tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3421714504797563809..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Wedgbrow - Rev 3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-70091286641091766692012-03-30T16:03:29.231-04:002012-03-30T16:03:29.231-04:00This is great! I can hear her voice all the way th...This is great! I can hear her voice all the way through, and I do like her. However, when she says, "It’s official. I’ve just fallen in love with this guy." It feels kind of premature, something a 12- or 13-year-old girl would think to herself? It caught me off guard in the previous drafts, too, but this time especially. <br /><br />It was also a little strange that there's five paragraphs between Will calling her over and then commenting on her lunch box. It feels like an unnecessary pause. Can you weave her inner monologue in between their conversation? I think it'd help improve the flow a little :)<br /><br />Otherwise, this is fantastic. I'd totally keep reading :)Jessica Silvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10265579216725914883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-28588389320568537192012-03-30T15:24:25.233-04:002012-03-30T15:24:25.233-04:00Hi Sarah,
I totally like the fact that Bruce Lee ...Hi Sarah,<br /><br />I totally like the fact that Bruce Lee talks to her, and Mr Miyagi. Great job setting up the 'He who shall not be named'. Makes me want to know who it is, and why she calls him that. Jack is a fun character, despite all that is going on around her. Hope to read her story soon! :)Cecilia Roberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04416564789369523352noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-33503380609538902682012-03-29T21:21:30.256-04:002012-03-29T21:21:30.256-04:00I so love Jack's voice too and the set-up of w...I so love Jack's voice too and the set-up of whether Will is interested in her or her sister. I love an underdog,and I know that's what Jack is. Hope I get to see more of her soon!Amyhttp://amylovesya.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-38027209560058097202012-03-29T11:40:16.985-04:002012-03-29T11:40:16.985-04:00Still love the voice! I think you've done well...Still love the voice! I think you've done well with the revisions. It's probably my mushy brain, but that second sentence "my killer moves," threw me. So nit picky, but could you put that later on the list instead so I'm firmly grounded in what you're talking about? <br />I enjoy the story and the voice, and would definitely keep going!!! Great job!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com