tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3707024560840593763..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages July Workshop - Hollinbeck Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-65622391794994835142012-07-21T11:50:46.237-04:002012-07-21T11:50:46.237-04:00Really helpful comments, Sarah. I hope I've sm...Really helpful comments, Sarah. I hope I've smoothed things out on the next revision. Thanks.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-30161819120303650012012-07-21T11:49:45.094-04:002012-07-21T11:49:45.094-04:00Thanks, Jess. All comments are helpful. I do need ...Thanks, Jess. All comments are helpful. I do need the stickball scene in the first chapter, but think I may have found a way to keep it. I look forward to hearing what you think on the next round.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-65651642454234003622012-07-21T11:48:19.514-04:002012-07-21T11:48:19.514-04:00Thanks, Marissa. Really helpful comments. I really...Thanks, Marissa. Really helpful comments. I really need the stickball scene in the first chapter, but after reading everyone's comments, I think I may have found a way to make it work. I look forward to more comments next week.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-804190556424500002012-07-21T11:46:14.545-04:002012-07-21T11:46:14.545-04:00Thanks, Becca. I really need the stickball scene i...Thanks, Becca. I really need the stickball scene in the first chapter, but after reading all the notes, I think I may have found a way. By the way, I received my copy of The Emotion Thesaures yesterday. I'm looking forward to spending some time looking through it soon. What I've seen looks great!Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-5295248653813044012012-07-21T00:19:03.192-04:002012-07-21T00:19:03.192-04:00Thanks, Shelley. I need to keep all that stuff in ...Thanks, Shelley. I need to keep all that stuff in the first chapter. It's nice to know it works for some readers! We'll see how folks like the next iteration.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-37841392935891366852012-07-20T13:16:28.835-04:002012-07-20T13:16:28.835-04:00Hi Rosi!
Well you certainly have way with words -...Hi Rosi!<br /><br />Well you certainly have way with words - I LOVE the imagery your descriptions conjure up:<br /><br />"When she laid her hand on his arm, it was as if a dry autumn leaf had landed there"<br /><br />This sums up so beautifully how fragile his mother is and I can immediately picture her in my mind. The penguin walking was awesome as well - so many visual gems in this.<br /><br />I agree with whats been said above. I would love to see the pace slow down a bit - I want to linger on the porch a little bit more. I want to walk with Freddy to the ball field and be in his worried little head a bit to get to know him and feel what he feels when he is not at play. Show me how his worries wash away when he gets to the ball field and again how the world comes crashing down on him when he hears the bell of the streetcar. You have told me these things but I want you to use those great visual descriptions you are so good at to show me.Shelley Koonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14593426180496597520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-86875534655888022182012-07-19T15:14:38.537-04:002012-07-19T15:14:38.537-04:00Thanks, everyone. Good suggestions and good confir...Thanks, everyone. Good suggestions and good confirmation for me! I think it's getting better and hope you will agree after seeing this week's post. I just figured out how to subscribe to the comments, so I'm hoping I don't need to copy each of you.Rosihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294774973863802821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-673364208710106422012-07-19T09:29:05.956-04:002012-07-19T09:29:05.956-04:00Comments above are right on. I did find myself won...Comments above are right on. I did find myself wondering if the new opening scene with the mother (which I'm glad you added) should have been just a little longer and emotional. Maybe it's as simple as showing us Freddy lying his mother down and what that emotional pull is to have the roles reversed (him in many ways like the parent and her as the child in need). <br /><br />I think Freddy should be encouraged by the sisters to go and we see this reluctance on his part to leave his mother. That will further strengthen the bond do when he leaves we feel even sadder.<br /><br />I agree with previous edits that this could be a little less jumpy in terms of all the settings Freddy is at within just 5 pages. I think the ending is even stronger if you end it in dialogue (perhaps his father putting a hand on Freddy's shoulder and saying the four words that would change his life forever, "Freddy, you can't stay."). Obviously you don't have to use those exact words but I want us as readers to have this information sink in at the same time Freddy does and given that brief pause to consider all that it means for him. <br /><br />This is a very strong piece on the whole and is definitely coming along. Good job.SCRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10693280919426091466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-65387979356722270082012-07-18T00:27:18.808-04:002012-07-18T00:27:18.808-04:00I LOVE what you've done here~ I get a real sen...I LOVE what you've done here~ I get a real sense of the family unit and bonding with his sisters (in fact, if you wanted to keep that last line in, you could have one of his sisters angrily point it out to the other sister as Freddy is gathering his stuff to leave the house in the coming pages). I'm back and forth on his first emotions at the drastic news, and I'm inclined to say keep it as it is (I like how you have Freddy's voice drop to a near whisper as he gives suggestions on how he might stay). Depending on Freddy's character, I think anger IS actually one of the first responses in some ages. I remember getting a lot of initial "No fair!" type of responses from my older kids when they were that age, later followed by the realization that they wouldn't be getting what they wanted even by getting mad. That's when the truth and sadness really sunk in. I would totally buy that Freddy would feel angry at the sight of his Dad getting up to refill his beer glass. Followed by loneliness and despair upon leaving the house.<br /><br />THAT SAID, I totally see what Becca is saying in her comment about ending on his vulnerability. So...this comment is pretty unhelpful in terms of pointing you toward a revision. I do agree with the others about being able to nix the baseball bit for now, just to help the flow. Overall, I really love the tone of these pages and enjoyed reading them!!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-71785924405794923662012-07-16T21:42:43.873-04:002012-07-16T21:42:43.873-04:00Hi Rosi! I was excited to see what changes you'...Hi Rosi! I was excited to see what changes you'd make this week and you certainly didn't disappoint. I enjoyed the emotional connection Freddy and his mother have and the early sense of her fragility. You crafted that in seemlessly!<br /><br />Like Becca, I struggle with the baseball portion. I love the image of Freddy walking like a penguin and twirling the stickball stick because we see that childish/playful side of him. That said, I don't want to let my love of the image cloud the fact that I felt like it was too much switching around of scenery. You do a great job of building Freddy as likable/loving through his interactions with the family. I also agree that the last paragraph is almost something you need to allow the reader to work out for themselves. They will see Freddy's father for who he is by virtue of the fact that he's having Freddy go get his beer before throwing him out as a young boy (not to mention the fact that this will cut him off from his mother and sisters and this is heartbreaking!). I had the same thought as Becca above when I read the scene-- the backstory of Mama slowed things down at that spot for me.<br /><br />I am so impressed by the addition of the family scene up front and it truly resonated with me much more strongly by the chapter's end. Looking forward to next week. Great work!Marissa Graffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03120823155731859924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-56336861643547794082012-07-16T21:15:09.371-04:002012-07-16T21:15:09.371-04:00Okay. I LOVE the new scene with Freddy and his mot...Okay. I LOVE the new scene with Freddy and his mother and sisters. It shows so clearly the dynamic between the four of them. But there are quite a few scene changes here that make it a little jerky--the porch, playing ball, the speakeasy, back home. My advice is to cut the bit playing ball. It's only a paragraph long and doesn't further the plot of the story. Instead, maybe show him having to stop reading because he's got to go meet Poppa. Show his reluctance, not wanting to leave Mama, and his anxiety, that he doesn't want to be late. Show the girls' agreement as they shoo him out and assure him they'll get Mama upstairs. Then you can describe the setting and his architect aspirations (great addition, btw) as he hurries along. I'd also like to see a little more anxiety at the speakeasy; he's interested in the game, but he absolutely does not want to get home late. All of this, I think, will add tension while maintaining a smooth flow.<br /><br />Secondly, the scene with Poppa is interrupted a bit by the backstory about Mama, the girls, and even the older brothers. I advise cutting those two paragraphs to keep the pace moving.<br /><br />And lastly, the ending has the potential to be so incredibly powerful, but for me, it falls a little flat. I think part of it is due to Freddy's mild emotional response to Poppa's announcement. At first, absolutely, I like that he's not really responding, like it's taking a while to sink in. But it should sink in right there at the end. Show what he's feeling: tears, or a tightening in his belly, or legs that begin to tremble, or a quivering voice. The final paragraph, also needs to be phrased in a way to show his emotion. It sounds angry right now, and I don't imagine he'd be angry just yet. Also, you want the reader to really feel for him, and anger doesn't quite get that done. I think despair would work better in terms of keeping him vulnerable through the chapter's end. Let him make the connection between Poppa's beer and his inability to keep Freddy, but let it sink in with despair, and show it through bodily cues so the reader will feel it, too. Make the ending memorable and powerful by ending it on the lowest note possible.<br /><br />Great job so far. Talk to you soon :).Becca Puglisihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08945707666707799601noreply@blogger.com