tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post29459822407371694..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Carpinello Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-25323425670417748922012-09-14T02:22:42.576-04:002012-09-14T02:22:42.576-04:00Loved it! I really like Rose's irritation with...Loved it! I really like Rose's irritation with the talkative ghost who is screwing up her test-taking and how resigned she is to getting in trouble. At first I thought she was a bit hard-hearted but she really has heard it all. For that reason, I think the ghost who starts talking to her in her room should say or do something different, as the other readers have suggested. Maybe he doesn't talk to her at all? Maybe she knows he's there by the things he does, but because he's not talking, she starts to freak out? And starts talking too much to fill the very weird silence? That would give her some motivation to describe her room. Maybe she's not even sure he can SEE where he is. She could sort of do charades with her stuff to try to get him to respond.<br /><br />What do you think?<br /><br />Onward!<br /><br />--NancyNancy Holderhttp://www.nancyholder.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48603366075760036112012-09-13T21:44:40.468-04:002012-09-13T21:44:40.468-04:00I like how this revision is going. You cut back a...I like how this revision is going. You cut back all of the telling and then show us the protagonist talking with the dead.<br /><br />The only problem I had though is I didn't know who the ghost was. Was it just a random ghost that happens to show up in his class? Also if the protagonist knows about speaking with the dead, wouldn't Rose know better to argue outloud with the spirit?<br /><br />I think I wanted to know a little more about her other than she speaks to the dead. I don't think you need much to do that. <br /><br />I really liked and agreed with the other feedback here.<br /><br />So far looking good! This version is tighter too.<br /><br />Kim Baccelliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05304806976633973536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-57328236116823078442012-09-13T14:50:59.031-04:002012-09-13T14:50:59.031-04:00This is a much tighter version and the main charac...This is a much tighter version and the main character's voice is coming through more strongly. I love it!<br /><br />I was all ready to give you some great advice when I read the comments and suggestions you already received and realized that what I wanted to say has already been said. In fact, I love Cecilia's suggestion for how to move into Rose's thoughts on her books and how important they are to her. That's the only part of the story that felt a bit off to me, but I think her suggestion covers it really well.<br /><br />And Martina also already mentioned the change in tenses that occasionally occurs. <br /><br />I really enjoyed the story!Becky Fyfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01595020500346331076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-48641646276887285842012-09-13T14:42:28.884-04:002012-09-13T14:42:28.884-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Becky Fyfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01595020500346331076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-77705608139435635132012-09-13T13:09:42.760-04:002012-09-13T13:09:42.760-04:00Hi Cheryl,
Very nice revision! I love the way it ...Hi Cheryl,<br /><br />Very nice revision! I love the way it starts now, and I love the way you've played the scene out at school and the hint that she is going to get into trouble because of that first scene, which leads to an urgency to get her homework done before her parents come home. All of that is great.<br /><br />You do have some tense issues that you need to resolve there. <br /><br />"Take today in math class. We <b>are</b> taking this test, see. <b>I’m concentrating</b> real hard on this problem trying to figure height or something. Then <b>I hear</b> this.<br /><br />“Hey you.”<br /><br />I <b>jerked</b> up in my chair, looking around for the guy doing the talking. I <b>glanced</b> at the kids on either side of me. Nothing. I <b>look up</b> at my teacher. He <b>is glaring</b> at me.<br /><br />“Great,” I <b>whispered</b>. <br /><br />You go from present to past to present to past just in this example, and switch several more times before the end of the scene. Either stay entirely in the present, which works because of the strong narration and the setup you used, or switch it entirely to past. I think I would prefer the first option, but it's up to you -- just stay consistent.<br /><br />For me, the second ghost was less successfully-structured. There are several components to this. The most critical is that the introduction of elements in her room is still too obviously an authorial device to introduce things. It isn't motivated strongly enough that I believe the character would say those things. Devices like this genuinely depend on execution. For example, if the ghost is talking, saying something that she doesn't want to hear, and she tries concentrating but that doesn't work to block him out, then maybe tries singing maybe that doesn't work to block him out, then she tries bargaining but that doesn't work, then finally she stands up and starts screaming that this is her space, these are her things, that's her desk, her bed, her things on the bookshelf and she doesn't want to share them -- it *MIGHT* work, but it would still be iffy given the kind of detail that you are trying to impart.<br /><br />And the key is that he would need to be saying something that would move the story forward each time, instead of just repeating her name. You had a great hint in the earlier scene that the ghost wants her to do something.<br /><br />Okay, that's critical. What is it that the ghosts want her to do for them? Presumably, they have been coming to her all along wanting something. Something that she either doesn't know how to give them, or doesn't want to give them. How long has she had this ability? Or was she always aware of ghosts and heard them muttering to themselves, but at least they hadn't seemed aware that she could hear them until after she touched some object at the museum?<br /><br />And if the ghost is in her room and she isn't listening to him, could he possibly interact with the Tut ticket in some way to show that he is a different kind of ghost than all the others? If she is shocked by that, wow would that jump start the story. <br /><br />Please bear in mind that I'm not giving you plot suggestions with the intent that you have to follow them! I'm giving them to you more to suggest areas where the motivation and the plot have to work more cohesively to move us forward in a way that maintains suspension of disbelief. <br /><br />You've got the voice and the story--it's just tweaking here and there. :)<br /><br />Looking forward to reading more!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-29029935824557789802012-09-12T18:58:03.913-04:002012-09-12T18:58:03.913-04:00I really like this revision! I think you added thi...I really like this revision! I think you added this line: Now I have an army of dead people invading my brain. Too bad they can’t do this project for me. (love it!)<br /><br />I agree with Cecilia's comment that her talking out loud about her books would make a lot more sense if the dead person were to knock a book off the shelf or make a comment about it. The other thing to maybe try is hold off on mentioning the books until later and go straight to making some connection to the King Tut ticket.<br /><br />Having the dead guy repeat "Roose" four times also troubled me a little too. It was just too repetitious (I might be particularly sensitive because my kids will say "mom, mom, mom, mom" over and over again and drive me crazy!). Anyway, there might be a good reason for the repetition that we haven't got to yet, but as it stands right now I think some variation would help your readers stay connected. You might also turn it into another opportunity for your great sense of humor.Margo Berendsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-46569893842831365142012-09-11T14:27:52.266-04:002012-09-11T14:27:52.266-04:00Love the first couple of lines. This immediately t...Love the first couple of lines. This immediately tells the reader that this is going to be an unusual story. Love the humor of the dead guy throwing everything back in her face. This is a much tighter revision. It shows a lot more of the kinds of “people” who seek her out, the problems she runs into when she interacts with them, and sets up the King Tut connection, even though I don’t know where it leads. <br /><br />There are a couple of tweaks.<br />“And I told you to get lost.” This was their first interaction.<br /><br />“I refuse to share them with dead people.” This line is confusing because he is simply calling her name. I know you are using this as a segway into the description of her books so we need a better tie into this. Maybe “This is my room, my space. Leave me alone. I don’t want you around me. I don’t want you around my things.”<br />Can this dead guy push a book off her shelf to prove a point, to let her know that he isn’t going anywhere and he doesn’t give a crap about her things? So, as he says her name, he pushes each book off the shelf. She gets angrier and angrier and uses her explanation of the books to explain to him how important her books are. Her nervous blabbering could be her internal reaction to some dead guy pushing books off her shelf too. Just a suggestion.<br /><br />Overall, this is so much better. I don't feel like I am begin pulled in two directions. I think you can tighten a little more (dead guy in geometry class) to keep up with the pacing. You do such a great job with the voice and it sets up the tone of the story very well. I want to know what happens next. I can’t wait until next week.<br />Cecilia (Cici) Ramirez https://www.blogger.com/profile/00890243036035212056noreply@blogger.com