tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post2082187338131694809..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - April Entry #4Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62135334540049236752011-04-08T12:19:58.831-04:002011-04-08T12:19:58.831-04:00Thank you everyone for your comments and feedback!...Thank you everyone for your comments and feedback! I have a big job ahead of me.Lisa B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11499350159201423248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-42926220767950275062011-04-05T13:20:29.270-04:002011-04-05T13:20:29.270-04:00As the others have said above, I love the MC's...As the others have said above, I love the MC's voice. I found it very compelling and believable. That said, I too was a little disappointed to find out that the dream was just a dream. I want to know what happened to the innocent mortal girl who died, or about your MC's partner and her old mentor. And switching gears so quickly kind of threw me off. I do think there's enough in the "reality" scene to make a compelling opening. But I would try to add some small details here and there about the Council, or her partner, or her old mentor. Because those details are what made me want to keep reading. Great job, and I can't wait to see what you do with this!Christine L. Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15678937811363853702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-30080452613979326332011-04-04T15:19:37.095-04:002011-04-04T15:19:37.095-04:00As others have mentioned there is a grittiness to ...As others have mentioned there is a grittiness to the MC that is appealing. I also like the oriental undertones and the hints at a nefarious past with Darius, which sets up all sorts of tension. The roommate is an interesting twist. <br />However, I also thought the dream sequence was a bit distracting. The opening grounds the reader and here you ground us in fantasy only to take it away just as things get interesting. As for Martina’s comments about your syntax. I agree with her that you are over-writing. All those extra words are drowning out or muddling your MC’s strong, gritty voice. With some trimming you could make a much more forceful, clear, voice for your MC... one that matches with what you’ve revealed so far.<br />Overall, you’ve got an interesting character and some great writing, but you need to do some trimming so that the voice matches the gritty background of your MC.Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-6024740523310105742011-04-04T14:48:41.200-04:002011-04-04T14:48:41.200-04:00I have to echo the above...I found the dream seque...I have to echo the above...I found the dream sequence followed by reality too confusing. The reality scene had very contemporary elements (tank top, piercings, etc.) sprinkled with references to Darius and Praying Mantis, so I wasn't sure whether she was remembering her dream too vividly or if this is an urban fantasy story. I felt the need to be grounded in reality first.<br /><br />Some lovely language here. I think a little editing for tightness would make it sing.<br /><br />A few points of clarification... she never unsheathes the katana yet she is "scolding myself for nearly cutting her in half"? And I think it would be much more than scolding if she came close! <br /><br />Also, I'm not sure about the use of the word 'poignancy' in the last sentence. Deeply affecting, touching? Do you mean sadness?<br /><br />I'm looking forward to seeing more!Jenna Wallacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07591399291903261245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62760698251547882692011-04-04T13:28:45.202-04:002011-04-04T13:28:45.202-04:00Lisa, I agree with some of the above comments, you...Lisa, I agree with some of the above comments, you've got a gritty, distinctive voice. The way the mc's mind works as she imagines unsheathing her sword is fabulous. <br /><br />I also agree that starting with the dream sequence is jarring. A firm grounding in the ordinary world, as you do when the mc wakes up startled had me hooked. I'm really curious to find out more about this mc.Heather Tourkinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-59067565057787023622011-04-03T17:57:02.637-04:002011-04-03T17:57:02.637-04:00Hi Lisa,
This is intriguing and there's a lot...Hi Lisa,<br /><br />This is intriguing and there's a lot of great things going on, the hint of oriental mysticism, the katana, the roommate's lesbian girlfriend, a hint that she herself might be oriented that way -- was that intentional, or did you mean her echo of "sweet butt" to be sarcastic? Either way, there's a lot to like here.<br /><br />I think the dream sequence is perhaps not the best place to start--especially since in this case, it's essentially a thinly veiled flashback. We can be patient while you ground us in her real world. You've given us plenty of hints that something amazing is going on. The way her hand tightens on the katana when she hears footsteps, the way she envisions it coming out of the sheath--those are brilliant ways to show character as well as get us into the story through action. Love it!<br /><br />You could push that even more, if you wanted to, have the roomate come in trying to be quiet, and have her bolt out of sleep and do something warrior-like. Then have her hear the girlfriend coming and react. Sprinkle some of the council stuff in there, but softly, softly as the expression goes.<br /><br />With respect to the writing, I'd like to offer some overall suggestions. First and foremost, your syntax and use of figurative language often comes at the expense of clarity and movement. This repeatedly pulls the reader out of your story. This has to be corrected.<br /><br />Some examples:<br /><br />"and the silver haired man turned his silver tongue on me."<br /><br />You've mentioned his reptilian features several times. Does he literally have a silver tongue that flicks out like a lizard's, or is this a metaphor for his ability to speak persuasively?<br /><br />"I pressed down on my lips to keep them ironclad, but as his long fingers beckoned to me, I began singing Devlin’s secrets."<br /><br />Is he compelling her to speak? How is she pressing down on her lips if her hands are chained? Who is Devlin?<br /><br />Overall, and this is purely a matter of opinion and taste, though, so take it for what it's worth, I believe you are overusing figurative language to the point where it detracts from the story. You have a great character with strong plot potential, and a lovely ear for rhythm and an eye for detail. Trust those. Enhance them. Also, be careful about anthropomorphizing body parts and nouns. <br /><br />Focus on clearing up places where you are vague or imprecise. For example:<br /><br />"Terrified, a swarm of panic attacked my fingertips as I fought the chains. Desperate to touch the amulet dangling from my neck. Unable to reach it, the panic rocketed up my spine. I tugged the chains, fingers begging for the calm the amulet brought, but being just out of reach."<br /><br />In just that section, is the swarm of panic terrified? Is it the panic that is desperate to touch the amulet? Of course not, but that's what those sentences literally tell us. And the final sentence again not only gives the fingers a life of their own, but makes it unclear whether it's the fingers or the amulet that's out of reach.<br /><br />Don't worry so much about varnishing your sentences. Just make it clear what's going on, how everyone feels about it, and take us to the action. When you do that, your writing is lovely.<br /><br />Can't wait to see what you do with this for next week!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-6634855744603635802011-04-03T15:13:20.055-04:002011-04-03T15:13:20.055-04:00your writing itself is great. There’s a grittiness...your writing itself is great. There’s a grittiness to it that I like. However, it was a bit confusing. I started out assuming it was High Fantasy because of the very different world you created. Then I got the “it was all a dream” line, which I did not want to accept. You can do better! That’s a trope that’s a bit overused, even if she’s dreaming things that are real. It’s fine later, but I wouldn’t recommend starting there. Starting with her ready to unsheath a sword on her roommate is plenty of a hook! After it all calms down perhaps she can recall bits and pieces of a dream that unsettles her? Just a thought. I’m definitely interested to see where this goes.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.com