tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post2673128655895086654..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages October Workshop - Simone Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-18450334897075915682012-10-26T12:14:42.251-04:002012-10-26T12:14:42.251-04:00My eyes followed a bird flying overhead in a cloud...My eyes followed a bird flying overhead in a cloudless sky. It swooped over the water rushing in the river below the bridge. Yet, that wasn’t what caught my attention. The tire tracks from the guardrail into the water did. <br /><br />I think you can delete the above since you mention the guardrail from the previous paragraph and input the tire tracks sentence to make it unite. This is just extra space to where you could have more vital information to move the story along.<br /><br />I love meeting Fin and the stuff you added--works great! The only thing that really trips me up is the first sentence: Nothing could’ve prepared me for seeing my own name etched in a cross on the side of the road. This just makes me feel like she already knows she's dead and so when she is shocked no one can see her, I don't exactly agree unless she thinks it's a dream. Does that make sense?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53732898147887332432012-10-19T09:25:26.595-04:002012-10-19T09:25:26.595-04:00First of all, I really enjoyed the revision. I did...First of all, I really enjoyed the revision. I did find a few super MINOR typos. First, "Shaken to the core, my feet "TO" carried me .." Omit to, and I would use a comma after core, just to slow it down a bit.<br /><br />Second, the other is not a typo, cut you wrote "Blinking back tears" twice within a few paragraphs. I like the prose, but think of something else for one of them... maybe "holding back, preventing, suppressing, blocking....Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-42214703262378677592012-10-19T09:19:16.748-04:002012-10-19T09:19:16.748-04:00First of all, I really enjoyed the revision. I did...First of all, I really enjoyed the revision. I did find a few super MINOR typos. First, "Shaken to the core, my feet "TO" carried me .." Omit to, and I would use a comma after core, just to slow it down a bit.<br /><br />Second, the other is not a typo, cut you wrote "Blinking back tears" twice within a few paragraphs. I like the prose, but think of something else for one of them... maybe "holding back, preventing, suppressing, blocking....Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-37305612716854375622012-10-18T13:36:54.560-04:002012-10-18T13:36:54.560-04:00Hi Heather,
Everyone has pretty much said what ne...Hi Heather,<br /><br />Everyone has pretty much said what needs to be said. Lisa's suggestion will make a huge difference. You really need to be in her head and consider what she is going to be thinking and feeling at any given point. <br /><br />As a further note, consider sentence and paragraph structure as well. Short sentences create a sense of agitation, and I love that you use long sentences in the opening paragraph and then very short sentences after that as she starts to realize what is going on. But be careful not to let that go too long because continued short sentences can create a jarring rhythm. Use them with caution.<br /><br />Also, be careful with your physical responses. I'm still a little confused by what she feels and doesn't feel, and I'd rather have that gone through faster -- she feels cold but no sensation of wetness -- and no drops clung to her fingers. Etc. etc. Speed up where you can to give us time to get a better sense of who she is, which is an mc who seems very likeable, smart, and eminently readable. <br /><br />Eager to read the next revision!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64886682689908763902012-10-17T19:17:59.869-04:002012-10-17T19:17:59.869-04:00Good job slowing down a bit, I think you can conti...Good job slowing down a bit, I think you can continue that when she's at the water though. When it finally sinks in that she's dead, does she brush it off that easily? Let's give her that big moment. The physical description of her and also Fin don't fit, it's forced. You can slip in a detail here and there, but don't stop to describe them. <br /><br />In this paragraph:"My eyes followed a bird flying overhead in a cloudless sky. It swooped over the water rushing in the river below the bridge. Yet, that wasn’t what caught my attention. The tire tracks from the guardrail into the water did." It might be nit picky but if it didn't catch her attention then why so much mention of it? Why not A bird flew through the cloudless sky, swooping over the edge of the water where tire marks... <br /><br />And why do the tire marks make her think it was her? She just saw the bent guardrail and was in denial? Go through and ask yourself these questions and see what you come up with. Great job on the revision so far!Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-72516233148480842972012-10-17T13:31:03.915-04:002012-10-17T13:31:03.915-04:00I think you did great as well. I really like her a...I think you did great as well. I really like her and I like Fin. I would read on. You've pulled me in. The very beginning pp or two about the makeup or texting took me out of the story a bit, but that's it. :) Laura J. Marshallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08990920672511132500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69761232348097349102012-10-17T12:41:07.063-04:002012-10-17T12:41:07.063-04:00Given Phoebe's emotional state when she meets ...Given Phoebe's emotional state when she meets Fin, would the first thing she notice be how cute he is? I think you could include the description of him later, when she's calmer.<br /><br />Otherwise, nice revision!<br /><br />-HeleneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com