tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1999115541918925146..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages December Workshop - HaynesMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-60823767061229355412011-12-06T20:00:28.838-05:002011-12-06T20:00:28.838-05:00I love your first sentence, but I kept waiting for...I love your first sentence, but I kept waiting for something bad to have happened. Though "sometimes a kid can feel just horrible," the fact that it was the most horrible she had ever felt made me feel like there was no pay back for the first sentence... until she started crying and I understood that maybe there wasn't something she was mentioning-- though she had said that nothing had changed in the neighborhood... Perhaps you can connect the emotions sooner so that it isn't confusing at first? Or connect Wheeze being alone to the reason why she starts crying (or that's why I'm assuming that happens)?<br /><br />Also, though the voice is strong, I'm not sure I got the sense that she was a girl -- well, not until I saw her name. But even after I found out, her perspective didn't seem so girlish. I don't know if it needs to be as strong in MG as it does in YA or if it was just me, but maybe you can add something in that clarifies that a bit?<br /><br />Otherwise great job! I loved the interactions between Amelia and Mrs. Baumgartner and Amelia and her father. Can't wait to see your revision!Christina Reads YAhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14937783114868207494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-63175322788257846582011-12-06T13:51:36.241-05:002011-12-06T13:51:36.241-05:00Thanks everyone for your thoughtful feedback! I&#...Thanks everyone for your thoughtful feedback! I'm looking forward to keeping it in mind as I go through my first revision. <br />One point of clarification is Amelia's age - she's 9 - well, according to her 9 1/3, but nine just the same:)<br />Thanks again!<br />MarileeMarilee Hayneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16757885702409755120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-17710561728385472892011-12-06T07:00:45.622-05:002011-12-06T07:00:45.622-05:00Hi, Marilee!
I enjoyed the kid's dialogue. Sh...Hi, Marilee!<br /><br />I enjoyed the kid's dialogue. She sounded like a kid to me. <br /><br />The opening was a little blah. I just didn't get drawn in. Also, I don't see my students relating to a mc who cries from the get-go. I get where you're at: she's miserable. Yes, I understand. But to start out being in the dumps is a downer most kids just don't want. Can they relate? Of course, all kids feel like this. But they open the book wanting to get away from troubles, too, and be someone else. Is there another place in the story where you could start? Maybe as her friend leaves or when the first big event happens in the story? Also, the watching out the window and the wet-smell outside made the setting really melancholy, which might've amplified the slow start.<br /><br />The part I didn't get about the dad was the hand-holding. I can see this from a mom, but for a dad, it seemed a little odd for me. Nothing wrong with it--just I haven't seen many dads react this way, even to tears. Plus, I don't know many kids this age--girls or boys--who would allow their parent to hold their hand! <br /><br />I loved Wheeze and the Boggle-thing. So sad and touching! I think if you shorten this scene a bit, and start with something juicier, you'll nail it! Hope I said something useful.<br /><br />Best wishes!<br /><br />SandiSandrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02809497364875067330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-46027620991111653102011-12-05T23:37:32.651-05:002011-12-05T23:37:32.651-05:00Yeah, Clementine and Ramona rolled into one great ...Yeah, Clementine and Ramona rolled into one great voice. You've nailed it. Bravo! Because you've done such a nice job, I'll have to nit-pick! I'll agree the first line isn't working for me. I feel like the word "person" is too adult. May I Suggest: "I felt more horrible than any other kid ever felt." I don't think you need "had." Also,I'm going to disagree with Beth's critique of Awkward, because that's the voice and how kids talk. I love Junie B. Jones, Clementine and Ramona books and that's, I believe what sets them apart. I will agree with a bit of the meandering part. I love the father and their relationship and the marshmellows, and the "problem." Nice work. Good luck revising this! ShelleyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-20981907541532189312011-12-05T17:28:54.215-05:002011-12-05T17:28:54.215-05:00Can I just say that I love the name "Wheeze&q...Can I just say that I love the name "Wheeze" for a character? <br /><br />Anyway, so far I like this in that your main character comes across as very kid-like and real to me, like someone I would have known or could have been as a kid. (Having had a best friend move away right before junior high, I can understand her concerns, too.)<br /><br />Suggestions: <br />• Some wording is awkward, and I had to read it more than once to understand what you meant. (I.e. "I could see just the tip top of a pile of not combed that day black hair.")<br />• Tears didn't seem to quite fit this character to me.<br />• I thought the first line sounded weak compared to the rest of the piece and seemed like a missed opportunity to hook the reader. <br /><br />Can't wait to see your first revision. : )Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-32564852472746762162011-12-05T17:22:08.555-05:002011-12-05T17:22:08.555-05:00Marilee,
I kinda sorta was getting into the voice....Marilee,<br />I kinda sorta was getting into the voice... I think it's pretty good. I do like that we get a good sense of the character. I think that the conflict is a common one. The old "I don't have any friends" dilemma. I certainly went through that period in school... probably why I'm such a loner now... lol... but I digress.<br /><br />This opening does meander a bit for me... and I'm not sure that the conflict/ dilemma is pulling me or driving me as much as I want it to<br /><br />I suspect this will be on the *quiet* side, as stories go. Just make sure that there's some sort of tension in every scene... that's moving the story forward.<br /><br />Hope this helps.<br /><br />-ChrisAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07995267172282765794noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-31562107480118829852011-12-05T14:24:06.114-05:002011-12-05T14:24:06.114-05:00I think I'm in love with your character. Your ...I think I'm in love with your character. Your voice is amazing. <33. I agree you go on about Wheeze a bit long, but I suspect he's going to be the "friend" we'll see. But either way, I think you're missing just a simple internal line that connects her feeling bad for him to her own situation before she starts crying. Otherwise it's totally unexpected and might read as confusing. I forgive you because of the VOICE. :D How old is Amelia? This reads as a younger MG to me. Did I mention you had me at her being upside down? <br />Other than that, the biggest thing I caught was a repeat of the word "exactly" in this line: And because he was exactly right and marshmallows were exactly what I needed, I shuffled along behind him into the kitchen and slumped into the chair that he pulled out for me.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-3058467671643807032011-12-05T12:39:25.165-05:002011-12-05T12:39:25.165-05:00Hi Marilee,
SO much to love in this piece. The ch...Hi Marilee,<br /><br />SO much to love in this piece. The character is really alive and the family is warm and unique. It's great the way you set out that there is a problem, and then draw us in to find out what the problem is. My only concern is that it reads a little long and meandering before we get to the conflict the way you have it now, and while everything on its own is delightful, there is too much page time elapsed so that we lose track of the problem in the introspection and the interaction with the neighbor. I would suggest shortening this by maybe a quarter or twenty percent, and then integrating the problem more organically--a trickle--into her thoughts and feelings.<br /><br />You've included some wonderful details and made this very vivid. Hopefully, shortening will bring us more of the problem, and that will let us see where you are going with this more clearly. I'm really looking forward to that! GREAT job.<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com