tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post338416200414448476..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages Workshop - May Rev 1: Entry #5Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-58118109510241509032011-05-19T19:46:14.391-04:002011-05-19T19:46:14.391-04:00Hi Carrie,
So sorry it's taken me so long thi...Hi Carrie,<br /><br />So sorry it's taken me so long this week. It's been hectic chez moi. <br /><br />I still love this story, and I adore your characters. You've made some good changes, but I think we may have steered you a little bit wrong with some of the voice changes. I have to say that I strongly prefered the other phrasing--it gave him more character and made it clear he hung out with geniuses and adults. Now he sounds like a 14 year old girl. I miss the "criminy" and "bogus" -- and I think you can make words like this really work by having Grandpa say one or two of the same words somewhere. <br /><br />I love the Mwahaha, but think it may work better when he's really ranting just before Grandpa moves. <br /><br />But those are all minor, tweaky things. My primary suggestion for this week is to read this aloud several times. Listen for the voice and the smoothness, areas where you can use some bridges and transitions, for example where you took out the Dwayne the Dweek reference and moved it down, the wiggling the finger in the ear now doesn't have the same rhythm. I think that could either be the start of a new paragraph and create the action beat to go with Grandpa's next dialogue. <br /><br />Also listen hard for the places where information and backstory interrupt the flow. The area with the red hair, for example. You've snuck in your description beautifully, but look to see what is necessary here, versus somewhere a little bit later. You've got such a great voice and such a great premise, I'd love to see you get even more action into this first few pages. But again, for me, it all comes down to flow. Your last version flowed really well. This one is a little bit less successful for me, but I suspect it just hasn't been reworked as much. Just give it a few passes aloud and I think you'll see what I mean.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-46214706275410869502011-05-19T01:32:43.127-04:002011-05-19T01:32:43.127-04:00Soooooo cute! I love that you added in the knight ...Soooooo cute! I love that you added in the knight blocking the queen. :-) I would live to read more and know more about this fanny pack.Sara-Marissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16155108851058013752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-61437513617910650992011-05-15T22:18:40.768-04:002011-05-15T22:18:40.768-04:00Great stuff, Carrie!Great stuff, Carrie!Liz Flahertyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06794565644883272260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91346500628686454322011-05-15T21:57:31.259-04:002011-05-15T21:57:31.259-04:00Nobbly bits is hilarious.
The only thing that tri...Nobbly bits is hilarious.<br /><br />The only thing that tripped me up is that you say, "Dad said," soon after "Mom said." Maybe reword the clause about cigar smoking to be something like: years of cigar smoking will do that.<br /><br />But that's the only thing I can come up with. I love this and so want to keep reading.Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-57794812922085470832011-05-15T11:30:38.302-04:002011-05-15T11:30:38.302-04:00Lisa hit on most of the things that gave me pause ...Lisa hit on most of the things that gave me pause as well. <br /><br />I still think he sounds younger than thirteen and I think the phrase "darn near thirteen" is one of the reasons. I reads more like eleven to me.<br /><br />You might let the reader know how long it will take Dwayne to get home and how he's getting there. He doesn't have to be home until 4:00 and it's 3:30--if he has to walk across town or ride his bike a while, that seems like a reasonable start (this coming from a chronically late person).<br /><br />Okay, that's all I got. Great job, Carrie. Still loving it.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-81388875295702572892011-05-15T03:06:12.182-04:002011-05-15T03:06:12.182-04:00*snort* "nobbly bits" *dies* You really ...*snort* "nobbly bits" *dies* You really cracked me up here! I don't know how 12 year old boys will relate to that, but for me it was hysterical. <br /><br />Sorry. I digress. This was still great. Still funny and quirky and wonderful. Still LOVE Grandpa. I can really only find a couple of things and they are minor. 1. You start with dialogue, which some say is a no-no. Not sure if I agree, but I can tell you that the line sitting there at the top is ambiguous and MAY throw people off. Totally up to you, but I thought I'd point that out. 2. Certain words - particularly "darn near" sound cute, but again don't think I'd hear my son say something like that. :D The parenthesis toward the top was a little distracting and I don't think it's necessary. And as much as I love a good evil villain laugh, I don't think the Mwahahaha there is necessary either. <br /><br />Yup. That's literally all I've got for you. Fun story!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com