tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post3004374827955961396..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st Five Pages October Workshop - Entry #2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-74204926514785855192011-10-04T00:47:36.337-04:002011-10-04T00:47:36.337-04:00I do think this is YA and that the prologue slowed...I do think this is YA and that the prologue slowed down the story, at least for me. If Shea is our MC, I want to stay with him, not his mother. I think prologues can be really great tools for writers. They help us clarify our stories. But I also think they can be dropped most of the time. The start of the first chapter is very visceral. I can feel that tingling in the muscles just reading it. I didn't get the same feeling from the prologue, even though I'm a mother myself and had that hospital experience not that long ago.<br /><br />In a few short sentences, I care about Shea. I want more of him!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-41155590859487478192011-10-03T22:59:37.812-04:002011-10-03T22:59:37.812-04:00Even though I don’t typically read this kind of st...Even though I don’t typically read this kind of story, I was immediately drawn into this one, possibly due to the fact that a mermaid had defied her father, married a human, and bore a son that she knew would never be accepted by her people. However, having the merman come in right after the nurse took the baby away, kind of pulled me away a bit. Plus I felt that Brynn left too easily, especially seeing that she had been bold enough to defy her father and allow a bathtub to suffice as her ocean during nine months of pregnancy so she could keep it secret. I just felt like Brynn should have put up a fight. I need her to have a more compelling reason to just walk away with them and leave her baby. Maybe Tom could wake up and try to put up a fight, then Brynn is captured. And that no one noticed them leaving the hospital kind of takes away from the plausibility of the story. However, none of this matters if you decide to scrap the prologue. I, however, happened to like the prologue.<br /><br />Hope this was helpful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-90870468722381864802011-10-03T22:46:43.071-04:002011-10-03T22:46:43.071-04:00Very intriguing idea, but I was confused in beginn...Very intriguing idea, but I was confused in beginning. Might want to use past perfect tense which shows completed action (I.E. "So the Princess had done the only thing she could...) to make it more clear that it has already happened in the past. Had to read it twice.<br /><br />Just a note: babies don't get shots right after birth. (At least, they didn't last time I had one.) They do sometimes take the baby away so that the mom can sleep.<br /><br />Really got caught up in the story, but I think the soldier would have been more persistent in looking for the baby, and the mother would have been more desperate to get him out of there to save her child. Too easy. A friend rides with a comic book writer to work on the train, and he urges her to add more peril. I guess you can't have too much. ; )<br /><br />Not sure about the prologue. It takes away a lot of the mystery by giving all this information. If you've read Kathleen Duey's Unicorn's Secret series, you know that you simply can't put those books down. They are so masterfully done as the protagonist tries to discover who she is before it is too late. This might be a better route to go.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-29722329429220881072011-10-03T12:33:17.262-04:002011-10-03T12:33:17.262-04:00I hate to tell you this, but I agree with Martina....I hate to tell you this, but I agree with Martina. I was shocked when hearing about falling in love that this was MG. Go from the protag's POV. Let us discover the truth with him. You are clearly a good writer. I think you just started in the wrong place. Don't be afraid to try YA if that's where it's leaning, but I don't know enough of the actual story to know for sure, only you do.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-8263108090943002102011-10-03T11:59:49.131-04:002011-10-03T11:59:49.131-04:00If this is middle grade the main character (I assu...If this is middle grade the main character (I assume who is Shea) is getting burried under so much of the Mother's backstory. I think the prologue could be made better by either removing the extra details of Brynn's life (that she and Tom became engaged at 18, details like that) or just getting rid of it completely.<br /><br />Also, one glaring error I found is Oklahoma isn't halfway between the Pacific and Atlantic ocean. That would be New Mexico or Colorado.<br /><br />I have to second the previous commentor, this isn't Middle Grade. If Shea is in high school, this is YA.Steph Schmidthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00975939582442193113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-47295494643544970862011-10-03T10:57:46.259-04:002011-10-03T10:57:46.259-04:00Hey Katie,
I'm a little thrown by this and do...Hey Katie,<br /><br />I'm a little thrown by this and don't quite know what to say. You did the prologue very well and very completely, adding some intriguing elements to what is--obviously--a very familiar trope. Because of that, although my initial reaction was to think it had been done too many times to be truly original, I'm still intrigued. As you know, prologues are problematic. They really need to add a LOT before they work. Obviously, this does add information that would be very hard to get into the story otherwise. Overall though, I am going to suggest that you do find a way to work it in some other way.<br /><br />Here's why. Your first chapter? The voice is great. THIS is when the piece comes to life and my interest quickened. I wanted more of it. <br /><br />So. Much as I hate to say it--ditch the prologue. Sharpen up the first chapter a little bit, things like letting us know what you mean by back fields and putting the word "tornado" in front of the first instance of "drill." <br /><br />Second. Ditch the idea of doing this as middle grade. It's Young Adult. Go with it. <br /><br />I know you are going to hate hearing this, and that you may not see how to bring the information into the book without the prologue. If you would like to brainstorm, email me and maybe we can talk by phone. I'd be happy to noodle this around with you.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com