tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post2052587967267931872..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Baccellia Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69552117411648494152012-09-27T17:53:28.211-04:002012-09-27T17:53:28.211-04:00I still love the atmosphere you create in this sto...I still love the atmosphere you create in this story! I wish I could read more! (We so need a "next ten pages" workshop! lol!)<br /><br />One sentence seemed awkward to me: <br />"No, this my own silent way of defiance."<br /><br />I like the fact that, in this version, we learn more about what she is going through and have more of a clue to what happened to Papi.Becky Fyfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01595020500346331076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-59338683433389350622012-09-23T15:22:12.055-04:002012-09-23T15:22:12.055-04:00Thanks for all your suggestions! They really help...Thanks for all your suggestions! They really helped me dig deeper into this.Kim Baccelliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05304806976633973536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-11459774043151288802012-09-21T09:40:02.576-04:002012-09-21T09:40:02.576-04:00Did you add that clue about finding out what happe...Did you add that clue about finding out what happened to her father in this version? That is a neat addition, though I agree with the other commenter that it made me look for a clue in the video but couldn't find it. <br /><br />I still feel like you set us up for her taking action with the image right away and then delay it by three paragraphs of thought, but no one else is commenting on this, so I'll let it pass, too! <br /><br />One more small thing: "More than once she thought I was loca just dwelling on a stupid loose end to our father’s disappearance. No, she thought fighting against el Padre was better than dwelling on someone she thought was dead." I like this additional aspect to the story, but I think it would be better shown than told, since you are already telling us a lot. It might have to come a little later. <br /><br />Everything else looks great to me! Margo Berendsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62241085519403351752012-09-21T02:37:25.352-04:002012-09-21T02:37:25.352-04:00Great work! This really clicked into focus. One th...Great work! This really clicked into focus. One thing I did miss, though, was the narrator's double-think. She missed her Papi and wondered why he went missing, but she still loved El Padre. Now it's clearer that she knows she lives in an oppressive society. I thought her innocence was a new twist in dystopian literature and I really liked it. (I hope I'm not driving you crazy!)<br /><br />I agree that it would be cool if she was searching the holograms for a clue about her father's disappearance, but I also wondered how it was that she could so easily access something that was forbidden. And the double use of "monitor" confused me--the computer screens were monitors and the guards were monitors. I'd suggest mixing it up a wee bit. <br /><br />Have you read THE MAZE RUNNER? I think you might enjoy it. This reminded me of that a little except that in that story, the kids are forced to leave in an exotic jungle--the opposite of your MC.<br /><br />If you think you might want to revisit the idea of her being more rah-rah-rah El Padre, she could still be so consumed with yearning to find out the truth about her father that that is the chink in the armor of her double-think that eventually cracks wide open. Just a thought!<br /><br />Nicely done!<br /><br />NancyNancy Holderhttp://www.nancyholder.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-87392260808318827462012-09-20T22:22:46.257-04:002012-09-20T22:22:46.257-04:00Hi Kim,
Great revision. You've clarified so m...Hi Kim,<br /><br />Great revision. You've clarified so many things and as someone already pointed out , the writing is atmospheric and tense. I understand her motivation much better, and get a better sense of the overall story.<br /><br />Going forward, I'd love to have you bring us into the story a little deeper by really engaging her voice and bring us closer to her thoughts. As it is, she's tellign us a lot of things. If you break those up with real-time reactions, it will be even more engaging. For example:<br /><br />"I turned back to my monitor, annoyed but also not surprised. My twin relished subtle attacks against our compound. Right now I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction that maybe I’d been actually listening to her conspiracy stories."<br /><br />The first clause in the first sentence is great, but that second clause, could you put a direct thought there instead? <br /><br />The next sentence is uncessesary, because you've already shown it. All you need is a statement to the effect that "What I was doing had nothing to do with my twin's conspiracy theories" or something along those lines.<br /><br />You're almost there. Go through and look for opportunities to engage the reader by removing the narrative filter. Let us experience the action with her.<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing the final revision. This is great!<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-34963600413308456722012-09-20T15:47:22.149-04:002012-09-20T15:47:22.149-04:00Hi KIm,
This version conveys more tension in the ...Hi KIm,<br /> This version conveys more tension in the story that the previous ones. Makes me curious to find out if the hologram she is viewing has any connection to her missing father. <br /><br />Is her sister applauding the fact that she is rebelling? This would seem so based on earlier material. This makes her out to be cold-hearted, and the complete opposite of your MC, her twin.<br /><br /> "More than once she thought I was loca just dwelling on a stupid loose end to our father’s disappearance. No, she thought fighting against el Padre was better than dwelling on someone she thought was dead. Why concentrate on a dead compadre, even if that someone happened to be your father, when others were still suffering?<br /><br />Anyway, it’s not as if my sister would take me seriously. She teased me that I didn’t have the cajones to do anything against the leaders as I was the ‘good’ girl.<br /><br />I ignored her. I could almost sense my twin daring me to go through with my defiance, thinking I’d chicken out. If anything that only forced my hand." <br /><br />The last two sentences in this paragraph don't flow with the others.<br /><br />"I shuddered. After all these years, the stain of Papi’s disappearance after being vocal against el Padre’s command still followed me. Usually a monitor or two blinked in my direction. But now they were pointed in the other way."<br /><br />Maybe put those just a bit later when she is trying to get the nerve to start the hologram.<br /><br />Definitely curious as to what is going to happen.<br /><br />Good job.ccarpinellohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15082365571251151043noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-74763547697943996232012-09-20T02:00:00.630-04:002012-09-20T02:00:00.630-04:00Hi Kim!
This is such a strong revision. You have ...Hi Kim!<br /><br />This is such a strong revision. You have a great voice and give wonderful details. I just have one question. What clue is she looking for in the hologram? “…if anything to find the clue to why the leaders had singled out my father.” If you can mention this was the last image her father had seen before he was taken away, maybe she can get some clue from the bird, or some meaning in the flower. I kept on looking for the clue in the hologram and if I missed it, let me know.<br /><br />I love your writing. There is so much sensory detail, I feel like I am right next to the character, smelling, touching and hearing. Great job!<br /><br />Cecilia (Cici) Ramirez https://www.blogger.com/profile/00890243036035212056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-12867327915371848402012-09-19T08:14:09.223-04:002012-09-19T08:14:09.223-04:00I love this version! It's very strong writing,...I love this version! It's very strong writing, full of mood and atmosphere. <br /><br />One niggling thing: "gemela" - it's used before you mention "twin" and because of this, it's a little distracting for someone who doesn't know enough Spanish to know what the word means. Maybe mention "twin" when referring to her sister the first time, and "gemela" in the next reference?Becky Fyfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01595020500346331076noreply@blogger.com