tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post29384549232599672..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Zero Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-17708312878385834022012-08-15T16:44:37.587-04:002012-08-15T16:44:37.587-04:00I thought this version worked much better. The str...I thought this version worked much better. The structure and the dialogue both read more smoothly. Although I would still like to see a little bit of relaxation in the formality of the dialogue, I got a sense that the formality was a part of your MC's character. I get quirky from him. I would like a little bit of a clearer insight into the situation between him and Scout. "You know why" and the bit before it didn't read honestly to me. If Scout knows why, why would she bring it up? This is a personal preference, and openings are really hard, but I would like to get a better grounding before we move on. The paranormal also didn't work for me as well as the very slight hints of something odd about Finn worked in the earlier version. Perhaps because it seems too easy for Finn to show up at the same time that your MC notices something paranormal and shimmery for the first time. It seems as though it would either be so significant a change that everyone else would see it, or that your MC would be too engrossed in the meeting to notice anything just then. Again, this is just my personal take. Everyone will read this kind of thing differently.<br /><br />Great job!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-40428210024794253732012-08-15T03:21:08.933-04:002012-08-15T03:21:08.933-04:00The paranormal bit didn't work for me (sorry)....The paranormal bit didn't work for me (sorry). As well as the squinting and focussing - 'As I did so, I looked in the direction Finn gazed out to.' - just didn't read right to me. (perhaps it's just me, i felt it was clunky). <br /><br />You can't kill Kyle! (Actually, you can if you want to - it just amused me to write that.)<br />Timhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01878752949268111927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-42133324140999892472012-08-14T20:58:11.913-04:002012-08-14T20:58:11.913-04:00Thanks. I'll think on the internal monologue--...Thanks. I'll think on the internal monologue--and those pesky typos.chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-67773781564254902292012-08-14T11:37:03.442-04:002012-08-14T11:37:03.442-04:00I definitely liked this revision better. I just ha...I definitely liked this revision better. I just have a couple of nitpicks. There were a couple of places where there was tense confusion (i.e. I squint my eyes and focused on it.)<br /><br />There were also a few typos toward the end, but I read-through should fix those. <br /><br />This might just be a personal preference, but a lot of Bryan's internal reflections seemed to interrupt the flow of the story. You might consider either eliminating them altogether, or trying to find a way to make them more fluid. i.e. "Hmm, how did it go at the airport-" could be eliminated, or fixed in some way.<br /><br />Good job.The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-73040985569346086602012-08-13T23:29:34.301-04:002012-08-13T23:29:34.301-04:00Thank you!
Would you say I should replace "K...Thank you!<br /><br />Would you say I should replace "Kyle" with "one of my friends"? That seems to carry a little more subtext.<br /><br />Speaking of which, when I was going through in order to add a hint to the fantasy, I realized I accidentally foreshadowed something major. Although it's impossible to determine how effective it is, I hope it's something that the readers will be able to look back on and go "oh my god..."chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-55718124031961593322012-08-13T22:11:26.565-04:002012-08-13T22:11:26.565-04:00Luckily, the new version is the first thing you se...Luckily, the new version is the first thing you see, at least in my version. :)<br /><br />I do like this one much better - it's not confusing, and the main character seems more interesting.<br /><br />I would still kill the name Kyle - since we don't hear anything about him and he's just a side-mention, I don't think he's a character who needs a name just yet. I also feel that the initial conversation between Scout and Bryan was somewhat overly formal ("Although it's irrational" seems a little too analytic for the kind of conversation they were having.)<br /><br />Overall, though, a very interesting and engaging beginning.Leah Cypesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11123736070369470635noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-32313949965794955282012-08-13T16:11:10.268-04:002012-08-13T16:11:10.268-04:00It looks like there have been a few snags this wee...It looks like there have been a few snags this week. :p<br /><br />I think the second version posted in this post is the current one.chihuahuazerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15677672177353350936noreply@blogger.com