tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1800410594881230134..comments2024-02-21T05:25:03.233-05:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages December Workshop - Christina, Rev 3Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-69906786706207707622011-12-30T10:26:30.602-05:002011-12-30T10:26:30.602-05:00Wow! This is a great revision. The story is so m...Wow! This is a great revision. The story is so much clearer now. Really nice job. I was going to argue against doing away with the first line, byut Lisa's suggestion above seemed spot on. I think teens escape in many ways, and even for short periods of time, so I really like the first line and using the second works well. I felt like I had enough information to keep me reading, and the phone call made much more sense. You've done a nice job! It's been working with you this month. Best of luck with your writing.<br />ShelleyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-49772882879796780502011-12-28T02:36:51.000-05:002011-12-28T02:36:51.000-05:00Bravo!! You've worked hard on the phone call a...Bravo!! You've worked hard on the phone call and it shows. Much much better. Good job explaining what's going through her mind. I do think you can clarify a bit what her mother claims to have happened. Make it clear so that we understand the dichotomy between what the caller says and what her mother's told her. Also that first line. Yes, it catches attention, but it's the wrong kind of attention because it's misleading. Could you say something like, When night fell, Lily prepared to escape. If only it were for more than one night. Or something like that? Then we'd be intrigued, but not misunderstand. Great strides in your revisions. :DLisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-91446825211749420252011-12-27T15:03:03.290-05:002011-12-27T15:03:03.290-05:00Christina -
I know how hard you've been worki...Christina - <br />I know how hard you've been working on the phone call and I think it's working much better. Some of the exchange is still a little awkward but it's gotten so much better in this revision!<br />One thing that struck me was the disconnect between her talking about escaping in the first paragraph and then going to say goodbye to her mother as she left for a date - talking about 'escaping' gave me a much different feel - then what actually happened seemed like a letdown of sorts. <br />Lily's introspections added a lot to both the interaction with her mother and the phone call. <br />Great work! I've enjoyed working with you this month:)<br />MarileeMarilee Hayneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16757885702409755120noreply@blogger.com