tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post2002869553369445023..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages March Workshop - CaseyMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-66993726152016169212012-03-12T13:23:01.144-04:002012-03-12T13:23:01.144-04:00Gripping concept. No doubt about that. Your langua...Gripping concept. No doubt about that. Your language choices are good. Nice flow. A couple places where I lost my total picture or had questions, but not many. Curious, though. Do the girls of people who don't pay taxes, commit crimes, etc. also get auctioned off? <br /><br />The one thing that stood out to me was when she choose the boy who was hostile. I didn't seem natural. The girl was too indifferent about it. I felt like she should have felt particularly mischievous, or particularly antagonistic toward her mom to get her to do it. Not enough emotion at that point to make her break free of her mother's obvious tight grip on her life. Did like the subtle manipulation of the girl pointing out what other people would think, though.Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-80507386540055168062012-03-11T21:18:37.114-04:002012-03-11T21:18:37.114-04:00Sorry for the late response here, but WOW! Love th...Sorry for the late response here, but WOW! Love the concept, and I love the tone. I agree with Martina, especially since it seems her mother is about to choose for her. Why would her mother allow this? I know you've already worked on revisions, so again I apologize for the late response, but I can't wait to see what the revised pages look like!Amyhttp://amylovesya.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-39321931467707357672012-03-10T19:26:19.153-05:002012-03-10T19:26:19.153-05:00Thank you all so much! I definitely understand the...Thank you all so much! I definitely understand the main critique. I had a feeling that Sigourney's mom gave in way too easily, and I've made some serious changes. I'm excited to see what everyone thinks.Kheryn Callenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00430191402313735917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-29356681288375464892012-03-08T19:20:34.518-05:002012-03-08T19:20:34.518-05:00You certainly started us off with something really...You certainly started us off with something really interesting. I wanted to know why these boys were on display, then why this girl should have one, then why she didn't want one, etc. And you answered all of those questions as I read, which was fantastic. Then in the end, she did choose a boy, and her decision made sense as a reader and felt true to her character despite that she'd already said she didn't want one. Now I want to know who this boy is and how they're going to interact. This was a FANTASTIC bunch of first pages.<br /><br />Looking closer, though, there's a few things you could do to improve the writing here, which is already great and full of voice. You use "that" in many cases where you don't need it (i.e., the second sentence) or could be easily rid of anyway (i.e., 5th sentence. "light that fills their cells" can be "light filling their cells"). There are also times when you use "that" when you should use "who," like when the mother first speaks. "Who" is used with people and "that" is for animals/inanimate objects. In that instance, it could've been on purpose, but it's hard to tell since you use "that" instead of "who" even when talking about the rich (i.e., first sentence of paragraph seven). These are tiny little fixes, and you could CTRL+F "that" to find them all. Easy to do :)<br /><br />There's also a couple times when it seems like we've been pulled from your MC's head. Like the paragraph starting, "There's a hollow thud..." She looks toward the noise, which means we should learn right away that the boy inside the glass is having a tantrum. But instead, we get a description of things she shouldn't be able to see if she IS looking at the boy. Does that make any sense? I felt like this also happened in the paragraph that stood out to Sarah, "My mother walks several paces behind me." Is your MC looking over her shoulder in order to describe her mom for us? <br /><br />Other than those rather nit-picky things, I'd love to keep reading this. Hopefully someday I'll have the chance :) I can't wait to see your revision!Jessica Silvahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15405267450788581689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-84758865736688946832012-03-08T05:20:40.410-05:002012-03-08T05:20:40.410-05:00What a wonderful story concept! As PBuff pointed o...What a wonderful story concept! As PBuff pointed out, sex slave came to mind when I read chapter. If they are different kind of slaves, I think it's an intriguing YA story.<br /><br />The back of one boy’s case opens and he’s pulled out, having been bought and sold.(The 'bought' and 'sold' sounded a bit arkward to me.)<br /> (Warm light dances from the chandeliers above and traces golden patterns that curl in the mahogany walls. The sound of a piano’s song spills into the passageway.) I think this description might fit better if it is moved up in thr paragraph when describing the room. It kind of yanked me off from the boy being pulled out of the glance then suddenly room description.<br /><br />I enjoyed the descriptions, very visual. And your character'S strong voice.<br /><br />Well done. Happy Writing.Cecilia Roberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04416564789369523352noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20448331337939471812012-03-07T21:35:42.228-05:002012-03-07T21:35:42.228-05:00Hi Kheryn,
Wow. Great concept, and overall a grea...Hi Kheryn,<br /><br />Wow. Great concept, and overall a great job. I think the only thing that I will add to what others have already said is that I would love to see a better sense of why her mother would agree to this. Presumably, in a society this stringent, she is ultimately going to be responsible for this boy's behavior, and that endangers the whole family, right? There could be actual dangerous consequences as well as social consequences, so an understanding of those and a bigger conflict between mother and daughter, as well as a stronger reason that forces the mother to capitulate, would really up the tension. I think that you have enough room for it if you tighten up a bit overall. BUT. That said, awesome first sentence. Awesome concept. Lovely writing. Great setup. Bravo!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-36465593463637673632012-03-07T00:39:57.259-05:002012-03-07T00:39:57.259-05:00I'm intrigued by the concept here - the revers...I'm intrigued by the concept here - the reversal of roles between the sexes. I'd definitely read on.<br /><br />A few things stood out: What are the boys wearing? It would give me a better picture of their social placement and society's standards. Also, although it isn't said, it's implied. Sex slave? Sorry - I know this is YA, but this sprang to mind. So, are the boys bought on how beautiful they are, how strong, etc? I think this needs to be addressed in some manner when the boys are introduced.<br /><br />Are these people from Earth or is it a different race? Obviously they are humans but I'm wondering if they are settlers originally from Earth. I know that doesn't need to be addressed in the first pages, but I'd want to know if they were from Earth, what happened for them to forget basic human rights.<br /><br />Hands don't squish against glass, I was thrown out of the story by that description. And if the glass is sound proof, then it has to go both ways, meaning, he can't hear her, she can't hear him. Unless there's a sound system. :-)<br /><br />Good job and keep writing.PattiBuffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07498161550187573134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-15896027852989355712012-03-06T18:56:57.895-05:002012-03-06T18:56:57.895-05:00I was hooked from the get-go. The images you creat...I was hooked from the get-go. The images you create are vivid and I loved the contrast of laughter, wine glasses, and perfume against boys encased in a prison. The protagonist's voice shines through, and I love that she is rebel at heart. The only suggestion I'd make is to maybe have her mother resist more before agreeing to a feisty slave. <br /><br />Wish I could keep reading! Really great job!Christina Mercerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09938707461943582486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-12537257699270142652012-03-06T11:16:50.883-05:002012-03-06T11:16:50.883-05:00Oh man, this is very interesting and it's not ...Oh man, this is very interesting and it's not my usual genre. I might suggest trimming down some of the paragraphs of description, to get us closer to the action, but I really like it overall.Chelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-79052829687336506092012-03-06T09:26:53.645-05:002012-03-06T09:26:53.645-05:00I really like this. Even though I felt thrown int...I really like this. Even though I felt thrown into the scene without much bearing, I figured it out quickly. How much description you use is down to taste, I think. <br /><br />I was pretty well hooked throughout. The concept is very strong and while the genre isn't entirely revealed yet(historical? dystopian? steampunk? sci-fi?) I'd like to know where this story goes. I was sorry it stopped!!<br /><br />One paragraph stood out as needing some tightening:<br />"My mother walks several paces behind me. Her gloved hands clasp together over her waist, and her heels snap against the floor. She’s a tall woman – taller than most men, and certainly taller than me, even though I’m pretty tall as well. She holds her height with pride. It’s intimidating. I, on the other hand, haven’t grown into my height even after sixteen years. My mother complains that I hunch."<br /><br />Just one or two lines about her height is enough, otherwise it starts to confuse and it's not that important to go on about.<br /><br />I like the idea that women are tall, regal (in charge?) and the idea of boys being sold into slavehood, but I wonder about the girls who are children of criminals...automatically executed? And are men who aren't slaves important in society? What does anyone need a slave for other than status? If women have power, why on earth would they choose to wear dresses? :) Just some things I'm wondering at this stage, not necessarily needing to be addressed in the first pages.<br /><br />This was the strongest image for me:<br />"He slams his hands against the glass wall again, and my eyes leave my reflection in the glass. His heavy eyebrows cut over his eyes, and the muscles in his jaw jumps. The skin around his eyes narrows. The resentment on his face almost makes me take a step back, away from his glass case." <br /><br />I like that your main character is going to challenge the status quo. Great job!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-62380203205885068362012-03-06T08:01:40.286-05:002012-03-06T08:01:40.286-05:00Very interesting concept. I like how you began and...Very interesting concept. I like how you began and made us wait a little bit to find out why the boys are behind glass. I also like your description of marbled tiles, gloved hands, ruffled dresses. In fact, you can even add a little more.<br /><br />About the paragraphs involving description (paragraph 2 for example), you seem to jump around with thoughts. First talking about dresses, then about the boys, then about the scenery. My opinion would be to break it up and not mix them.<br />Thanks!Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.com