tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post286416935827249746..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Page May Workshop - HaynesMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-76411029687559064902012-05-10T00:39:34.558-04:002012-05-10T00:39:34.558-04:00Love the first line, and the rest of that paragrap...Love the first line, and the rest of that paragraph doesn’t disappoint. However I frowned at wanting to scare the mother – I know that’s a perfectly innocent thing for a little kid to do but it still made me wonder if the MC was a brat, and whether I was going to like them.<br /><br />Haha I love the character’s unique thumb-twitch, and the sock moving revelation is brilliantly gross! (Until it becomes a puppy, of course).<br /><br />Love the way you gave the age through the character’s voice, however I agree that he wouldn't describe his hair or clothes so negatively. I like the suggestion about him flattening it because she complains all the time.<br /><br />Mrs. Lucas called my mom if she saw me riding my bike no<br />handed with my eyes closed (just for a few seconds). This line was a little clumsy because I didn’t know whether it was going into a recollection or it was just a general statement.<br /><br />Overall the writing is gorgeous, the characterisation beautiful, and I absolutely loved it. Great job!katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-15892507886139595262012-05-10T00:31:40.525-04:002012-05-10T00:31:40.525-04:00Hi!
I like the voice in this, but it is a very lo...Hi!<br /><br />I like the voice in this, but it is a very low MG. Kat's right about that. Kids that age tend to be willing to read about characters their own age but not characters younger than they are, so you are aging yourself down to the near bottom of the MG spectrum.<br /><br />That said, it's clear your mc is a character--and a unique character at that. I might suggest opening here:<br /><br />My bug-finding feelings were never wrong. My right thumb started twitching, and that’s when I knew there<br />was going to be something under the third bush (descibe location). When I lifted up the lowest branches, I saw<br />something lying in the dirt. It looked like a balled up muddy sock.<br />Then it moved.<br /><br />If you begin with the character and action instead of with the other, I suspect kids will give the character a little more attention. Once you have us hooked, it's easier to go back and develop your intriguing mother dynamic. <br /><br />I would also love a little more instant recognition that the thing curled up under the bush isn't a bug.Give us that and describe how it is different from a bug.<br /><br />I love the idea that your mc thinks the puppy picked him! Nate is adorable.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80658561306085633152012-05-09T11:19:00.946-04:002012-05-09T11:19:00.946-04:00I don't read as much MG as I do YA, but I feel...I don't read as much MG as I do YA, but I feel like this voice in this was a tad young for MG (though it seemed to get a little "older" as the excerpt went on). <br /><br />Nine also seems a bit young for a protagonist in a MG book (I'm used to main characters being more in the eleven to thirteen range). Perhaps this would fit more as a chapter book? But again, I'm not as well-versed in MG, so I could be wrong!<br /><br />I enjoyed the characterization of Mrs. Lucas through Nate's eyes. And of course, I am all for puppies (and sympathize with Nate's longing for one!) :)Kat Zhanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01047061040988353833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80040954050368359212012-05-07T17:41:25.891-04:002012-05-07T17:41:25.891-04:00You got me with the adorable puppy and the kid who...You got me with the adorable puppy and the kid who wants it. AWWWWWWW. I like that your MC reads his age. He seems like the kind of kid that would take the puppy inside and try to hide it or something. I'm not sure he'd leave it there unattended until he got the neighbor. If he decided he needed help from the vet because he was trying to hide it and he was really worried it was sick or something then maybe... <br /><br />As to your structure itself, I noticed that there were many paragraphs starting with "I" which is easy to do in first person. Go through and look at how you use sentence structure and express your MC's thoughts. Try to vary it. I think that will make an already strong voice much stronger. <br /><br />Can't wait to see the revision.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-1917412783068626102012-05-07T16:23:26.233-04:002012-05-07T16:23:26.233-04:00Oh, I want Nate to have this puppy so bad! You hav...Oh, I want Nate to have this puppy so bad! You have really established a great character here. Nice subtle way to drop in his age early. <br /><br />I got caught up when Nate described how Mrs. Lucas looked at his "always sticking up hair" and his dirty soccer cleats. I don't know if a 10 year old boy would think about himself this way. You could keep us more in his head by having him smooth his hair down before he knocks on the door because Mrs. Lucas always says something about it.<br /><br />When Nate told her that he always wanted a puppy, I was thinking "Shh! You're going to blow it!" So yeah, it didn't seem so realistic to me either. <br /><br />I didn't feel the same way about the fact that he didn't pick the puppy up. I work with kids in this age range, and I swear that the one thing that sticks in their brains from watching animal shows is to never touch baby animals! I thought it was very believable. <br /><br />Love it and would definitely keep reading!csoontornvathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10882415834634583783noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-28669372325195887552012-05-06T19:31:31.911-04:002012-05-06T19:31:31.911-04:00Your writing is excellent and this is a great star...Your writing is excellent and this is a great start. I really like how I instantly get a feel for the mc and what he wants (and can't have). <br /><br />My main comment is that I feel Mrs. Lucas hijacked the story. It is suddenly her choices that are moving the narrative forward. I'm always a tad concerned when adults take up so much space. Just in these 5 pages, I don't see the need for her at all - she's not driving the conflict between Nate and his mom. I don't know where you're going with the story of course, but I think it would be so much better if Nate really did go to Katy, or just went to beg his mom on his own. That would be 100% believable - but not so much that he would even go to Mrs. Lucas' husband unless they were already in cahoots to get Nate a puppy.<br /><br />I couldn't quite buy the worry about not touching a baby animal. A kid like Nate would pick up a lost puppy if it wasn't snarling. He doesn't seem like a worrywart about disease or the like. Seems like he'd just pick it up and take it with him.<br /><br />I doubt the mc would tell Mrs. Lucas about the bug hunting. I also have a hard time believing he'd pour out his heart to her about wanting a dog. <br /><br />Looking forward to your revision!Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.com