tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3056961390744151911..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: Pitch Entry #21: RC ShiversMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-82781082557090283082010-09-13T13:57:41.349-04:002010-09-13T13:57:41.349-04:00I agree with the advice to tighten it up a bit, an...I agree with the advice to tighten it up a bit, and with questions about how a young girl can go off on this quest alone (as I recall, her mother joins her).<br /><br />There's a little redundancy in "tropical islands of the Caribbean" -- it's not the frozen tundra of the Caribbean -- and I wonder how Maddie knows the note's author is a boy.<br /><br />Also, while the name is cute, unless it's a talking dog (and I admittedly haven't read the story), I'm not sure Mook's role is key enough to take up space in a one-sentence, quick hit. And, I question how someone can take a dog to the Caribbean,and why she would do it (again, I haven't read the story, so if this is unfair, I absolutely retract it).<br /><br />All that said, I think overall the pitch is very good.<br /><br />So the official "huh?" advice is: tighten it up and add more info. :)<br /><br />Suggestion: The mysterious note she finds in an old bottle at the beach so captivates Maddie that she convinces her mother to take off on a wild Caribbean adventure to find the note's author.Debra Gersh Hernandezhttp://www.thesneakysnackers.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-70013022966248632492010-09-10T20:08:42.804-04:002010-09-10T20:08:42.804-04:00I think your logline sounds really good for your s...I think your logline sounds really good for your story, but like Carol and the others said trim it. I took Carol's and trimmed it a tad more.<br /><br />When 12-year-old Maddie and her puppy Mook find a mysterious old bottle with a message inside, they embark on an adventure in the Caribbean to find the boy who wrote it. <br /><br />Good luck.Natalie Aguirrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03756087804171246660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-9549249338935749112010-09-09T19:23:04.015-04:002010-09-09T19:23:04.015-04:00This sounds pretty fun! Maybe to tighten, which is...This sounds pretty fun! Maybe to tighten, which is all I think this really needs to shine, you could say something like... Maddie and her puppy Mook find a bottle with a message stuffed inside and head on and adventure to the Carribbean to find the mysterious boy who wrote it. <br /><br /> I don't know the details, but you can fill it in with the good, unique stuff : )Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-50167487008965209982010-09-09T19:20:12.752-04:002010-09-09T19:20:12.752-04:00I agree with Carol's trim suggestions. You hav...I agree with Carol's trim suggestions. You have the inciting incident (finding the bottle), and the quest (journey to find the boy), but what does Maddie personally have to overcome? I do love the name "Mook," btw. Best wishes!Michelle L. Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18144191129362767115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48036363326899770032010-09-09T13:34:06.163-04:002010-09-09T13:34:06.163-04:00This basically sounds fine, altho I'm not sure...This basically sounds fine, altho I'm not sure of the logistics of a middle grade girl going off to the islands of the Caribbean. How does she DO that? ;o) I mean, her parents would have to be with her, and she'd have to take a plane there, etc. Also, I'm not sure the first part adds much to the sentence--and in loglines, every word counts. I guess it's mostly the "treasure hunting" part that doesn't seem necessary to tell. And tropical doesn't seem necessary...it's the Caribbean; that's implied. <br /><br />Tightening would be good, such as: When 12-year-old Maddie and her puppy Mook find a mysterious old bottle with a message inside, she is led into an adventure in the Caribbean islands to find the boy who wrote the message.Carol Riggshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14092209912983783974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-29600595777704463332010-09-09T08:53:46.704-04:002010-09-09T08:53:46.704-04:00I think this sounds very good. I would just add th...I think this sounds very good. I would just add the word "who" between boy and wrote.Melissa Gillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02700191547004665402noreply@blogger.com