-16T13:43:25.439-04:00I agree with Heather. AWESOME revision. You've...I agree with Heather. AWESOME revision. You've nailed exactly what needs to go into this scene. Love how you've got the brothers woven in, love the package delivery, love how you've made him want to sneak into the basement. This is so much more active! <br /><br />Apart from what Heather already noted (and fwiw, "frisky" is one of those not-the-right-voice words as well as the graph coming out of the blue), I think you're ready to start polishing up sentence construction. You've got a huge block of sentences (and paragraphs) that all start with "I" -- change those up some. Also, you've got a lot of one line paragraphs. That's great for emphasis, but really consider when it's necessary. Otherwise, you lose the effect. Think it through and consider it in context of your pacing.<br /><br />I'm so proud of you. This is a HUGE jump! YAY!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-85052158821039240832011-04-16T12:49:03.902-04:002011-04-16T12:49:03.902-04:00Hi Joseph,
I'm impressed by your revisions th...Hi Joseph,<br /><br />I'm impressed by your revisions thus far, you've gotten a much better handle on the voice. You've also done a good job narrowing the chapter down to its important elements--the comics, the boy's dreams of becoming a super-hero, the box, the basement and the brothers. At this point, my biggest concern is to the issue of pacing. The chapter seems to get bogged down in places. For instance, there's a lot of time between the box showing up and the appearance of the three sets of twins (btw, love this detail) dragging our poor mc out to the backyard? I like that the brothers do that, but i'm not sure I need all the time peeling carrots or setting the table.<br /><br />I've added a few specific comments:<br /><br />Here the 11-yo voice gets lost--As I flipped through Spider-Man’s origin story, I slipped into a daydream, imagining what would happen if a radioactive spider bit me.<br /><br /><br />Love this, I can really see a kid doing this--I banged the back of my head against the couch. Couldn’t I have five minutes of uninterrupted reading time?<br /><br />I'd cut this part, because you've already mentioned the brothers 2x and it gets redundant--“I’ll be down in a minute.” While waiting for him, I rummaged through the bushes. My brothers weren’t there. Maybe the box wasn’t a gag gift after all. Or my brother had a better hiding place.<br /><br />This paragraph came out of nowhere for me. I just didn't get that bad luck followed Avery--I cringed. My nickname would’ve been great for someone else, but not for me. I didn’t have a fortunate bone in my body. Bad luck followed me around like a frisky black cat with extra sharp claws. It pounced at the worst possible times (like when I was trying to sneak into a basement).<br /><br />Looking forward to the next pass!<br />HeatherHeather Tourkinnoreply@blogger.com