tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post318818369288644043..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages December Workshop - Shelley, Rev 3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-19702752507475891402011-12-28T01:17:36.818-05:002011-12-28T01:17:36.818-05:00Hi! First let me say that between this and your fi...Hi! First let me say that between this and your first version - this is amazing! You had the voice, but now it's solid, and well-balanced. That said, I have to let you know These two paragraphs bugged me a little bit. The first because offhandedly mentioning that his dad is in jail as backstory just doesn't work. It would be more of a big deal than just that mention. And the second is a bit too much telling. We get that trait of Greer's when you say later she was quiet, which was quite a feet. :D <br /><br />"Greer didn’t ask about my father because the entire town of Walburn <br />knew he sat in a jail cell for the murder of a policeman in our <br />restaurant eight years ago.<br /><br />“Mom’s at the hospital with Ben. House is empty. Of course, if you <br />don’t trust me alone with you,” I spread my hands. Greer and Lucky had <br />been going out for about six months. She drove me crazy with her <br />constant talking and asking questions, and I wasn’t sure Lucky was in <br />it for love. But Greer was cute. She had long dark, almost black hair <br />that made her skin look like cream and bright blue eyes. She was more <br />than cute. But the chatter was definitely a drawback."<br /><br />I really like your characters. Letting us know about Kenny's tendency not to get involved was also a bit telling too. Can you have Greer "delicately" elude to that incident in conversation? It has to be natural, so be careful, but I think you can do it. <br /><br />Overall, a great read! I'd definitely want to read on. :D Thanks for sharing!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91545792657520135092011-12-27T15:13:23.086-05:002011-12-27T15:13:23.086-05:00I found myself going a little backward with this r...I found myself going a little backward with this revision - Some of what you added (the part about the kid at school smoking dope) seemed extraneous. The parts you took out about Kenny's dad left me with the impression that he's been in jail for the past eight years. <br />The voice is still rock solid and the interaction between Greer and Kenny seems very natural. I think just a little more polishing to make sure you have what you need but not more than you need. <br />It's been great working with you this month:)<br />MarileeMarilee Hayneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16757885702409755120noreply@blogger.com